1. Relational Messages

2. Take Away Points
Vocab: relationship, punctuation, confirming/disconfirm relational messages
How do relational messages function?
What are the assumptions of the Palo Alto group about relationships? About dysfunctional relationships?
URPs
What are the aspects of an URP?
What are the things you need to identify to fix them?
How can you stop an URP?
How do “episode punctuation” and blame go together?
What is Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio?

3. What is a relationship?
Mental models that label and classify relationships and specify how members should treat one another
Accumulation of relational messages

4. What are examples of typical “relational messages” in the following relationships?
Romantic relationships
Friendships
Best friends
Supervisor/employee
(Or student/teacher)
Romantic – Honey, call someone girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time, “why didn’t you call me when you went out?” -> stating that activity is one that is expected to be shared
Friends – disclosing something important, “I haven’t told anyone else this”, “well obviously I want you to come with me”
Jake Jensen dropping the f-bomb in front of me when I first met him – that tells me about how he views our relationship, insisting on being called “Dr.”

5. Relational messages affect our self worth, and thus our self concept.
Confirming message

6. Relational messages affect our self worth, and thus our self concept.
Disconfirming message

7. Discussion
What do people want out of a relationship? How can your communication in the relationship give/deny them that?

8. Relational Message Patterns
Dysfunctional Relationships

9. Palo Alto Group
Group of scholars interested in relationships, specifically dysfunctional ones
Where were they at?

10. Relationships are more than the sum of 2 personalities.+
Match makers
Person 1
Person 2
Relationship

11. The PAG says dysfunctional relationships have 3 principles.
They are created by both people working together
To understand relational dysfunction, you need to identity repeated sequences.
It’s not productive to blame individuals for a way a relationship progresses.
They are created by both people working together (not one person).

12. Nonlinear Dynamic Systems
A relationship is a NDS
Dynamic with 2 people
Input, Throughput, Output

13. Punctuation in a relationship can be used to shift blame to an action rather than an interaction.
Jack says they can’t eat it
Jill spills salt in dinner
Jill is making an anniversary dinner
Jill gets upset

14. Unwanted Repetitive Patterns (URPs)
Clear sequence for interaction
Recurrent pattern: always happens
Regardless of topic/situation, going to revisit sequence
Sequence unwanted (both people don’t want it to happen)
Both feel “we did it again”
*Think of an example of someone who you frequently go through this pattern with

15. Changing URPs We seek to understand the problem in order to change
Fractal: a self-replicating pattern
Repeated behavior that grows larger every time
Strange attractor: the logic or reasoning that determines how we make decisions
Sensitivity to initial condition; first time helps to embed the problem
If can identify fractal and strange attractor, can change problem, but very hard

16. Changing URPs Change your behaviors Use third parties
Reaffirm your relational goals
Spend more/less time with the person
Try changing an external situation
Watch example! (Arrow, S1, E3, at 29 min)
Example: Arrow, S1, E3 at 29 minutes

17. From example… What did it seem like the URP was?
How did the mother attempt to break it?
Do you think she ultimately succeeded in breaking the URP?

18. What behaviors tell us our relationship is in danger of falling apart?
Arguments about how to punctuate interactions
Disconfirming messages
URPs
Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio!

19. Scenario
Mom and teenage son – Mom complaining about son’s behavior, son always withdrawing. More Mom nags, more son withdraws, and vice versa.
They have come to you as a “communication expert” to help.
What do you need to identify (and get them to identify) to help them?
Brainstorm how they might try to stop the URP (at least 2 ways)
Fractal
Strange Attractor

20. Take Away Points
Vocab: relationships, punctuation, confirming/disconfirm relational messages
How do relational messages function?
What are the assumptions of the Palo Alto group about relationships? About dysfunctional relationships?
URPs
What are the aspects of an URP?
What are the things you need to identify to fix them?
How can you stop an URP?
How do “episode punctuation” and blame go together?
What is Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio?