1. Being Assertive to Engage Cooperation
Dr. Karen V. Lee

3. Aggressive: demands ideas, thoughts At times, ignores others feelings
Proactive vs. reactive
Makes choices for others
Intent on having own needs met
Not open for negotiation/dialogue
Effective for certain people, contexts
Effective and ineffective leadership skill

4. Non-Assertive: Withholds thoughts, feelings Undermines self-esteem
Self-denying
Reactive not proactive
Turns issue inward
i.e., headaches, physical illness
Appropriate for certain contexts
Effective and ineffective leadership skill

5. Assertive:
Expresses thoughts, feeling
Direct, honest, open, respectful
Open for negotiation/dialogue
Often in face of opposition
Effective leadership skill

6. Being Assertive:
Does not require being highly verbal
Direct eye contact
Simple, direct phrases
Teaches others/yourself how you wish to be treated
Necessary Teacher skill

7. Basic Assertive Rights:
To express feelings;opinions – use “I”
To be listened to
To say no without feeling guilty
To ask for what you want
To be responsible for your choices
To decide what you do with your thoughts, property, body, time

8. Basic Assertive Rights: (cont’d)
To clarify
To be respected
To be independent
To maintain dignity
To consider your needs
To show confidence in yourself
To choose NOT to assert yourself

9. Setting Boundaries:
Definition:
A boundary divides the line to indicate a limit or place restrictions.
(Collins Pocket Dictionary, 1996)
i.e, Opening/closing a gate

10. What are boundaries?
Physical (personal space)
Mental (personal thoughts)
Emotional
Money
Social
Sexual
Time

11. Setting Boundaries:
Sets limits
Defines your need
Enhances well-being
Helps you handle anger
Effective classroom management skill
Required leadership skill
Encourages students to express needs, wants to others

12. Setting Boundaries:
Encourages safe & healthy r’ships
student-student
student-teacher
teacher-teacher
teacher-parent
teacher-administrator, etc

13. How to create boundaries?
Verbal – specific words
Non-verbal – body language
Truth – express need
Others – parents, counsellors, etc
Consequences – “If you do this, then. . .” (your choice)

14. Boundary Problems:
Can’t say Can’t Hear
NO controlled by violation
others
YES Irresponsible against letting
good in

15. Boundary Myths:
I’m being selfish
I seem uncaring
I will hurt others
Permanent

16. Developing Boundaries:
Use Assertive skills
Say “no” with a reason – otherwise taken personally
Practice setting boundaries with #1 boundary buster (who is it?)
Career –
a. Takes on too much responsibility
b. Works too much overtime
c. Stress/conflicts

17. 6 Assertive skills

18. 1. Describe what you see or problem

19. 1. Describe (cont’d)

20. 2. Give Information

21. 2. Give Information (cont’d)

22. 3. Say it with a word

23. 3. Say it with a word

24. 4. Talk about feelings

25. 4. Talk about feelings

26. 5. Write a
note

27. 5. Write a
note

28. 5. Write a
note

29. Power Phrases: “I”
Acknowledging – validates other
I think it’s an interesting idea BUT
I like your strategy BUT . . .
I think you’ve made some valid points BUT . . .
I wish I could help you BUT

30. I’m not comfortable with . . .
BUT
I’m not comfortable with . . .
I’m worried about . . .
I can’t because (time, money, location,etc)
I’m not okay with that because . . .
I’m not sure that is what I need/want . .
I need to think about it because. . .

31. b. Fantasy Power Phrase
I wish I could do it your way BUT
I wish I had your strength BUT . . .
I wish I could help you BUT . . .

32. Examples:
I think it’s a great idea for me to help you after school with moving textbooks BUT I have a conflict with my dentist appt.
I wish I could lend you $100 for the field trip BUT I don’t lend students money.
I agree that budget cuts are frustrating BUT I’m not comfortable photocopying textbooks.

33. Summary of 6 Assertive skills
1. Describe
2. Give information
3. Say it with a word
4. Talk about your feelings
5. Write a note
6. Power phrases – “I”
a. acknowledge
b. fantasy

34. Summary of 6 Assertive skills
1. Describe
2. Give information
3. Say it with a word
4. Talk about your feelings
5. Write a note
6. Power phrases – “I”
a. acknowledging
b. fantasy

35. References:
Cloud H. & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Yes, When to No, and Take Control of your life.
2. Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will talk.