1. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013

2. Things That Will Probably Happen
Have your heart broken
Be betrayed
Not invited to something you really want to go to
Be rejected
Be so angry that you want to explode
All of this must come back to power. What power do you have? What power plays can effect you?
This is about people having power over you. You can’t always control the outcome and it’s about how miserable people can be.
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4. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
Every conflict my students get into is not bullying. I'd like a solid definition of bullying so we're not "crying bully" when we should be helping kids work through average kid drama.
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5. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
Drama Vs. Bullying:
Bullying: when one person repeatedly abuses or threatens to abuse their power against another person
Drama: Exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. A conflict where both people are involved and can be serious or hurtful.
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Happiness is...
Meaning Beyond Oneself
Hope of Success
Social Connection
Satisfying Work
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I’ve never told my friends this, but I get so mad at their little comments. It’s fine when it’s just us hanging out, but a couple of them make a point of saying them around other people. They constantly mess with me about how short I am, how hairy I am, I’m gay—I’m not that good with the ladies. It’s the usual stuff, and it’s stupid, but I get really tired of it. Whenever I bring it up, they just laugh at me and get worse. Sometimes I want to explode, but they’re my friends. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I just have to take it. Like part of having friends is that they just get to do this to you.
- Sam, 13
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The Inner Circle
Low social skills, lack of compromise, video games, apologies,
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013

12. A Mastermind/Queen Bee
Directs group’s movement
Gives ultimate approval to friends
Not sure how intelligent they are until threatened
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013

13. An Associate/Side-Kick
Gathers information
Social point person
Best ability to stand up to Mastermind/QB
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A Bouncer
Can’t read peoples’ motivations
Eager to prove loyalty
Takes the fall
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A Banker
Read peoples’ motivations easily
Doesn’t need to be obvious leader but wants power
Really good at being under the radar
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The Fly/Wannabe
Builds friendships by bragging or buying
Hovers outside the group
Other children have no guilt excluding them
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The Entertainer
Good at making people feel comfortable
Tries to maintain the group
Has a hard time turning himself “off”
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18. A Punching Bag/Pleaser
Is the easy target
Inner circle believes they can treat him badly
Justifies how others treat him
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A Conscience...
Worries about rules and consequences
Like having a chaperone
Used by the group as a “screen”
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SEAL
STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later?
EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want.
AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge.
LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out.
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21. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
Fake Apologizer: Didn’t realize you were so sensitive!
You: (Explain) The way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me.
Fake Apologizer: No dude, I totally mean it (tone is sarcastic).
You: (Affirm) Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013

22. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
Fake Apologizer: I’m sorry Ms. Wiseman. I’ll never do it again.
You: (Explain) I could be wrong but the way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. But if I’m wrong, tell me.
Fake Apologizer: I totally mean it.
You: (Affirm) Look, I know you don’t know me well but if I see something that’s a problem, I’ll address it. I know you can say the right thing but if your words aren’t true I think we can both agree that’s pretty meaningless. I want your words to mean something. Otherwise, don’t say it.
Get examples first from them
Success is not immediate. It’s building
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23. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
In the moment
Assess on the approach
Don’t ask the group who’s responsible
Get group on task with promise to follow up individually
Assess as they leave
REDO playground watch
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24. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
“This is difficult to speak about with you but it’s important to me. You’re getting into trouble for violating the dress code and we have to address that. But way more important to me than the dress code is you.
You’re a smart young woman with a lot to contribute. Like all young women, you’re growing up in a culture that can try to dismiss you by convincing you that the most important thing about you is your physical appearance.  
I want you to be proud and comfortable with how you look. But I also want you to be proud about who you are beyond that.
Can you think about what is most important to you in how you want to present yourself?  And how does that reflect what you’re proud of about yourself on the inside?”
Get examples first from them
Success is not immediate. It’s building
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25. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
“If someone talks to you about being out of dress code, do what they say. If you feel that they have been rude to you, I still want you to do what they say but then tell me and/or tell the administrator you trust the most.
If you’re genuinely confused about why or what you’re wearing is important to you and it’s not communicating something rude or degrading about someone else, you have the right to respectfully ask why you’re in violation.
If you feel strongly about this, you can research your rights about freedom of expression in schools and bring that to the administration. You may not get what you want but it’s important to know your rights and I will support that.”
Get examples first from them
Success is not immediate. It’s building
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Reaching Out
You: Thanks for meeting with me. I just wanted to check in with you about my class.
Student: It’s fine.
You: OK. But I don’t want it to be fine. It’s really important to me that you don’t think the class is a waste of your time.
Student: It’s OK. Am I in trouble?
You: No, you’re not in trouble. Let’s forget about the class for a moment and take a step back. What do you do to relax or have fun? What movies or books do you like? Do you play video games?
Get examples first from them
Success is not immediate. It’s building
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Reaching Out
Student: Why do you want to know?
You: Because in order to be the best teacher for you, it’s helpful to know what you like doing and why.
Student: OK… I play League of Legends
You: I’ve heard of that game. Can you tell me about it?
Get examples first from them
Success is not immediate. It’s building
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Want to Reach Me? /
Web: rosalindwiseman.com
Facebook: Rosalind Wiseman
Twitter: rosalindwiseman / kuhncr
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Who’s Doing Great Work?
Pew Internet and American Life Project
School Climate 2.0 Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja, Corwin Press 2012
Network Centrality, Gender Segregation, and Aggression, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, American Sociology Review February 2011
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34. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
Lawrence Steinberg, Age of Opportunity: Eamon Dolan/Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2014
danah boyd, It’s Complicated, 2014
Reality is Broken: Why Games Makes Us Better and How They Can Change the World: Jane McGonigal, Penguin 2011
Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do? Michael Sandel, Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2009
“Perfect” by AHMIR. Go to vimeo.com and download for free
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013