1. Perfect Lifetime Partner Notes Interpersonal Relationships Mrs. Torp

2. Rape – forced sexual intercourse
Date Rape – rape that occurs in a dating situation by the person you are out with
Acquaintance Rape – rapist is someone victim knows or is familiar with
These definitions are societal, not legal. So if someone does anything identified here, he/she might be charged using different legal terminology, depending on the state where the crime occurred. Legal definitions will be explained by a guest speaker at another time during the semester.
By society definition, rape would include vaginal, oral, anal or digital (fingers) forced sex.
About 90% of reported rapes are acquaintance rapes – where the victim has seen the rapist before. This is because most rapists stalk their victims prior to attacking them.
Why would they stalk them? (answer: to determine behavior patterns, schedules, etc. so they can determine when the victim is most vulnerable, and when they would be most likely to get away with rape)

3. Steps to Avoiding Date Rape
1. Avoid risky situations – be careful where you go and with whom 2. Set limits for yourself – decide ahead of time what your appropriate behaviors are 3. Communicate – tell your partner the limits you have set
There are many precautions we can take to help avoid being a victim of a crime – installing burglar alarms, locking doors and windows, etc. That doesn’t mean that, if we don’t do those things, it is our fault if we are victimized. Rape is no different. We’re going to discuss some steps people can take to help minimize the risk of rape.
Right now, you have access to a lot of information about most of the people you might date. When you get to college, that won’t be the case. You will probably only know what they tell you. Until you get to know the character of the person, be extra cautious – meet them somewhere instead of giving out your address; go where there will be other people; go out with other couples; avoid places (i.e. parties) where you know you might be tempted to make a poor decision.
Date rape often comes down to your word against theirs. If you aren’t sure where your limits are, how could you expect your date to know where the line is? Decide ahead of time, when you’re thinking about your goals and thinking with your brain, not reacting to your hormones, so you can be confident about your choice. Let’s take it away from rape to a party situation: Why would you need to decide whether you are going to drink or not before you leave to go to a party? (answers should be things like designated driver, friend to make sure you don’t do something you’d regret).
If you don’t tell your partner, how would they know? Be clear to avoid confusion and temptation. Back to the party: suppose you and a friend are going to a party. You haven’t discussed it, so each of you thinks the other will be the designated driver.

4. 4. Recognize disrespectful behavior – learn to identify signs that your partner is not taking you seriously 5. Be assertive – say NO and Mean It! BOTTOM LINE: The ONLY thing that means “yes” is “YES.” 6. Avoid open containers – don’t accept an open drink from ANYONE.
We teach people how to treat us by how we react to what they do. If someone makes fun of you or doesn’t listen when you say you don’t want to do something, and you don’t call them on it, why would they change their behavior? You don’t have to be mean about telling them (you could just use the I message idea), but you do need to be assertive and let them know that’s not ok with you. It isn’t ok if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want you to spend time with your friends. It isn’t ok if they slap you or hold you down. Ladies, it isn’t ok for you to slap or hit guys, just like it isn’t ok for them to hit you. There shouldn’t be a double-standard. Use words! Once you tell them that the behavior bothers you and they change it, then it’s ok. If it doesn’t change, follow Dr. Newton’s advice: There are 2,000 other guys or girls here. Pick a different one!
Make sure your actions match your words. If you say you don’t want to have sex until you’re married, but you invite them over to your house because your parents are gone…. You’re sending mixed signals. Ladies, be sure you aren’t advertising anything that you aren’t selling! If you go to a dance and rub all over your date, I’m guessing he isn’t getting the message that you don’t want to have sex! Be consistent so there’s no confusion.
If you didn’t open it, or you set it down to do something else, get a new drink! Don’t ask or expect a friend to watch it for you. Just get a new one.

5. Stages in Learning to Love
1. Self-love – babies feel good and safe in their world
2. Love of caregiver – babies come to love and trust their caregivers
3. Love of peers – interact with others your same age and develop strong relationships
Babies don’t have self-esteem issues! They are fascinated with themselves.
Very quickly, babies begin to attach emotionally to the people who take care of them. They build that trust (like Erikson’s Theory) because those are the people who make everything better when there is a problem.
At about preschool age, children gain more independence and confidence and discover that there are others like them. Before that age, most of their lives have been dominated by adults because the children needed so much help to do anything. At this stage, children begin to really enjoy playing with children their own age.

6. 5. Love of partner – attraction to possible future partners
4. Hero worship – children develop loving admiration of an older person
5. Love of partner – attraction to possible future partners
6. Mature love – feelings based on caring, sharing, respect, understanding, trust, commitment and character
At this stage, we begin to look for role models. How many of you remember hero worshiping someone – power rangers, older siblings? (show of hands and then call on a few to hear their examples) How many of you have been or are being hero worshiped by someone? (show of hands and call on a few to explain their situation). Like it or not, there is a responsibility there, if someone looks up to you. You need to be aware that they are going to want to do what you do.
This is the stage most of you are at now. It is exciting and challenging. It typically involves dating. What is the purpose of dating at your age? Are you looking for a spouse? (answer: it’s like shopping for traits. You learn about yourself and others and find out, typically through trial and error, which personality types work best with your own.)
At this stage, you are more concerned about the character of the person, how they act and treat others, their values, etc., than you are about looks or surface qualities.

7. Love vs. Infatuation Love – mature love – personality/character based
The three dimensions of mature love:
1. Romantic Love – expressing appreciation
for the good qualities in your partner
2. Intellectual Love – the friendship side of love,
based on trust and respect and built through
communication and companionship
3. Physical Love – physical intimacies that
express the desire to make your partner feel
loved and needed
Infatuation – sudden strong attraction based on
physical or observable traits… looks, confidence, etc.
Romantic love would be include the little things you do to show you care – cards, going to watch their game, calling/texting just to say hi.
This is just enjoying spending time together.
For your age, appropriate physical love would include things like hugs, holding hands and kissing.
Can you be infatuated with a person you’ve never met? (answer: yes) Can you be in mature love with a person you’ve never met? (No.)

8. Dealing with the Breakup
1. Teen break-ups are normal – realize that most teen dating relationships (90-95%) don’t last.
2. Understand that sometimes a breakup is no
one’s fault. Goals and needs may change.
3. It isn’t your last chance – although this relationship didn’t work out, another one will.
4. Re-evaluate the relationship. Be objective. Learn from it.
If you’re high school relationship doesn’t last, you are sooooo normal!
As humans, we tend to want to blame someone when a relationship ends. Sometimes it isn’t anyone’s fault. You are still figuring out your identity (according to Erikson), and your interests and goals change. I think of an ended teenage relationship like the favorite pair of jeans. You know, they used to fit great, you were so comfortable in them, etc. Then, you have a growth spurt and they aren’t comfortable anymore. They aren’t the right fit for you now. It isn’t easy to give them up, but you need to.
To think that, at 15 or so, you’ve met loved and lost the only person you will ever care about or who will ever care about you doesn’t make much sense if you stop and think about it.
We can learn something from every relationship we have. Take some time to think about the relationship (as it was at the end, not just remembering the fun, exciting beginning). What can you learn about yourself, you needs, how to interact with/treat others? Learn from the relationships so you won’t keep repeating the same pattern over and over.

9. The Road to Recovery 1. Put the experience down on paper.
2. Prepare for memories.
3. Accept your ex-partner’s new relationships.
4. Rely on family and friends.
5. Be good to yourself.
These are just some suggestions for times when you might be struggling with a relationship that ended. Not all of these will help all of you.
If you are someone who likes to write songs or keeps a journal, this might be very helpful to you. Writing is a way of figuring out and expressing your emotions.
If you dated the person very long, realize that there will be memories that come back from time to time, and some of them can make you miss the person (even if you were the one to break off the relationship). Be ready for those. For example, if you always went to the football games together, realize that the first few times you go without that person may feel awkward. Plan ahead and try to make it a different experience so you won’t experience so many reminders.
Accepting the new relationship can be hard, because you may feel like you’re being replaced and that your relationship with that person didn’t matter. You don’t have to be friends with the new person, but don’t blame them or say bad things about them. It only makes you look insecure and bitter. It may be hard to accept, but it isn’t the new person’s fault. People leave relationships when they aren’t happy or comfortable any more. We can’t “steal” someone away from someone else if they don’t want to go. If we could, we’d be able to date anyone we wanted! Think about it: if you are happy in the relationship you’re in and someone cute/nice flirts with you, it makes you feel good, but you don’t automatically dump your date and go with the new person.
How long is a long-term high school relationship? (Ask.) How long is a long-term friendship? (Ask.) Friendships are more likely to last. That’s why it is so important not to quit spending time with your friends when you start to date someone. If you don’t dump your friends, you still have that part of your social life when the dating relationship ends.
A little grieving time is normal when a relationship ends. You wouldn’t let a friend mope around and not do anything for weeks. Don’t let yourself do that. Go back out and spend time with your friends. Get your mind off of your old relationship so you can start feeling better sooner.