2. Aims
Consider the importance of parent child communication and how this changes in adolescence.
Explore some of the research in the area of adolescent-parent communication.
Opportunity to develop and practise communication skills.
Q&A - Teenagers

3. How do we connect? Discuss in small groups:
In what ways has communication changed from when your child was younger to adolescence?
(e.g. who initiates conversations, when do they happen and how do they feel?)

4. Business Talk

5. Styles of communicating
One Way
Two Way
Business Talk
Communication where one person has a desired outcome.
Fairly one way and task orientated.
Social Talk
Conversation for its own sake.
Supports positive social relationships and involves two way, shared communication over a range of topics and interests.
No Talk
Both parties are present but not communicating verbally.
Conflict
Disagreement and argument.
Two way but differing opinions, interests, needs or values.

6. Social Talk
Discuss in small groups: When are good times and not so good times for social talk?

7. Opportunities for Social Talk
Not asking questions the minute they walk through the door
During journeys
During family meals
Whenever your teenager starts a conversation (may be late at night)
Create opportunities by arranging some time together or asking them to help with a task.
Quick discussion
Look for signals that young people want to talk

8. Communicating with teenagers

9. Definition of conflict
Conflict can arise whenever there are disagreements over:
views
values or actions
interests or needs not being met.
Conflict can also be an opportunity for change.

10. Conflict Discuss in small groups:
What causes conflicts between parents and teenagers?
How can such conflicts benefit the teenager?
Exercise to think about triggers/ responses

11. Why conflict can be good!
Conflict plays a useful role in managing family relationships and expectations and developing skills by:
Increasing the understanding of where a young person’s and parental boundaries lie.
Providing opportunities for negotiation and agreement of rules and boundaries.
Parents role modelling conflict management and resolution.
Enhancing development of social, emotional and thinking skills
Secure attachments do not mean that there is no conflict. In fact conflict within secure parent-teenage attachment relationships is normal and research highlights that conflict with parents and peers does rise during adolescence.
Although confrontation is unpleasant at the time and can leave particularly parents feeling anxious and guilty, done within the context of a secure attachment it can support:
Increased understanding of young person’s and parental perceptions of where boundaries lie.
Negotiation and agreement of rules and boundaries.(research on teens feeling cared for and safe and less likely to lie)
Parent’s role model conflict management and resolution.( research on arguments between peers having increased opportunity for mitgiation)
Enhanced emotional skills (research about conflict between mothers and daughters and importnace of response of mother to emotional signals of the young person)

12. Conflict – an example Kerry and Sam

13. Where to go for help Pastoral teacher (teens)
Kidsinthehouse.com (videos also on Youtube)
The Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution
Online guidance
Mediation

14. ‘No’ Talk: The language of strop! [Casey 2010]
Stomping around
Slamming doors
Muttering under breath
Being sullen and quiet
Potential ways a teenager may communicate that they want your time and attention!
Discuss: How do you deal with the strop??
Take a detective rather than policeman approach: try to consider what feelings might be underlying the behaviour. Resist the urge to respond to the immediate behaviour or mimic the emotion. Research suggests this leads to increased conflict
Name of the feeling: using I wonder if.... Or ‘You seem very.....It must be quite difficult for you. This way you are not telling them how they feel but (whihc may antagonise them further) rather giving them a means too reflect on their feelings.
Try not to react or make a judgement
Let them know you are available to listen (not talk!)–they may need time to calm down and not be ready to talk just yet. Look out for changes in their behaviour ie from stroppy to morose which indicate they are ready to ask. Remember teenagers may find it hard to ask directly for help and support.
Find somewhere comfortable and private and give you full attention. If you are thinking of other things they will pick up on that. If you really don’t have the time at that point explain why and agree a time when you can have a chat (and don’t forget about it as many teenagers will be easily discouraged from trying again.
Listen, reflect back or echo, and ask open questions when appropriate : Be c\reful not to interupt but look for natural pauses in the conversation to reflect back what you have heard and ask open questions which will help them open up more
Trust your intuition

15. Dealing with the language of strop
Stay calm and breathe – take a moment
Let them know you have noticed they are upset and that you are available to listen
Take a detective rather than a policeman approach
Look for a change in the behaviour
Approach, ask and actively listen
Address the behaviour.
Take a detective rather than policeman approach: try to consider what feelings might be underlying the behaviour. Resist the urge to respond to the immediate behaviour or mimic the emotion. Research suggests this leads to increased conflict
Name of the feeling: using I wonder if.... Or ‘You seem very.....It must be quite difficult for you. This way you are not telling them how they feel but (whihc may antagonise them further) rather giving them a means too reflect on their feelings.
Try not to react or make a judgement
Let them know you are available to listen (not talk!)–they may need time to calm down and not be ready to talk just yet. Look out for changes in their behaviour ie from stroppy to morose which indicate they are ready to ask. Remember teenagers may find it hard to ask directly for help and support.
Find somewhere comfortable and private and give you full attention. If you are thinking of other things they will pick up on that. If you really don’t have the time at that point explain why and agree a time when you can have a chat (and don’t forget about it as many teenagers will be easily discouraged from trying again.
Listen, reflect back or echo, and ask open questions when appropriate : Be c\reful not to interupt but look for natural pauses in the conversation to reflect back what you have heard and ask open questions which will help them open up more
Trust your intuition

16. Dealing with strops

17. Activity: Active Listening
Think of a memory from when your teenager was a child (one you are happy to share).
In pairs:
share this memory for two minutes
your partner is to listen, but say nothing!
after two minutes, the listener reflects back what he/she heard.

18. Helpful techniques for active listening
Reflecting back or paraphrasing
Naming and validating their feelings
Using open questions
Allowing for pauses
Taking time!

19. Try to avoid Denying the feeling Moralising Giving advice
Solving the problem.
Reproduced from Casey (2010) with kind permission

20. And finally...
“You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going.”
Unknown

21. Teenage Q&A

22. Next WEEK

23. Any questions or comments please email: