1. Becoming the Totally Responsible Person®
Enhancing Personal and Professional Success
© 2018 TRP Enterprises, Inc.

2. Our main purpose today?
Stay Positive, Productive and Effective No matter what the circumstances!

3. Overview Take Personal Responsibility for Our Emotions and Attitudes
Things that “get to us” or that we “take personally”
At home
At work
Teamwork and Collaboration
The Importance of “Purpose”

4. Objectives
Eliminating any “Victim Mentality” in Ourselves (victim vs. victim mentality).
Becoming the Totally Responsible Person (TRP).
Dealing with the Victim Mentality in Others.

5. Which is more important?
EQ OR IQ ?
Emotional
Quotient
Intelligence
Quotient
(Emotional Intelligence)

6. Why does EQ matter?
What percentage of job success is determined by our IQ?
Optimism, support, seeing stress as an opportunity.
Shawn Achor, Positive Psychologist 75
Why does EQ matter? Well, what percentage of our job success is determined by our IQ for example?
According to research conducted by Harvard Psychologist Shawn Achor, he found that “only 25% of job successes are predicted by I.Q., 75 percent of job successes are predicted by our optimism levels, our social support and our ability to see stress as a challenge instead of as a threat.” 25

7. Goals Becoming the Totally Responsible Person (TRP)
Dealing with the Victim Mentality in Others
Eliminating any “Victim Mentality” in Ourselves (victim vs. victim mentality)

8. The Victim Mentality
If things are going wrong, or badly, or not to my liking, then someone is to blame.
It is necessary to identify the persons, circumstances, or sources of why things are not as I think they should be.
Blame must be determined and accepted by the wrongdoer, and things must be made right.
I am justified in being emotionally upset. Neither growth nor learning result from the bad things that happen to me.

9. Totally Responsible Person
Everything that happens to me provides me with
Opportunities
For
Learning
And
Growth.
I cannot blame anyone else for how I feel, what I do, or the attitude I choose.

10. Opportunity
Stimulus
Reaction 13

11. Opportunity
STIMULUS CHOICE RESPONSE

12. Choice
Can we actually “get over it” when we are in the middle of it?

13. Verizon LTE :19 PM %
< i
Cute Boy
Choice
What’s up cutie?

14. Awareness
AWARENESS A L O W S
STIMULUS CHOICE RESPONSE

15. Awareness of Our Victim Mentality
3 COMPONENTS:
Thoughts and statements
Emotions
Behaviors
Body postures
Facial expressions
Tone of Voice
Strategies

16. Victim Mentality Strategies
Guilt trip
Talk behind their back
Gather support for myself
Get sympathy and pity
Act mean to them
Show I'm superior
Silent Treatment
Overeat
Withdraw to reading, TV, internet, games
Use alcohol, cigarettes, drugs
Skip work, school or responsibilities
Take it out on others
Spend money; shop
Stew; seek revenge

17. Awareness allows choice

18. Victim Mentality is Pervasive in Society
News Media
Bad thing happens: Who is to blame?

19. Dealing with our own Victim Mentality
Step back and see the humor!

20. Victim Mentality Behaviors
Criticism and judgment
Blame
Victim mentality thinks the other person is the problem… and the solution.

21. Victim Mentality Statements and Attitudes
“Look what you made me do.”
Letting things “get to me.”
Taking things personally.
Giving in to negative emotions.

22. Victim Mentality Statements and Attitudes
“He made me so angry.”
“Sunshine makes me happy.”
“Cloudy days make me sad.”
“It makes me feel…”

23. Victim Mentality
Any thought, statement or action which gives up responsibility for one's emotional state and behavior, reveals an underlying victim mentality. 17

24. Summary
We are here
Victim Mentality
TRP

25. Where will I use this awareness?
What is one area of work I would like to apply what I am learning?
What is one thing I can do, today, to apply what I am learning?
What can other people expect of me as a result? 19

26. Let’s Review…
We are here
Victim Mentality
TRP

27. ELEMENTS of Self-Responsibility
Everything that happens to me provides me with opportunities for learning and growth. 19

28. ELEMENTS of Self-Responsibility
1. Everything that happens to me provides me with opportunities for learning and growth.
2. I cannot blame anyone else for how I feel, what I do, or the attitude I choose. 19

29. “At one point I was a product of my environment but in time I made my environment a product of me.
I’ve learned to eliminate the excuses that today our youth use to justify their failure.
If you want to get out of your situation you can, but you must decide to do so. I didn’t blame the problems I encountered through life on my parents.”
Derek Anderson Author, Entrepreneur
After a successful career in the NBA, Derek Anderson started a foundation, creating opportunities for youth. He wrote a 2013 book called Stamina. Why? Because Derek never had it easy. Born into a family of abuse and alcohol, Derek was homeless by age 12 in the streets of Louisville, KY. Here is an excerpt from his book (read slide).
We all have similar challenges. We all have a goal we are trying to reach and when we fall short, do we look for who to blame, or do we look at what we can do to improve?

30. ELEMENTS of Self-Responsibility
1. Everything that happens to me provides me with opportunities for learning and growth.
2. I cannot blame anyone else for how I feel, what I do, or the attitude I choose.
3. I shall seek no exceptions to this belief… even when I’m not at fault. 19

31. Mary Barra
Chief Executive Officer, General Motors
“We accept responsibility for our mistakes and commit to doing everything in our power to prevent this from happening again.”
Mary Barra assumed the role of CEO on January 1, Do you know what kind of year GM had last year (2014)? Recalled nearly 30 million vehicles, mostly safety-related defects. To put that in perspective, GM’s annual production is about 9.3 million vehicles was a tough year, and Mary “inherited” problems for which she is now accountable as the head of the company.

32. Sound familiar?

33. What does TRP mean to you?
Who is a personal role model for you, either now, or someone who has served that role in the past? 19

34. What does TRP mean to you?
For whom are you a role model? Who is looking up to you to “Be TRP?” 19

35. Moments of Choice Character Response Moment of Choice Stimulus
Positive
Awareness Develops
Negative
Character
Stimulus
Reaction

36. Working with our emotions

37. Police officer honored for going above & beyond call of duty
For Kevin Gilbert, being a police officer means helping others – whether he is on duty or on his own time.
Randolph Police Department recently awarded Gilbert a commendation saying he is the “living embodiment of service and selflessness.”

38. Police officer honored for going above & beyond call of duty
When he leaves work at the end of his shift, Gilbert scours social media and news headlines for people who are in need and those he may be able to help, the department said.
"As a police officer, making an arrest is one thing in the course of our duties, but by sending a letter and gift with a police patch to a sick child in the hospital, you can do the most with that," Gilbert said.
Police officer honored for going above & beyond call of duty

39. Serving Others
In my life I will reverse the flow by: ____________________________ 19

40. Victim  TRP Profile
Victim Mentality
TRP

41. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Spouse/Partner X
Child
In-Laws
Parents
Manager
Co-worker
Customer
Peer x

42. Eliminating Negative Criticism
Negative criticism, directed toward others--or ourselves--blocks our inner goodness from emerging. Criticism arises from our negative emotions, a defensive reaction to being criticized, or simply a habit. Or a cover for our own perceived inadequacies. For example: “You never get your act together and help out, so how do you expect me to do my job properly!” Criticism is a first cousin of blame and is often used in the same sentence. There is little that is gained by negative criticism (other than a temporary “feel good” such as, “I guess I told them!”)
Criticism prevents us from seeing people as they really are. Our criticism creates a filter, an illusion, through which others, or we ourselves, appear distorted. We see only weaknesses and imperfections. We blind ourselves to those positive qualities and innate goodness that everyone possesses. Criticism may also be fueled by a feeling of “superiority,” or self-righteousness, or similar emotional “payoff.” The opposite of negative criticism is kindness and harmlessness. When these become a part of our daily lives, then the need for our “payoff” of negative criticism will end. .

43. What is the impact of criticism and gossip?
Separative
Lowers Morale
Can be hurtful to others
Hinders interpersonal relations
Lowers productivity
Inhibits creativity
Wastes time
What goes around…

44. Dealing with… Another’s criticism of us
Discern between negative criticism vs. positive feedback
Look at motivation of speaker
Reframe the comment
e.g. as a desire to help

45. Handling another’s criticism of an absent third party
“How can we help that person?”

46. OUR CRITICISM OF OTHERS
Develop awareness when we are critical.
Replace “but” with “and”
Recognize our subtle criticisms.

47. Subtle Criticisms
Where are my car keys, dear?
Where you left them.

48. Overcoming the Victim Mentality in Ourselves, Page 33
Become Aware
Choose to stop “playing the victim”
Create an environment
Underline victim statements
“Laugh about it”
Make a decision
Without criticizing or judging…
Serve others
Consider the possibility…
Tell inspiring stories

49. Solving Problems : What do we do???
Each year at our employee retreat, the executive staff plan and present a comedic scene from Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew. The same costumes are used each year and are stored in the furnace room. The performance is 8 hours from now. It has just been discovered that water leaked into the box and ruined the costumes (all 16th century clothing).
What do we do???

50. Instructions for Q’s
Criticize all solutions/suggestions made by others
Be a naysayer: “That won’t work because…”
Prevent any agreement or solution

51. Guidelines for Solution-Focused Meetings
No criticism, blame, or defensiveness
Cooperate in finding solutions
Build on other people’s ideas
Allow others’ ideas to trigger new thoughts in you
Inject humor
Arrive at the meeting early
Sit quietly for a few minutes and reflect on the purpose of the meeting

52. Group Victim Mentality

53. Group Victim Mentality
Teachers vs. Students
Managers vs. Front line Employees
Smokers vs. Nonsmokers
Department A vs. Department B
Men vs. Women
Rural residents vs. Urban residents
Administrators vs. Technical staff

54. Group Victim Mentality
Political Party A vs. Party B
Wealthy vs. Middle Class vs. Poor
Attorneys vs. Physicians
Ethnic groups A vs. B vs. C
Parents vs. Children
Central Office vs. Branch Offices

55. Creating a Positive Culture
To be successful,
you have to have
your heart in your business, and your business in your heart.
Thomas Watson, Sr.
Chairman & CEO IBM Corp.

56. Creating a Positive Culture
Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence.
Sheryl Sandberg,
COO of Facebook

57. Focusing on Solutions
Tools we can use
Appendix F, Page 76 19

58. Tools
1. Avoid feeding victim thinking and behavior. 19

59. Tools
2. Use more empathy, Less sympathy. 19

60. Tools
3. Acknowledge the pain and the unwanted circumstances, though avoid agreement or judgment. 19

61. Tools
4. Avoid the tendency to share personal experiences that reinforce victim mentality. 19

62. Tools
5. Misery loves company, Don’t provide it. 19

63. Tools
6. Move towards the future and focus on solutions. 19

64. Tools
7. Use “think” vs. “feel.” 19

65. Tools
8. Beware the bond of victim-hood! 19

66. Tools
9. Stay away from victim labels. 19

67. Tools
10. Lead by example. 19

68. Reminder
It is the strengths we look for in others that allows that person to use those assets to overshadow their own weaknesses. 19

69. Accountability Certain behaviors, often unintentional, encourage
victim behavior in others.

70. Rescuing Taking care of others so they
do not have to be responsible for their victim behavior and emotional state.

71. Enabling
Encouraging the victim mentality by letting others know their victim behavior and negative emotional state are justified and acceptable.

72. Exercise 10 Victim: “They hurt my feelings.”
Rescuer: “What can I do to make you feel better?”
Enabler: “You ought to be upset by the way you were treated.”
TRP: “What can you do to keep it from happening again?”

73. Exercise 10
Victim: “If Jim would be nice to me, it would make it easier for me to be nice to him.”
Rescuer: “Leave it to me. I’ll talk to him for you.”
Enabler: “You are right. How could anyone be nice to someone who isn’t nice.”
TRP: (Silence)

74. Exercise 10 Victim: They cheated me again.
Rescuer: “I’ll see that you get treated fairly.”
Enabler: “Oh you poor thing, I hate it so much for you, awwww...”
TRP: “Uh huh.”

75. Exercise 10
Victim: “I can’t wait to get out of here. This place stinks.”
Rescuer: “Come with me. I’ve got transportation.”
Enabler: “Yea, they treat us like dogs.”
TRP: “What’s keeping you from leaving?”

76. Exercise 10 Victim: “You won’t believe what Todd did to me today.”
Rescuer: “I’ll speak to his boss for you.”
Enabler: “Sit down and tell me all about it.”
TRP: “What’s a positive way that you can deal with Todd?”

77. Exercise 10
Victim: “I can’t do it without you. I need you to get me out of this mess!”
Rescuer: “That’s easy for me. I’ll do it for you.”
Enabler: “You’d think they’d know better than to put you in this situation.”
TRP: “You make a plan and start work on it. If you find you need some help, let me know.”

78. Exercise 10 Victim: “You never call me.”
Rescuer: “Will every Sunday night be okay?”
Enabler: “You must be so lonely.”
TRP: “You’re welcome to call me.”

79. Exercise 10
Victim: “I’ll be alone, but just go on without me--and have a good time.”
Rescuer: “I wouldn’t want you to be upset-I’ll stay here with you.”
Enabler: “They left you alone again?”
TRP: “Okay.”

80. Exercise 10 Victim: “When are you going to do it my way?”
Rescuer: “When would you like me to start?
Enabler: “You’re right. I should have done it your way.”
TRP: “How can you present it so that others will want to do it your way?”

81. Role Play: Rescuing & Enabling
Instructions for Children:
Do whatever is needed to get the money: whine, pout, make them feel guilty for divorcing your other parent.
Tell them you won’t get into college.
Tell them you’ll move in with the other parent or the 30 yr. old guy/gal who will pay your fees.
Threaten to run away or harm yourself or sell drugs.

82. The Gift of Feedback

83. Feedback Feedback is information that we use to make corrections.
Photo licensed by Creative Commons. Boeing Dreamliner.

84. Feedback is also…
The fuel that empowers us to change old habits and evolve.
Essential for learning and growing.
A valuable gift.
Avoidance or rejection of feedback fosters failure in any endeavor.

85. Feedback Examples A performance review— either good or bad.
Our emotional reaction to that performance review.
The feeling of sluggishness and tiredness after eating too much…
Our reaction when the message of feedback seems incorrect.

86. Giving Feedback The best gift comes from our values.
We give feedback based on the fact that:
We care
We’re responsible
We respect their potential

87. Giving Feedback We often don’t give feedback due to:
Our need to be liked
Our fear of offending others
Our own emotions

88. Left Field
Photo licensed by Creative Commons.

89. Common Reactions Defensiveness/justification Denial
Attacking the messenger
Explaining or rationalizing
Criticizing the manner of delivery

90. Always look for…
Photo licensed by Creative Commons.

91. How can we receive feedback?
Feedback is criticism
Feedback is a gift
Victim Mentality
TRP

92. Criteria for Presentation
Eye contact
Voice
Body language
Passion, enthusiasm
Content, facts, examples, benefits
Organization, clarity
Time constraint: 45 seconds
Overall persuasiveness

93. The Importance of Purpose
Keeping our eye on the prize.

94. Eleanor Roosevelt
“It is useless to resent anything in this world; one must learn to look on whatever happens as part of one’s education in life and make it serve a good purpose in the formation of character.”

95. Jackie Robinson

96. Legendary Meeting
Robinson: “Mr. Rickey, do you want a ball player who is afraid to fight back?”
Rickey: “I want a player with guts enough NOT to fight back.”

98. Playing the Game

99. Purpose What matters more to you?
When the little things happen to me …it really doesn’t matter.
What matters more to you?

100. What am I taking away?

101. “If” by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

102. “If” by Rudyard Kipling
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

103. “If” by Rudyard Kipling
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

104. “If” by Rudyard Kipling
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!