1. Verbal Messages

2. Verbal Messages Verbal refers to oral and written words
Verbal messages without words (laughter, vocalized pauses such as “um” or “erm”) are nonverbal

3. Verbal Messages (cont.)
Metacommunication
“Meta” – about
Metacommunication, metalanguage, metamessage
“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“We need to talk about our fight.”

4. Principles of Verbal Messages
Messages are packages of verbal and nonverbal signals
Ex. You don’t usually express anger with your words while your face smiles
The meaning of a message is in the people, not the message itself; meanings are in people, not words
To find the meaning of the word, “love,” look in a dictionary.
To know what John means when he says, “I’m in love,” turn to John.

5. Principles of Verbal Messages
Meanings are connotative and denotative
Denotative – objective
Connotative – subjective, emotional (ex. A wink; “death” to a doctor vs a mother)
Snarl words (“he’s a pig”), purr words (“she’s a real sweetheart”) – highly emotionally charged negative or positive

6. Principles of Verbal Messages (cont.)
Messages vary in politeness
Indirect language is more polite
Cultural differences
In-group and out-group messages (“doctor jokes” when there’s a non-doctor in the group)
Politeness online (don’t gossip, don’t reveal everything online, keep messages short and on-topic)

7. Principles of Verbal Messages (cont.)
Messages can criticize and praise
Praising
Use I-messages
Use positive facial affect (express your feelings)
Name the behavior you’re praising
Consider culture

8. Principles of Verbal Messages (cont.)
Messages can criticize and praise (cont.)
Criticizing
Own your thoughts and feelings with I-messages
Be clear
Consider the context or situation

9. Principles of Verbal Messages (cont.)
Messages vary in assertiveness
“I win, you win” philosophy even in confrontation
Assertiveness varies culturally
Steps to assertive communication
Describe the problem (“We’re all working on this, but you’re missing half our meetings”)
State how it affects you (“My job depends on the success of this project, I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do extra work on your behalf.”)
Propose workable solutions (“If you can get your report in on Tuesday, we can still meet the deadline.”)
Confirm understanding (“It’s clear we can’t finish this if you don’t pull your weight. Will you have the report to us by Tuesday?”)

10. Confirm or Disconfirm?
Say you’ve been living with someone for six months and you arrive home late one night. Your partner complains. Which answer are you most likely to give?
“Stop screaming. I’m not interested in what you’re babbling about. I’ll do what I want, when I want. I’m going to bed.”
“What are you so angry about? Didn’t you get in three hours late last Thursday when you went to that party? So knock it off.”
“You have a right to be angry. I should have called you to tell you I was going to be late, but I got involved in a serious debate at work and couldn’t leave until it was resolved.”

11. Confirm or Disconfirm?
Say you’ve been living with someone for six months and you arrive home late one night. Your partner complains. Which answer are you most likely to give?
“Stop screaming. I’m not interested in what you’re babbling about. I’ll do what I want, when I want. I’m going to bed.”
DISCONFIRM
“What are you so angry about? Didn’t you get in three hours late last Thursday when you went to that party? So knock it off.”
REJECTION
“You have a right to be angry. I should have called you to tell you I was going to be late, but I got involved in a serious debate at work and couldn’t leave until it was resolved.”
CONFIRM

12. Principles of Verbal Messages (cont.)
Messages can confirm and disconfirm
Disconfirmation –ignores the other person’s presence and communication; leads to lowered self-esteem
Rejection – disagree or reject the person’s ideas or behaviors but still recognize the person
Confirmation – acknowledges and accepts the other person; leads to increased self-esteem

14. Principles of Verbal Messages (cont.)
Messages vary in cultural sensitivity
Cultural identifiers – language to talk to and about people of different groups
Race and nationality (“African American” or “Black”?)
Affectional (sexual) orientation (“We have two gays on the team” = offensive)
Age (“Older person” preferable to “elderly”)
Sex and gender (“Girl vs Lady vs Woman” / “Boy vs Man”)

15. Guidelines for Using Verbal Messages Effectively
Extensionalize: avoid intensional orientation
Intensional orientation – view labels rather than things or people as they exist
Extensional orientation – view people or things as they are rather than how they are talked about their labels

16. Guidelines (cont.)
Distinguish between facts and inferences: avoid fact-inference confusion
Factual statements – description based on things you observed (“I saw Sally at a bar last night”)
Inferential statements – conclusions based on what you observed (“Sally is probably cheating on Bob”)
Fact-inference confusion

17. Guidelines (cont.) Discriminate among: avoid indiscrimination
Indiscrimination –stereotyping; focus on group instead of each unique member within group
“He’s just like the rest of them: lazy, stupid, and a real slob.”
“Read a romance novel? I read one when I was 16. One is enough for me.”
Discrimination – recognize that not every member in the group is alike

18. Guidelines (cont.) Talk about the middle: avoid polarization
Polarization – fallacy of either/or (“Well, are you for us or against us?” and “College better get me a good job. Otherwise, it has been a waste of my time.”
Thinking in extremes makes us forget other possibilities

19. Guidelines (cont.) Update messages: avoid static evaluation
Static evaluation – keep attitudes and beliefs about someone despite inevitable changes
Do you treat your little sister as if she were 10 years old, or as the 20-year-old woman she has become?
Facebook: “I hate stupid people. They should all die.”