1. February 2017 Conflict Resolution & Relationships
Becoming Home
February 2017 Conflict Resolution & Relationships
Peacemaking legacy of St. Francis.
Resources at tamingthewolf.com :
Conflict resolution manual: Taming the Wolf: Peace through Faith.
Webinar series “Peace in the Parish.”
Forty videos for Lent.
tamingthewolf.com

2. Mediation
Art of Restoring Harmony by Seeking Unity in the Presence of the Holy Spirit.
“HOW” matters. We must add PROCESS & STRUCTURE.
We seek the presence of the Holy Spirit “at the table.”

3. After the Fall
Free will generates non-aligned intentions that collide, producing conflict.
Conflict is not simply a problem. Intentional agents oppose one another. One free will opposes another. Opposing goals, intentions, views, desires, interests, clash.
Peacemaking is possible because the exercise of free will can be transformed.

4. Align with the Will of God
THE ultimate path to peace involves aligning random free will with the Will of God. Aligned intentions do not collide.
Conflict resolution is Applied Pastoral Theology.

5. Satisfy Other’s Interests
Compromise
Compete
Avoid
Collaborate
Accommodate
Satisfy Own Interests
Ideal = mutual benefit for self and other. What response is best in a particular instance? Chart inspired by Thomas & Killman. (See TKI inventory.)
Satisfy Other’s Interests

6. Satisfy Other’s Interests
Divine
Collaboration
Satisfy Own Interests
Satisfy Will of God
Party interests considered in relation to Will of God.
Negotiation goes beyond mundane to spiritual interests.
Priests help parties discern the Will of God.
Satisfy Other’s Interests

7. Satisfy Other’s Interests
Compromise
Compete
Avoid
Divine
Collaboration
Accommodate
Satisfy Own Interests
Revised grid seeks mutual satisfaction of interests aligning with the Will of God.
Alignment with the Will of God satisfies our deepest interests. Thus, we move parties toward their most fundamental and important interests.
Satisfy Other’s Interests

8. • Power • Rights • Interests Power: Authority enforces decision.
Rights: Litigated claims adjudicated and enforced.
Interests: Negotiate solution.
Scripture suggests protocol:
Matthew 18: Interests
Matthew 18: Rights
Matthew 18: Power
Also see Luke 12:57 re settlement.

9. Below the Line Positions Interests Key concept: “Go Below the Line.”
Move from positions or stances to interests or motivations.
Positions are rigid; interests are flexible.
Positions have one solution; interests have many solutions.
“Below the line” enhances creativity.

10. God
(Trinity)
Brother
Work axes simultaneously: 1) Reconcile brothers (neighbors); 2) Reconcile parties with God.
Reflects the great commandment. Axes are linked. Change one, the other changes. If brothers hit impasse, work on vertical axis.

11. If I have no contact whatsoever with God in my life, then I cannot see in the other anything more than the other, and I am incapable of seeing in him the image of God. —Deus Caritas Est, Pope Benedict XVI
Barriers on vertical axis manifest as impasse on horizontal.
In the cultural desert of secularism, turmoil in the world is due to failure to see the image of God in the other.

12. Christ the Mediator
Priest as Mediator Prevents, manages, resolves conflict by choreographing divine collaboration.
People consider priests as mediators – though not always explicitly.
When unstated expectation is disappointed, upset results.
Clergy often must assess conflict and bring parties to the table.

13. Assess Intentions Be, Do, Have
In conflict interests, needs, and desires are opposed. We assess to bring about clarity.
Be Do Have is a way of “naming it.” Identify opposing items. Assess the entire story, then bring clarity.

14. Barriers Disappointed Expectations Need to be Right
Destructive Emotions that Distort Perception
Faulty Perceptions
Walls
Desire for Revenge
Narcissism
False Attribution Error

15. The Face of a Franciscan
Facework
The Face of a Franciscan
PROTECT, SAVE, RESTORE FACE
Frame comments, requests, complaints. Express needs without triggering negative emotions.
ATTACK ON FACE = Threat to self-image, social image, identity we want others to accept. Meeting with other triggers fear of Face Loss. Mediator RESTORES FACE.
St. Francis saw the Divine, the Image of God, in all creatures. This is primary FaceWork.
Framing

16. False Self vs. Divine Self
False Self is driver of conflict. Need to defend a False Self. I just wasn’t myself. That was not really me. Who was I being?
False Self unaligned with Will of God. Faith formation. Contemplation. Retreats and spiritual direction.

17. Two False Selves Fight
Essence of faith-based reconciliation: Move past False Self to see the Divine in Other. Remove the dross, the false layers. Abandon all that is not the image of God. Seek unity in the image of God. Basic choreography of conflict resolution.

18. Active Listening
Mediator listens in I-Thou mode. Truly present for another.
Party may recognize their own flaws. May turn to contemplative prayer and ask,“What must I transform?”
Peacemakers make it easy to listen to self without becoming defensive or threatened.

19. Negotiate Exchange of Value
Build a Bridge
Negotiate Exchange of Value
We build a bridge. Parties exchange value. Negotiation = exchange of value, tangible and intangible.
Exchange of value shows respect. Duty of the Church – facilitate “a well-ordered love of neighbor.”

20. Apology Must Satisfy Needs
Apology must satisfy the needs of the harmed party. If harmed party is satisfied, apology will be accepted.
If needs not satisfied, apology will be rejected. If an apology is rejected, assess What needs are not being met?

21. To Forgive is an Act of Will
Forgiveness
To Forgive is an Act of Will
Forgiveness is a transcendent gift from God. Not earned. Not about balancing the scales. May have to accept scales cannot be balanced.
Forgiveness is not logical. Makes no sense. It is not a product of rational thought. Does not arise from reason, but rather from God’s grace.
Forgiveness is a decision. We decide to forgive. We do not wait for a warm fuzzy feeling, we exercise free will.
Secular world does not know Christ’s forgiveness, mercy may be missing.

22. Faulty Decisions Overconfidence Flawed Baseline Faulty Data
First Offer
Seeking Solution to Fit All Criteria
Recent Vivid Events
Mental shortcuts save time but may cause faulty decision making and unsatisfactory outcomes.
Assess: What weaknesses hamper your decision making? What errors do you repeat?

23. ! Facing Risk Risk Averse Loss Averse We fear risk, we abhor loss.
We hold on to certain gain - we do not risk losing gain we achieved.
We abhor an existing loss – and we will seek to remedy that loss.
How we frame the situation - as a loss or gain - affects our negotiation decision.

24. Satisfaction Substantive Procedural Psychological
Work all legs of the triangle. Problems with any one leg may create impasse.
Satisfaction is measure of mediation success. We honor self-determinism of the party.
Procedural
Psychological

25. Impasse Opposition to Will of God Problem of Evil
Impasse = intentions, acts, desires, and positions that oppose the Will of God.
Discern – actual evil intentions or attribution of evil where none exists? (False Attribution Error)

26. Destructive Third Party
The Hidden Influence
Destructive Third Party
Missing, invisible, or hidden influences difficult to identify. If assessment makes no sense look for hidden influences.
Destructive third party disparages Party I AND Party II, causes suspicion, alarm, distrust or fear. Gossip, character assassination, detraction. Serpent came between Man and God. Satan as deceiver, accuser, betrayer, manipulator.

27. Managing Deception
Mediators identify and manage deception. Two categories: 1) benign, face-saving and, 2) evil intentions.
With benign deception, we redraft the narrative toward greater truth.
With intentional deception, we discern if harmful intentions are masked by deception.

28. Discernment Dilemma
Discernment Dilemma: Fail to recognize evil intentions, we suffer harm. Attribute evil where none exists, we foreclose on loving relationships.
In the past we falsely attributed evil. Now we are reticent to repeat false attribution or demonization. Perceptions are clouded if we face deception associated with evil intentions.
Jonathan Kriz

29. The Constructive Third Party: Mediator
Heals wounds caused by…
The Destructive Third Party: The Hidden Influence
Mediator guides process, countering Destructive Third Party.
Assess if actions are destructive or constructive. Does party work toward reconciliation or division?

30. Situation-based Fear Unhealed Wounds
Fear drives harmful actions. Intensity of fear determines difficulty. Lowest level is situational fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being fired, fear of being ridiculed, fear of failure. Assess: Do people feel secure? safe? loved?
Unhealed wounds may be physical, emotional, or spiritual. May drive a proxy conflict. The party fights old, unresolved battles.

31. Deep-Seated Fear
Evil = profound existential fear. Party believes everyone seeks to cause them harm. They must defend at all costs; they engage in covert attempts to undermine or destroy. Hellish state of mind. No hope of saving grace. Lack empathy; unable to love; a psychopath.
Love is viewed as a Trojan Horse intended to destroy from within. Love foreclosed as a solution.

32. Quicksand Spider’s Web Flypaper
Evil traps. When we fight, struggle, or use force, the trap tightens. There is no escape. Despair. We suffer from disordered wills out of alignment with the Will of God.
“Rest in the Lord” and seek mystical union with Christ.

33. Recommended Resources
Snakes in Suits Babiak & Hare
The Devil You Don’t Know Louis Cameli
Narcissism / Dynamics of Evil Douglas McMannaman
Recommended resources for studying how evil sets traps. Map landscape of traps to negotiate. Be aware evil is not simply a metaphor.
Compare behavior of “psychopath” described in Snakes in Suits with concept of evil presented in The Devil You Don’t Know.

34. System Design Goals
How does a dispute resolution system benefit the Church? What must be improved? How do we normalize conflict resolution, so people know, “this is how we do it.”
When conflict resolution is normalized, the system provides safety and hope, and thus generates willingness to make peace.