1. Essay 1 Revision Tips

2. How Long Does It Take to Write an Essay for the Class?
From start to finish, it takes most students 8 to 10 hours to write a good essay.
One student’s response: “it takes me about 2 hours to write an essay and about 6 hours to revise it.”

3. What Do You Do When You Revise?
Begin with the big things: the thesis, the thesis statement, the organization, the support and development of ideas.
Then move on to strengthening the wording and sentences and correcting the errors.

4. Review the Thesis Statement
In one sentence, does the thesis statement (1) identify your subject; (2) express, specifically, the main points of your paper; and 3) identify how the main points are logically related?
Example: “The photograph depicts a family suffering from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to endure through difficult times.”

5. Putting It All Together
Thesis: The photograph depicts a family suffering from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to endure through difficult times.”
The mother and her children are severely impoverished.
The mother in Lange’s photograph is responsible for the survival and well being of her children, and it is clear that she is doing her best to provide for her children.
The responsibility of caring for her family helps the mother remain strong and determined not to be defeated during these difficult times.

6. Putting It All Together
Thesis: The photograph depicts a family suffering from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to endure through difficult times.”
The mother and her children are severely impoverished.
The mother in Lange’s photograph is responsible for the survival and well being of her children, and it is clear that she is doing her best to provide for her children.
The responsibility of caring for her family helps the mother remain strong and determined not to be defeated during these difficult times.

7. Putting It All Together
Thesis: The photograph depicts a family suffering from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to endure through difficult times.”
The mother and her children are severely impoverished.
The mother in Lange’s photograph is responsible for the survival and well being of her children, and it is clear that she is doing her best to provide for her children.
The responsibility of caring for her family helps the mother remain strong and determined not to be defeated during these difficult times.

8. Putting It All Together
Thesis: The photograph depicts a family suffering from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to endure through difficult times.”
The mother and her children are severely impoverished.
The mother in Lange’s photograph is responsible for the survival and well being of her children, and it is clear that she is doing her best to provide for her children.
The responsibility of caring for her family helps the mother remain strong and determined not to be defeated during these difficult times.

9. Putting It All Together
Thesis: The photograph depicts a family suffering from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to endure through difficult times.”
The mother and her children are severely impoverished.
The mother in Lange’s photograph is responsible for the survival and well being of her children, and it is clear that she is doing her best to provide for her children.
The responsibility of caring for her family helps the mother remain strong and determined not to be defeated during these difficult times.

10. How Do Your Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences Look?
Copy and paste your thesis statement and each of your topic sentences at the end of your essay.
This is an outline of your essay. How does it look? What could you change to strengthen it?

11. Another Example
Thesis: Mansfield's "Miss Brill" illustrates the old woman's attempt to alleviate loneliness by creating an alternate reality for herself, yet she is ultimately forced to face the self-deception for what it truly is.
Miss Brill's ritual of visiting the park every Sunday helps her to cope with loneliness.
Miss Brill alters her perception of reality to avoid facing unpleasant aspects of her life.
A series of events leads to Miss Brill's illusion being shattered and forces her to realize the self-deception.

12. Developing Ideas within Body Paragraphs
Each body paragraph should be focused on supporting and developing the main idea or insight presented in the topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph.
The main idea of each paragraph should be developed with specific descriptions of parts of the painting or photograph.
Each body paragraph should be at least half of a page long (and that is a short paragraph).

13. Using Specific Descriptions
There should be many specific descriptions in each body paragraph: many words that give readers specific things to “see.”
“Show, Don’t Tell.”
See the examples on the “Using Specific and Concrete Diction” course Web page.

14. Development of Body Paragraphs
The looks on the children’s faces tell a whole other story about their life. These children’s expressions could mean several different things. They could be wondering when their parents will come home to take care of them. They could also be wondering what is going to happen to them next. The children’s faces look as if they were sad and wanted to know how they were going to survive through this time of poverty in their lives. They also look like they are looking around to see if anyone was coming for them. You can see that they all seem to be looking in different directions. The little girl looks as if she were looking out into the distance for someone to come and take her home. The boys are sitting there looking other ways to see if their parents were coming back for them.

15. Development of Body Paragraphs
In the painting, the couple appears to be at the edge of a meadow of flowers. The woman’s feet are parallel with the meadow’s end. Leaving her at the edge of the meadow can represent her being on the edge of desire, or at the end of her innocence, about to plunge into the unknown. The flowers are a myriad of colors, which create a mosaic effect upon the ground. As the meadow ends, it becomes a black and golden abyss. It is possible that for the woman, this could also represent her coming to the end of reason, to the end of her choices, to the beginning of a new fate of which she is not certain of the outcome yet.

16. Development of Body Paragraphs
Struggle is a natural part of human life, and can be clearly seen in the painting of Christina.  As she sits in the field, her legs, covered in white tights, are bent awkwardly and sprawled out behind her, covered by the bottom of a pink dress leading down to her brown, old-fashioned shoes, which makes her seem as though she is unable to move her legs.  Her knees are gently bent in a way that proves she is unable to use them to crawl.  Christina is alone in the middle of the field surrounded by a sea of endless wheat, which explains that her struggle is just with herself and her own body.  Also, because she is very far away from the house and in the very middle of the field, not by a road, she looks as though she is abandoned.  The gray sky also adds to the fact that she is alone and makes the day look gloomy even though there are no clouds.  Looking through her point of view, her travels through the field may look endless, since she is so far away from the house.  Even when she finally reaches the house, there is a fence all the way around the house, which shows that once she gets to the fence, she still has obstacles in her way.  All of these elements in the painting together show Christina’s struggle with her physical condition.

17. Development of Body Paragraphs
Remember to Present Interpretation of Your Descriptions
As she sits in the field, her legs, covered in white tights, are bent awkwardly and sprawled out behind her, covered by the bottom of a pink dress leading down to her brown, old-fashioned shoes, which makes her seem as though she is unable to move her legs. 
Her knees are gently bent in a way that proves she is unable to use them to crawl. 
Christina is alone in the middle of the field surrounded by a sea of endless wheat, which explains that her struggle is just with herself and her own body. 

18. Your Body Paragraphs
How much specific description appears in the body paragraphs of your essay?
Underline all of the words in a body paragraph that present specific descriptions: these should be words that will create images in the reader’s mind of exactly what you see in the painting or photograph.

19. Presenting Effective Descriptions
What are the colors?
What are the shapes?
Where do the items appear in the picture?
What do the items look like?
For every description in your paper, ask yourself, “Can I be more specific and more vivid?”
Consider using a thesaurus, carefully, to help you with more specific descriptions.

20. Strengthening Your Writing Style
 Avoid using
the first-person (no “I,” “me,” etc.)
“you,” especially to describe readers looking at the picture, as in “if you look in the background of the picture, you will see…”
contractions, such as “isn’t” and “it’s”
informal wording, such as “guy” and “a bunch of”
repetitive wording, such as repeated “this shows”

21. Strengthening Your Writing Style
 Try to use
specific wording to help readers “see” what is in the picture
words indicating your interpretation, such as “suggesting,” “showing,” and “indicating”
transitional words, such as “in addition,” “likewise,” and “however”
a variety of wording and sentences

22. Avoiding Grammar and Punctuation Errors
Use the Diagnostic Essay feedback to identify the kinds of errors likely to be in your writing.
Realize that sentence-boundary errors (sentence fragments, run-on sentences, and comma splices) significantly lower the grades of essays.
Read about errors on the “Identifying and Eliminating Common Errors in Writing” page.
Ask about errors!

23. Presenting Titles
The title of your essay should be centered and in the same fonts as the rest of the essay, with no underlining, no italicizing, no bold.
In the introduction, give the title of the painting or photograph and the name of the painter or photographer. The title of the picture should be italicized, with no quotation marks.
If you have no title for the picture, refer in the introduction to “this untitled painting of …”

24. Finally, Use Resources Provided for You
This PowerPoint!
The “Essay 1 Revision Checklist”
The Essay 1 assignment page
The course web pages
The instructor
The Writing Center