1. Restorative Dialogue April 27, 2012 Kris Miner scvrjp@gmail.com
Crime Victims’ Rights Week
2012
Introduction by Jay Stafford, Dakota County Community Corrections.
10,000 hours for skill mastery – playing the piano, learning a 2nd language – mastery or “expert” – don’t care for the word, “expert” all experts at our own experiences. Our wisdom is in our experiences.
I started 18 years ago working as an in-home family therapist. Victims of child abuse, neglect, families with addictions. So after 18 years, of 50 weeks a year, 900 weeks at 40 hours – (subtracting 2 years of work for paperwork) – a total of 31,840 hours of experience.
Use of victim in this presentation – will also include those victim of their own choices – caused harm. Not to diminish the random, innocent – but note that good skills of listening, viewing people wholistically is good for everyone.
Also not that RJ goes from the 3rd grade class over broken pencils - - to a prison, where the offender is never leaving for the brutal murder. The victims sister wants to meet with the man after 25 years.
Introduction – with manipulative – teach about trauma and tactile – brain use of nervous space

2. This is why we do the work well. Prepare, prepare, prepare
This is why we do the work well. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Notice stereotypes here.
What victims needs – immediate tangible support – even a referral that they never use, helps them in the moment.
Victim questions often: why me? Are you gonna do it again? The person with those answers, is the offender.

3. Respect Relationship Responsibility Harms Needs Obligation Engagement
Restorative
Justice
Some basic overview of this philosophy and approach to RJ – it is a cloud if you will – a philosophy a way of responding to crime – with specific values –
How the R’s work – Respect regardless – respecting the person doesn’t mean accepting the behavior. Relationships – to the crime, to the community, to each other. Our responsibilities to the community to the family, to individuals, to the planet and laws that govern our behavior.
Accountability business card –
Zehr – Harms, needs, obligation, engagement.

4. Encounter Amends Reintegration Inclusion Victim-Offender Circle Conference
Restorative
Justice
VanNess – Encounter, amends, reintegration, inclusion – for all –
HOW we do RJ, the specific expressions, the specific processes
References available on request -

5. Healing & Accountability
What are some concerns you have when visiting with victims? What might happen if you would not know how to respond?
Healing & Accountability
Brainstorm list

6. Journey to healing is individual
Journey to healing is individual. We know way more about disease and dysfunction that healing.

7. Physical Mental Emotional Spiritual Holistic view of people
Reasons for harmful acts
Harm can be repaired
Healing is possible
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual
Harm is caused by a justification (not always rational)
RJ honorably resolves harm – deepest healing closest to the wound

8. Healing is a unique path, victims should be given space to do this individually. Blog post regarding.
Healing is complex - - healers – help others access their own inner healer – because healing comes from within.
Disclosure at CSI – and calling to inform the “courage” - helping others access their COURAGE and HOPE can help them access healing.

9. Physical –pain – hurt
Mental/emotional/spiritual – pain – harm
Harm can only be repaired by values.
Circulate the healing blood within you - - don’t seek to change people – seek to love them.

10. Fix Help Serve Fix – a relationship of judgment and expertise
Help – comes with a debt, feed you, give you
Serve – care and nurture life within and around you – unconditional positive regard for all

11. Compassionate Listening Listening validates
Listening is an art & science
Observation, analysis & practice
Seek truth, you don’t have to agree, listen through masks.
“an enemy is simply a person whose story you have not heard”
Compassionate listening – means realizing and connecting to our common suffering.
When you listen – you listen without judgment – you listen and ACCEPT that persons perception of what happened. You listen through layers of rationalization, justification and guilt.
Some victims will try to control a situation – and they talk about it as if they are at fault “if I hadn’t . .” know this is a survivor mechanism to prevent it from happening in the future.
Listening and empathy are on a continuum, they are skills you can develop to a deeper level – with practice, intention - - watch others, note yourself

12. Be Present
Listening does not mean advice, fixing, changing, telling about yourself.
We judge ourselves by our intentions – we judge others by their actions - -
Realized this about myself – others late for meetings – rude, if I was late – I was busy with urgent matters
Being present is what others need, more than being perfect – showing up.

13. Emotional Energy create a need to: be heard, understood, & acknowledged Resist the urge to fix or Speak about yourself
Challenges
Victims can have a strong emotional energy - - when that comes at you - - you may want to respond in different ways – know they just need to be heard, understood and acknowledged.
To be understood about your deepest concerns, creates intimacy - - a deep connection.
To understand does not mean to be judgmental, ask judgmental questions

14. Tips for Listening Accept Listen with ‘spiritual ear’ Breathe 3 times
Seek to Love (not to change)
Connect with the heart flow
“I’m with you, please continue”
Track
Ask yourself, if I . . .
Tips for Listening
Accept – their perception –
Remember the word EAR is in the middle of HEART – have love for the person as you would a family member
It is okay, when you aren’t sure, to just breathe 3 times – ask for the moment in the persons presence, use silence to connect back to center
Track skill - - use open ended questions with people - - “the issue is . . .”, “ you need . . “, “you feel . . .”

15. Focus on people and relationships, be good listeners and generally concerned with everyone’s needs.
why
Relationships are going out of your way for another person - -even if it is holding the door at the post office.
Eliminate asking WHY – ask who was impacted, what happened, why is a place of judgement – showing you have no context for the others behavior.

16. Healing - - change is inevitable – are nails, our hair, change will be on all levels – change to wellness is optional
To help have a belief in the capacity in change & growth
1)Be centered, 2)connected to your values, 3) connect to the humanity and 4)be congruent

17. Benefits Healthy Living Connections with others Positivity
Kindness towards others
Increased well-being
Creates joy & satisfaction
Greater ability to cope with hard times
Benefits
Benefits for victims, families, community
Community responsibility to help others
Services beyond yourself

18. Questions