1. Obstacles and Attitudes
Brent Crook
Professional Research Consultants

2. OVERVIEW OF THE PRESENTATION
Personal Responsibility for Our Emotions and Attitudes (Things that “get to us” or that we “take personally”)
- At home
- At work
Teamwork and Cooperation
The Importance of “Purpose”

3. THE OBJECTIVES: ELIMINATE ANY “VICTIM MENTALITY” IN OURSELVES.
(victim v. victim mentality)
BECOME AN EVEN MORE “TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE PERSON.” (TRP)
REDUCE THE VICTIM MENTALITY IN OTHERS.

4. WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT?
EQ OR IQ?

5. Common Victim Statements
Look what you made me do. It’s not my fault. That’s not fair. I’m sick and tired of… I don’t appreciate that. I don’t have enough time. I can’t help it. That’s just the way I am. I’ve done everything I possibly can. Nothing I do makes any difference. I was just minding my own business when… I’m always so busy I never have time for myself. We always have to do whatever you want to do. I’ve told you a thousand times I don’t like that. And after all I have done for him/her. I’m just not going to put up with that anymore. My kids don’t appreciate all I’ve done for them. It’s because of you that I have this headache. If it weren’t for me… I don’t ask much from you. Whey can’t you do this for me? You make me so mad. The schools are ruining my kids. I can’t help it. Why don’t you…? If you can’t do your part, I’m not going to do mine! You screwed me all up. My life will never be the same. Ain’t it awful? What did I do to deserve this? They showed me no respect. My job is driving me crazy. You have no idea what I do all day. It’s too late now. The damage is done.
They don’t really want me around. I just get in the way. You’re not pulling your own weight. Things always go wrong for me. This always happens to me. It is so hard for me. Why me? Why does this always happen to me? I can’t really trust others. I’m overwhelmed. I had bad parenting. I’ll change when they change. Nobody loves me. I can’t believe you did that. You’ll be sorry. If you only know what I’ve been through. You must be trippin’ I can’t. People just don’t care anymore. They will take advantage of you. I want to make sure they won’t do this to someone else. It’s the system. You can’t win for losing. If you want me to treat you nice, then treat me nice. You don’t know what I’ve been through. I’ll just go off by myself and do my own thing. Anyone in my situation would be as mad as I am. My life will never be the same. Nobody works as hard as I do. I just can’t live like this anymore. Some people have all the luck. Can you believe what she did to me?

6. Stay Positive, Productive and Effective
No matter what the circumstances!!

7. THE VICTIM
If things are going wrong, or badly, or not to my liking, then someone is to blame. It is necessary to identify the person(s), circumstance(s), or source(s) of why things are not as I think they should be. Blame must be determined and accepted by the wrongdoer, and things must be made right. I am justified in being emotionally upset. Neither growth nor learning result from the bad things that happen to me. 9

8. THE TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE PERSON (TRP)
I completely and wholly accept that everything that has ever happened to me, that is presently happening to me, and that will happen to me in the future provide me with opportunities for learning and growth; and that no one else can be rightly blamed for any negativity, hurts, or abuses which my emotional nature experiences. I shall seek no exceptions to this belief, even when the apparent cause is not of my making.

9. Stimulus
Reaction

10. STIMULUS CHOICE RESPONSE

11. Can we actually “get off of it” when we are in the middle of it?

12. AWARENESS A L O W S
STIMULUS CHOICE RESPONSE

13. AWARENESS OF OUR VICTIM MENTALITY
3 COMPONENTS:
Thoughts and statements
Emotions
Behaviors
-Body postures
-Facial expressions
-Tone of voice
-Strategies

14. The “Victim Mentality” is Pervasive in Society
News Media
Bad thing happens: Who is to blame?
“What you don’t know about the hidden dangers of _______ can make you sick/poor/dead/ugly/unhappy.”

16. ADVERTISEMENTS
“At last, an HMO that cares for you.” “Take our cruise and ‘get away from it all.’ ”

17. SONGS Heartbreak Hotel Born to Lose Best of Intentions
I Wanna Talk About Me
I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
You Don’t Even Call Me By My Name
Take This Job & Shove It
It’s My Party & I’ll Cry If I Want To
Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me
It’s Tough Being Small
Rainy Days & Mondays Always Get Me Down

18. 1 out of 3.23
Country Western Songs contain a reference to tears or crying.
Source: bookofodds.com

19. DEALING WITH OUR VICTIM:
Step back and
See the Humor

20. VICTIM STATEMENTS AND ATTITUDES
“Look what you made me do.” Letting things “get to me.” Taking things personally. Giving in to negative emotions.

21. VICTIM STATEMENTS AND ATTITUDES
He made me so angry. Sunshine makes me happy. Cloudy days make me sad.

22. Any thought, statement or action which indicates an
abdication of responsibility
for one's emotional state and behavior,
reveals victim. 17

23. EXAMPLES I wanted to be free.” Nelson Mandela
“I was at first, then I decided in my mind
I wanted to be free.”

24. EXAMPLES
Reginald Denny
“It’s got to stop somewhere.”

25. TRP-THE ELEMENTS
1. Everything that happens to me provides me with opportunities for learning and growth. 2. No one else can be blamed for any negativity my emotional nature experiences. 3. I shall seek no exceptions to this belief, even when I’m not at fault.

26. Fortune Magazine
"Difficulties and obstructions throw a man back upon himself. While the inferior man seeks to put the blame on other persons, bewailing his fate, the superior man seeks the error within himself, and through this introspection the external obstacle becomes for him an occasion for inner enrichment and education." I Ching

27. The essence of becoming a Totally Responsible Person
is to transfer to our minds
the control
which our emotions have over
our words, thoughts and deeds.

28. HOW DO WE DO IT? “as if time stood still” RESPONSE MOMENT OF CHOICE
POSITIVE
MOMENT OF
CHOICE
AWARENESS
DEVELOPS
NEGATIVE
REACTION
STIMULUS

29. The Quality of Our Choices
Choice is power, and when confronted with adversity we can choose to see the positive alternatives and rise from the ashes to become even better than we were before - OR we can choose to sit and relish on our pitiful circumstances for the rest of our lives.

30. THE VICTIM-TRP SCALE: WHERE ARE WE?

31. TRP VICTIM H O M E W O R K NA 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 SPOUSE X CHILD X
FRIENDS X
IN-LAWS X
PARENTS X X W O R K
BOSS X
COWORKER
COWORKER X X
CLIENT NA
TRP
VICTIM

32. What Drives Me Nuts?

33. “Group” Victim Teachers vs. Students Managers vs. Front line Employees
Smokers vs. Nonsmokers
Department “A” vs. Department “B”
Men vs. Women
Rural residents vs. Urban residents
Administrators vs. Technical staff

34. “Group” Victim Political party “A” vs. Party “B”
Wealthy vs. Middle Class vs. Poor
Attorneys vs. Physicians
Ethnic groups “A” vs. “B” vs. “C”
Parents vs. Children
Central Office vs. Branch Offices

35. ENCOURAGING VICTIM
Certain behaviors, often unintentional, encourage victim behaviors in others.

36. RESCUING
Taking care of others so that they do not have to be responsible for their behavior and emotional state.

37. ENABLING
Encouraging others by letting them know their victim behavior and negative emotional state is justified and acceptable.

38. to carry on an extended, meaningful
It is impossible for a
TRP and a victim
to carry on an extended, meaningful
conversation. 32

39. RESCUER/ENABLER RESPONSES
I feel your pain. You shouldn’t have to put up with that. You deserve better. Ain’t it awful. That’s terrible. You’re doing the best you can. What more can they expect?

40. TALK SHOW ENABLERS
Tell me more about what happened. How did you feel about what happened? And then what happened? How does this now affect your life?

41. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“This food is not good at all.”
(Fix It)
(Sympathy)
(Think, Problem Solve)

42. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“This food is not good at all.”
“Want me to run out and get you pizza?”
“You have every right to be upset. I wouldn’t eat it either.”
“For your safety, a dietician has our food service department prepare what is best for you.”

43. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“My daughter keeps leaving. She was only here two hours today!”

44. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“My daughter keeps leaving. She was only here two hours today!”
“I’ll speak to her about it.”
“Let me sit down and you can tell me all about why’s she’s not a good daughter.”
“I know she cares a great deal about you and is staying as long as she can but you know that she has a family that needs her too.”

45. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“I’m not sure Dr. Smith is doing everything he can do to get me better.”

46. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“I’m not sure Dr. Smith is doing everything he
can do to get me better.”
“I will go to administration and see if we can get you a different doctor.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Dr. Smith is not only one of the best on our staff, he’s recognized nationally as a specialist in his field.”

47. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“This parking is a joke.”

48. Victim: Rescuer: Enabler: TRP:
“This parking is a joke.”
“Want my spot?”
“I know. Even employees have to walk a long ways.”
This may help. There’s a big rush right before you arrive at 5pm, if you come in 30 minutes earlier you can probably park on a lower level.”

49. DEVELOPING AWARENESS
When we rescue and enable others, we allow our personal desires, agendas, habits and fears to become more important than helping them experience everything that happens to them as opportunities for learning and growth. We prevent them from learning to be accountable and responsible, thus helping them avoid the consequences of their actions. This prevents the growth that comes form overcoming obstacles. This, rescuing and enabling - often done from good intentions - is, paradoxically, a selfish activity.

50. DEVELOPING AWARENESS
Who have I been rescuing and enabling and how have I done it? How have I been shielding others from experiencing the consequences of their own behavior?

51. Phil Jackson
Interviewer: If an opponent pushes you so hard, you have no choice but to retaliate? Jackson: But you do have a choice, is the thing.

52. Phil Jackson, Chicago Bulls Coach
“The Pistons didn't know how to respond. We completely disarmed them by not striking back. At that moment, our players became true champions.”

53. THE OBJECTIVES: ELIMINATE ANY “VICTIM MENTALITY” IN OURSELVES.
(victim v. victim mentality)
BECOME AN EVEN MORE “TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE PERSON.” (TRP)
REDUCE THE VICTIM MENTALITY IN OTHERS.

54. Professional Research Consultants, Inc.
Thank You!
Professional Research Consultants, Inc.
Brent Crook, Organizational Development Consultant
11326 P Street, Omaha, NE 68137 |