1. Atypical Parenting Advice for Raising Atypical Children
How Parents Can Help Their Gifted Children Build Resilience and Healthy Self-Esteem
Rachel Bailey, M.A., CPDPE
Rachel-Bailey.com

2. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com
Introduction
Mom of 2
Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology,
Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator
Experience as ADHD Coach, Academic Coach, in-home mentor, psychotherapist
Clinical interest in resilience, self-esteem
“Expert” at motivating better behavior and performance
Real, imperfect parent providing tips for how to make this work in real life
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3. What Are Resilience and Self-Esteem?
Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again
Self Esteem: “I can handle anything” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect”
Resilience   Self Esteem
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4. Traditional Strategies
Rewards / Consequences / Punishment
Encouragement / Praise
Consistency
Patience
Let them face difficult things
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5. Traditional Strategies
Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior
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6. Traditional Strategies
Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior
Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it
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7. Traditional Strategies
Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior
Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it
Consistency ...is difficult when you’re beyond exhausted
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8. Traditional Strategies
Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior
Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it
Consistency ...is difficult when you’re beyond exhausted
Patience …ends at a certain point, and it doesn’t seem to lead to resilience
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9. Traditional Strategies
Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior
Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it
Consistency ...is difficult when you’re beyond exhausted
Patience …ends at a certain point, and it doesn’t seem to lead to resilience
Letting them face difficult things… only increases their anxiety
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10. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com
Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools…
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11. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools…
For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck”
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12. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools…
For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck”
The Yuck Factor
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13. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools…
For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck”
The Yuck Factor
Yuck gets turned out, turned in, or numbed
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14. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools…
For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck”
The Yuck Factor
Yuck gets turned out, turned in, or numbed
So…
Rewards and punishments don’t work
Patience doesn’t help
Letting them fail only makes things worse
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15. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools…
For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck”
The Yuck Factor
Yuck gets turned out, turned in, or numbed
So…
Rewards and punishments don’t work
Patience doesn’t help
Letting them fail only makes things worse
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16. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com
Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck
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17. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck
Yuck happens when biological or emotional needs are not met
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18. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck
Yuck happens when biological or emotional needs are not met
Biological Needs
Sleep
Food
Match between environment and temperament
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19. Why These Don’t Work
These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck
Yuck happens when biological or emotional needs are not met
Biological Needs
Sleep
Food
Match between environment and temperament
Emotional Needs
Connection
Significance
Capability
Control
Security
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20. The (Atypical) Solution: Deposits
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21. Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided
Withdrawals are going to happen
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22. Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided
Withdrawals are going to happen
Focus on making deposits
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23. Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided
Withdrawals are going to happen
Focus on making deposits
Into Toolboxes
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24. Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided
Withdrawals are going to happen
Focus on making deposits
Into Toolboxes
Into Emotional Needs
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25. Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation
Deposits into Tools
Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation
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26. Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation
Deposits into Tools
Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation
Emotional Regulation is about regulating our “Yuck” so we can PAUSE before reacting
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27. Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation
Deposits into Tools
Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation
Emotional Regulation is about regulating our “Yuck” so we can PAUSE before reacting
What you can do to help with the PAUSE
Model emotional regulation
Give proof of safety
Don’t over- or under-identify; observe
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28. Deposits into Emotional Needs
The 5 Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen
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29. Deposits into Emotional Needs
The 5 Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say
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30. Deposits into Emotional Needs
The 5 Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say
CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences
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31. Deposits into Emotional Needs
The 5 Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say
CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences
CAPABILITY: “And what do you need?”
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32. Deposits into Emotional Needs
The 5 Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say
CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences
CAPABILITY: “And what do you need?”
SECURITY: Demonstrate that you’re on the same team
without doing everything for them
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33. Deposits into Emotional Needs
The 5 Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say
CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences
CAPABILITY: “And what do you need?”
SECURITY: Demonstrate that you’re on the same team
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34. Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it
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35. Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting
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36. Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting
CONTROL: Make proactive plans
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37. Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting
CONTROL: Make proactive plans
CAPABILITY: Gather information (but also trust your instinct)
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38. Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs
CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting
CONTROL: Make proactive plans
CAPABILITY: Gather information (but also trust your instinct)
SECURITY: Hear others’ stories
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39. How This Leads to Improved Self-Esteem and Resilience
Example: Your child was not invited to an event… again.
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40. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com
Self-Esteem
Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect”
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41. Self-Esteem
Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect”
Self-Esteem
If they have experienced deposits into their need for connection,
those “withdrawals” don’t have as much of an impact on self-esteem.
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42. Self-Esteem
Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect”
Self-Esteem
If they have experienced deposits into their need for connection,
those “withdrawals” don’t have as much of an impact on self-esteem.
…Especially if they also have deposits into significance,
capability, control, and security.
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43. Self-Esteem
Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect”
Self-Esteem
If they have experienced deposits into their need for connection,
those “withdrawals” don’t have as much of an impact on self-esteem.
…Especially if they also have deposits into significance,
capability, control, and security.
They can still believe:
“I can handle difficult situations” and
“I am worthy of unconditional love and respect”
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44. Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again
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45. Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again
Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult.
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46. Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again
Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult.
But once we’ve taught tools for emotional regulation,
they can learn how to feel the discomfort…
and rise again.
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47. Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again
Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult.
But once we’ve taught tools for emotional regulation,
they can learn how to feel the discomfort…
and rise again.
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48. Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again
Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult.
But once we’ve taught tools for emotional regulation,
they can learn how to feel the discomfort…
and rise again.
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49. Consider which emotional needs in your child are low.
TAKE ACTION
Consider how you can teach emotional regulation, or healthy ways to deal with Yuck.
How can you model emotional regulation?
How can you make your child feel safe when they’re in Yuck?
Consider which emotional needs in your child are low.
What deposits can you make (that fit within your lifestyle)?
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50. Questions? (Please fill out comments sheet)
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