1. Courageous Dialogue: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High Tom Esch, President Esch Consulting, LLC IIA Miami Sept 14th, 2018

2. Courageous Drawing

3. Courage

5. 3 Tools
Proper Framing
Voice Quality
Awareness of Triggers

6. Proper Framing What you say before you say it
Framing is an embodied exp

7. Framing and Rank
Those with high rank at times miss the need for framing…
Rank? Why?

8. What is rank? “sum of a person’s privileges” Dr. Arnold Mindell
...or unconscious advantages
Both positional and psychological
Is morally neutral

9. My former job

10. Rank feels good. We want more of it.

11. Rank is what lets us climb the ladder of power

12. Three Types of Rank
Social
Positional
Psychological

13. Largely conferred by the society
Social Rank
Largely conferred by the society
(race, gender, education, etc)

14. Usually determined by the immediate cultural/professional context.
Positional Rank
Usually determined by the immediate
cultural/professional context.
(job title, personal connections, etc)

15. Psychological Rank
Is developed internally and/or by virtue of personality.
(ability to stay centered and/or ruffle feathers)

16. Celebrate Your Rank!

17. Rank can be a superpower!

18. Rank can be dangerous
We can become numb to feelings and needs— even your own. And we can lose perspective…

19. Former NY Times Editor
Jill Abramson

20. “Sure losing a job you love hurts…what’s next
“Sure losing a job you love hurts…what’s next? I don’t know…I’m in exactly the same boat as many of you.”
Jill Abramson

21. Exactly the same boat…

22. Rank can change.

23. Signs of High Rank Interrupting the other Taking up lots of air time
Feeling important
Ignoring requests
Saying “no” easily
Being unbothered by emotions

24. Where do you, as an auditor have high rank?

26. Signs of Low Rank Feeling uncomfortable or afraid Getting interrupted
Feeling ignored
Poor health
Struggling to say “no”
Avoiding conflict

27. Where do you, as an auditor have low rank?

28. Sometimes we can tell who has higher rank…

29. ….sometimes we can’t

30. Body Language

31. Sometimes those with high rank look tough.

32. Sometimes those with low rank look tough.

33. “The more rank a person has the less aware of it they tend to be.”
Oxymoronic
“The more rank a person has the less aware of it they tend to be.”
Dr. Arnold Mindell

34. US Marines After Action Report What happened? What did we learn?
What would we do differently next time?
4th Q is………?

35. US Marines
How did I feel?

36. Pay Attention to Feelings
And you will have better results in your audits.

37. A positive use of rank
“The Leak
in the Board room.”
Fortune 100 CEO

38. 2. Voice Quality
What are the most important variables which carry the message you are sending?

39. Can you have “voice” in an email?
2. Voice Quality
Can you have “voice” in an ?
Tone and non-verbals carry
EMOTION

40. Emoticons

41. 2. Voice Quality Slower-pace, deeper = confidence
Authoritative yet relaxed is calming
Full voice, more than deep voice…
Relax to release tension—breathing and sighing

42. Voice Quality
1. Too soft
2. Too loud
3. Too fast

43. Voice Quality
….when triggered 4. Open that unexpected bill

44. Voice Quality
5. With more resonance
6. Pay attention to heartbeat

45. Put your card or name and email in the basket.
PRIZES
Put your card or name and in the basket.

46. 3. Triggers

47. Triggers and Tigers

48. Brain Science 101
Parts of our brain go dark …

49. Brain Science 101 Frontal Lobe- the Watchtower
The Limbic System- Emotional life/memories
Amygdala- the Smoke Detector

50. Brain Science 101 We are a social species Hard wired for connection
Threatened when disconnected
Survival!

51. Brain Science 101
Greeting Demonstration

52. Survival
Scans: 20X a second

53. …a moment…

54. The “BrokenToe”

55. Broken Toe Triggers Who/What do they remind you of?
What old hurt might get recreated?
What can you do to prevent this?

56. Triggers & Forgiveness
Return on Character Dr. Fred Kiel 4 keystone character habits

57. Return on Character
4 keystone character habits: 1. Integrity 2. Responsibility 3. Compassion

58. Return on Character 4. Forgiveness
“Letting go of one’s mistakes—and those of others; focusing on what’s right versus what’s wrong.” Dr. Fred Kiel

59. Review
Proper Framing-rank
Voice quality
Awareness of triggers

60. Final story
Dr. Arnold Mindell

61. Thank you! Comments & Questions
For more info go to