1. ASSERTIVENESS
Chapter 5

2. “What you focus on, you get more of.”
Now take a s-l-o-w, deep breath. As you breathe in say, “What I focus on.”
As you exhale say, “I get more of.”
Repeat 2 more times.
Where can you start focusing on what you want?
“What you focus on, you get more of.”
Take a moment to reflect on your life.
Where do you focus your attention?
Is you focus on all the things you still need to do or on all the things you already accomplished?
Are you focused on the strengths of your partner, children, students, and self or on the short comings?

3. The Power of Attention
Our attention illuminates whatever it’s focused on and all else fades into the background. If your attention is focused on the problem, it is not open to a solution. Focusing on what we want is a key technique for lifelong happiness because it literally wires our brain for success. Look around your school. How many visual images show children what to do?

4. It is vital to understand that when we are upset and triggered we always focus on what we don’t want. (We must retrain our minds)
Scene I: “Michelle, why did you hit Jake? Would you like someone to hit you? Hitting hurts. Go turn your card to red. Then come back and be nice.” Teacher’s overall focus: __________________ Scene 2: “Mark, what is our rule about fighting? You march yourself down to the principal’s office. Fighting is not allowed in this school. Fighting is a serious offense.” Scene 3: “Cameron, you wanted a marker. You didn’t know the words to use to get it. You may not grab. When you want a marker say, May I borrow your marker, please? Say that now.” Scene 4: Think of a scene you had with a child this week, what words did you use? Your overall focus: __________________

5. Commitment
When I am upset, I will take a deep breath and switch my focus from what I don’t want to what I do want children to do. I will tell children what I want them to do and why. My “why” will be related to safely.

6. Becoming Brain Smart
Focusing on what we don’t want also pits our brain and body chemistry against our willpower.
Example:
I am on a diet, so that is it, no more sweets for me.
I love fruits and vegetables, I want more of them in my diet, and I love the way I feel after I eat them!
Pages : Attention and Noticing

7. The Skill of Assertiveness – 3 Voices
Passive
Aggressive
Intent
Clarity and Success
Avoids conflict through pleasing
Avoids conflict through dominating
Tone
No doubt
Asking permission
Or else!
Power
Within
Given Away
Taken from others
Feelings
Owned with direct expression
Projected with indirect expression
Information
Usable, what to do
Unusable, confusing
Unusable, attacking
Assertive Voice
Give children usable information by telling them what to do
Notices children’s behavior and communicates desired goal without judgment
Sends the nonverbal message of “just do it”
Intent: Your intent behind the words is more powerful that your actual choice of words

8. Adult Assertiveness
1. Name, Verb, Paint Assertive Commands
Mental Models govern our behaviors, so assertive communication with children seeks to help them create clear mental images by painting pictures of acceptable behaviors.
The more senses you can incorporate the more effective your assertive commands will be.
Visual: eye contact and gestures
Auditory: state child’s name and your expectation
Kinesthetic: Move into proximity with the child
Tactile: touch/offer gentle guidance
Energetic: with loving, positive intent for clarity and success
Step 1, Name: Make eye contact and say the child’s name Step2, Verb: Verbalize what you want to see and being the sentence with a verb (be as specific as possible) Step 3, Paint: Paint a picture of the expected behavior using gestures/visual cues

9. Adult Assertiveness
2. The Voice of No Doubt
Your tone of voice is critical. It is estimated that 93% if all communication is nonverbal, including voice tone, intention, and body language. “Yes, I love you. Now go outside and play!” When your voice and body language to not match we send mixed messages to the child. When our verbal and nonverbal communications match, we let children know we mean what we say and say what we mean.

10. Adult Assertiveness
3. Tell and Show for Children who Resist Children who do not follow our assertive commands are communicating to us that they need additional support. If a child chooses not to comply with a command, we must change the structure to aid in the child's success. Step 1: Give an assertive command Step 2: Notice and download Step 3: Say, “There you are! I’m going to show you how to…” Step 4: Notice and download, followed by 2 positive choices Step 5: Repeat the choices in a consistent and calm state, regardless of what the child says or does.

11. 4. Giving Assertive Commands to Groups
Adult Assertiveness
4. Giving Assertive Commands to Groups
Reflect on the following:
Have you taught the class signal?
Does is have an auditory, visual, and kinesthetic component?
Did you practice it for 21 days to form a habit?
Have you framed the experience so children who hear the signal can help those who missed it?
Do you encourage children who follow the signal by noticing instead of judging their accomplishments?
Do you use “You” statements of “I” statements (“I like”)?
Give the auditory signal first then the visual one
Step 1: Utilize a signal and/or conduct a unifying chant or movement.
Once you have their attend – S.T.A.R.
Step 2: Notice the children who stop.
____ you stopped, looked, and are ready to listen. (Avoid I statements)
Step 3: Verbally tell the children what you want them to do.

12. Adult Assertiveness
5. Redirection Redirection shifts a child’s attention from what she/he is currently doing to something safer or something that’s preferable. “You may not ___, you can do ____” Redirection requires face-to-face interaction, joint attention, clarification of boundaries (exaggerated facial expressions that express “not safe”), and assistance in connecting with the new object or option.

13. Additional Tips for Assertive Communication
Adult Assertiveness
6. Use I-Message
I-Message teaches respectfulness and assertiveness
It can only be used when you are in the executive state, so the first step is composure
Style 1: “I don’t like it when you _____.”
Follow with an assertive command and relate it to safety.
Style 2: “ When you _____, I feel _____ because _____.”
Follow with an assertive command.
Additional Tips for Assertive Communication
Be clear and direct
Own and express your feelings
Speak in concrete terms

14. Adult Assertiveness: I-Message
Unconscious labeling: “You are rude to interrupt.” Conscious I-Message: “I don’t like it when you interrupt. I can’t remember what I was saying. Raise your hand and I will call on you. Do it now for practice.” Unconscious labeling: “Why did you do that? What is wrong with you?” Conscious I-Message: “I don’t like it when you talk in that tone of voice. When your tone matches mine, I will be happy to listen. Both you and what you say are important to me.? Unconscious labeling: “You don’t care about anybody but yourself. You should be ashamed.” Conscious I-Message: “I feel furious when you keep ignoring me. I’m going to go calm down and then I will speak with you.”

15. Child Assertiveness If we value helpful behavior and want to see more problem-solving, we will go to the victim first and teach a helpful way to communicate. Children will learn that certain behaviors are valued in the classroom.
It activates an executive state in preparation for problem-solving
It indicates the child’s level of assertiveness
It creates a powerful teaching moment in which all class members learn a new skill
“Did you like it?” (this calls on the child/victim to reflect) Child responds with “No, I did not like it.” You coach the victim to assertively say, I don’t like it when you ___, next time ____.” This empowers every child in the classroom and encourages the aggressor to use the new skill.

16. Assertiveness by Age Age 1st: Set Up 2nd: Set Limit
3rd: Tell what to do
Nonverbal children
See his face.
His face is saying, “Stop. I don’t like it.”
“Touch me like this.” see his face. He likes that.
1-2 years
He doesn’t like it when you ___.
Say, “Stop,” or hold up a hand in a “stop” motion.
He wants you to ____.
2-3 years
Do you like it?
Say, “I don’t like it.”
She want you to ____.
3-4 years
Say, “I don’t like it when you ____.”
She wants you to say “____.” Say it now.
5-12 years
Tell ____, “I don’t like it when you ___.”
What do you want her to do next time to get ____? Tell her, “Next time, please ____.”
12 and up
Is that alright with you?
If you don’t like it, then you could say ____.

17. Assertiveness
To be assertive, we must express our feelings, thoughts, and wishes without diminishing those of other people.
Assertiveness is a learned behavior and to learn it we must:
Achieve self-awareness.
Monitor you own thought patterns.
Teach and utilize assertiveness in all you relationships.
Assertiveness begins with us and extends to our children.

18. Assertiveness Creates Safety Though Predictability and Consistency in Your School Family
Routine and Structure: Visual Routines
Young children’s brains use images to govern behavior, making visual routines essential to children’s success. Visual routines communicate our expectations to children through images. They are the ultimate form of assertive communication for you children.
Routines clearly outline expected behaviors, provide order, predictably, and consistency. This structure fosters a sense of safety: knowing what to do, when to do it, and how to do it with works and images is essential in building a school family.

19. A rule has the goal of stopping misbehavior and is enforced with consequences. A routine is the way you expect something to be done and is a taught procedure that brings order and predictability to the classroom.
M = Model your procedures and expectations for the children A = Add visuals P = Practice, practice, practice
Teaching a routine/behavior is no different that teaching long division. If a child fails to understand long division, we do not put his name on the board, remove recess time, or pull his card. We try to figure out how to teach it in a different way, strategy/intervention. The same holds true for routines/behaviors. Students need modeling, visuals, and practice.

20. Post you daily schedule in pictures and words.
Routines
Daily Schedules
Write down all the routines (arrival, dismissal, restroom, trasisiton, lining up, lunch, etc.)
Assertively teach the routines
Create class-made routine books
Learn more about visual routines
Post you daily schedule in pictures and words.
Tip: You can put Velcro on the back so that the schedule can be easily changed if needed.

21. Conflict Resolution Time Machine
The purpose of the Time Machine is to provide a way for children to change hurtful interactions with peers into helpful exchanges.
The Time Machine will be discussed in-depth in chapter 10.