1. MENTOR.
MOBILIZE.
MULTIPLY.
Course 1.5.4
Proactive Parenting

2. The key to producing a happy, well-adjusted and well-educated child is a pair of well-organized parents.
Irene Graef R.N.

3. What is a Proactive Parent?

4. 2 Kinds of Parents Reactive Parents Proactive Parents Key Word: React
Key Word: Plan
Proactive parents believe their kids are sinners by nature.
Reactive parents believe their kids are good by nature.
Proactive parents assume their kids will misbehave if they don’t intervene.
Reactive parents are surprised when their kids misbehave.
When faced with a problem, reactive parents will react, trying to solve the present problem.
Proactive parents consider goals for their kids, and construct a plan to develop the character to achieve those goals.

5. 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Ephesians 6:1-4

6. 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4
Reactive
Proactive

7. DISCIPLINE
Happens when the child has done something wrong.
Implies there will be some type of punishment or correction.
It is REACTIVE

8. INSTRUCTION
Happens before the child has the opportunity to do wrong.
Implies there will be instructions and evaluations.
It is PROACTIVE

9. DISCIPLINE

10. Appropriate Discipline
Type of Mistake
Appropriate Discipline
Irresponsible
Make them accept responsibility.
Disrespectful
Make them show respect.
Forgetful
Patiently remind them of their responsibilities with appropriate consequences if necessary.
Disobedient
Make them obey, and give them a fair punishment. Reinforce that you love them.

11. INSTRUCTION

12. INSTRUCTION
Step 1:
Talk individually with each child and explain which character traits they need to develop and why.
Step 2:
Design a plan to accomplish those goals with both rules and responsibilities.
Step 3:
Define punishments and rewards clearly.
Step 4:
Follow the plan and do evaluations.

13. INSTRUCTION Advantages:
1. The children will understand that they need to develop their character.
2. The children will understand the rules (reasons for them and consequences for not obeying them.)
3. It takes the anger out of discipline.
4. You will reach the heart of your children and not just the external behavior.

14. The Stable Line
“permissive”
Permissible
“strict”

15. It is a myth to think that the key to success as a parent is solely dependent upon how permissive or strict you are as a parent.
Dave Graef

16. The Stable Line Principle #1:
The key is to have a constant / stable line between that which is permissible and that which is not permissible.
Permissible

17. The Stable Line
“permissible by Mom”
“permissible by Dad”

18. The Stable Line Principle #2:
Dad’s rules and Mom’s rules must be the same! Parents must always be seen as a united front.

19. The Stable Line
Permissible

20. The Stable Line Principle #3:
The line should not fluctuate with the mood of the parents.
Permissible

21. Steps for maintaining a Stable Line
1. The parents will agree on 3 things:
~ Rules
punishments
~ Punishments
(rewards)
~ Rewards

22. Steps for maintaining a Stable Line
2. The parents will explain to their children 3 things:
~ What are the rules?
punishments
~ Why do they exist?
~ What are the punishments and rewards?
(rewards)

23. Steps for maintaining a Stable Line
3. The parents then enforce the rules consistently.
Every time the rule is broken, the child must experience the same punishment, without exception.

24. Steps for maintaining a Stable Line
3. The parents then enforce the rules consistently.
Dad must enforce Mom’s rules, and Mom must enforce Dad’s rules. In front of the kids, they are one singular authority.

25. HOW TO MAKE FAIR RULES

26. 5 Guidelines
1. Examine the purpose of the rules.
Rules

27. 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4

28. 5 Guidelines 1. Examine the purpose of the rules.
Rules don’t exist for the convenience of the parents, but rather for the development of character in our children.

29. 5 Guidelines 2. Eliminate all selfishness from the rules.
Rule: Must keep the radio down to certain volume.
Purpose?
(a) Because it bugs Mom & Dad?
(b) Because it teaches kids to respect others?

30. If a child believes that a rule is selfishly motivated, the consequences he suffers when he breaks that rule will only violate his sense of justice. This is exactly what provokes our children to anger.
Ron Graef, Pastor and Author

31. 5 Guidelines
3. Educate your children on the purpose for each rule.

32. 5 Guidelines 4. Employ the principles in your own life.
Example: If the purpose of a rule is to show respect toward others…
… then you as parents should be an example of respect before your kids.
Respect

33. The only other thing that provokes our children to anger is when they see HYPOCRISY. That is, the parents expect the children to develop a character trait that the parents themselves have not developed.
Ron Graef, Pastor and Author

34. 5 Guidelines 5. Execute the rules with just rewards and punishments.
Everyone gets on the same page.
permissible

35. Write down at least 3 house rules.
ACTIVITY
Write down at least 3 house rules.
House Rules
What is the purpose of each rule?
(What character trait is being developed?)
How have we communicated this to our kids?
How should we?

36. 5 Stages of
Christian
Maturity

37. 5 Stages of Christian Maturity
Key Word:
Patriarch
Spiritual Growth
Mentor
“Devote”
“Develop”
“Depend”
“Dignify”
“Disciple”
Adult
Adolescent
Child
Time

38. Evaluate yourself in your own spiritual journey.
Self-Evaluation
Evaluate yourself in your own spiritual journey.

41. Parenting
Paradigms

42. 4 Parenting Paradigms The Goal: The BIRD Paradigm “Independence”
The Role:
“Provide”

43. 4 Parenting Paradigms The BUDDHA Paradigm The Goal:
“Ignorance (of evil)”
The Role:
“Protect”

44. “Increase (of personal gain)”
4 Parenting Paradigms
The BOSS Paradigm
The Goal:
“Increase (of personal gain)”
The Role:
“Preside / Patrol”

45. 4 Parenting Paradigms The BIBLE Paradigm The Goal: “Instruction”
The Role:
“Prepare”

46. Usually, what do parents wish for their children?
The Bible Paradigm
Usually, what do parents wish for their children?
That they are . . .
But Biblically, what should we want?
Smart
Wise
Popular
Friendly
Athletic (if a boy)
Masculine
Attractive (if a girl)
Feminine
Happy Parents!

51. MULTIPLY.