1. Managing Interpersonal Conflicts
Chapter Summary
The Nature of Conflict
Conflict Styles
Conflict in Relational Systems
Constructive Conflict Skills
Constructive Conflict: Questions and Answers

2. The Nature of Conflict Conflict Defined
All interpersonal conflicts share certain characteristics:
Expressed Struggle
Perceived Incompatible Goals
Perceived Scarce Resources
Interdependence
Interference from the Other Party

3. The Nature of Conflict Conflict is Natural
Every relationship of any depth has conflict.
College students report that they take part in about seven arguments a week.
You can always change the way you deal with conflict.

4. Conflict Can Be Beneficial
The Nature of Conflict
Conflict Can Be Beneficial
You cannot avoid conflict.
You can handle conflicts differently.
Many satisfied couples think and communicate differently when they disagree.

5. Conflict Styles Four Types Avoiding (Lose-Lose)
Accommodating (Lose-Win)
Competing (Win-Lose)
Compromise (Lose-Lose)
FIGURE 11.1
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6. Conflict Styles Avoiding (Lose-Lose)
Avoiding occurs when people ignore a problem.
Avoidance displays a pessimistic view conflict management.
Avoiding may keep peace temporarily, but it doesn’t lead to satisfying relationships.

7. Accommodating (Lose-Win)
Conflict Styles
Accommodating (Lose-Win)
When you allow others to have their way rather than asserting your point of view
“Taking one for the team” is different than a lifetime accommodator.

8. Conflict Styles Competing (Win-Lose) Clear-cut winner and loser
I get what I want or you get what you want.
Passive Aggression
Expressing hostility in obscure or manipulative ways
Direct Aggression
Criticism that threatens the face of a person

9. Compromise (Partial Lose-Lose)
Conflict Styles
Compromise (Partial Lose-Lose)
Both parties get some of what they want.
Much like meeting halfway
Although it seems like the most effective sort of conflict management, it is not.
How happy would you be with only half of what you needed?

10. Collaborating (Win-Win)
Conflict Styles
Collaborating (Win-Win)
Collaborators show a high degree of concern for themselves and others.
The goal of collaboration is to find a solution that meets the needs of everyone involved:
Requires competent communicators
Win-Win solutions change depending on the parties involved.

11. Conflict Styles Which Style to Use
When facing a conflict consider the following:
The Relationship
When some has more power than you, accommodation might work.
The Situation
Different situations call for different conflict styles.
The Other Person
Sometimes the other person isn’t willing to collaborate.
Your Goals
Sometime your concern will calm a situation down.

12. Conflict in Relational Systems
Styles
Complementary Style
The parties use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors.
Symmetrical Style
Both parties use the same behaviors.
Parallel Style
Both partners shift between complementary and symmetrical styles.

13. Conflict in Relational Systems
Intimate and Aggressive Styles
Nonintimate-Aggressive
The parties fight but are unsuccessful at resolution.
Nonintimate-Nonaggressive
The parties avoid conflict and each other.
Intimate-Aggressive
Upsetting to outsiders but works within the relationship
Intimate-Nonaggressive
Low amount of attacking or blaming

14. Variables in Conflict Style
Gender
Men and women approach conflicts differently.
Adolescent boys tend to use direct aggression.
Adolescent girls tend to use indirect aggression.
Gender conflict style is stereotyped and not always the same.

15. Variables in Conflict Style
Culture
The way we handle conflict depends on cultural background.
Individualist cultures value the opinion of the person.
Collectivist cultures tend to focus on the groups needs.
Culture is an influence on conflict style - not the cause.

16. Constructive Conflict Skills
Identify Your Problem and Needs
Before you speak out, find out what is important.
Realizing a problem is yours makes a big difference.
Sometimes the task of identifying your needs is not as easy as you thought. It’s better to complete this step on your own.

17. Constructive Conflict Skills
Make a Date
Decide when would be the best time to discuss your problems.
Allow both parties time to prepare so neither feels ambushed.
If you cannot set a date, ask probing questions:
“Something's been bothering me. Can we talk about it?”

18. Constructive Conflict Skills
Describe Your Problem and Needs
Once a problem has been stated and described, it’s important to make sure your partner has understood.
You cannot expect your partner to paraphrase all of your thoughts, so allow the discussion to flow freely.
Be sure your partner understands the whole message before proceeding.

19. Constructive Conflict Skills
Your Partners Point of View
Consider your partner’s point of view.
Once you’ve made your position clear, make sure you understand your partner’s position.
Your partner has just as much right to feel satisfied as you.
Asking isn’t enough; remember to listen.

20. Constructive Conflict Skills
Negotiate a Solution
Identify and define the conflict.
Generate a number of possible solutions.
Evaluate the alternative solutions.
Decide on the best solution.

21. Constructive Conflict Skills
Follow Up the Solution
Try the solution first.
If the solution doesn’t work, go back the last step that did.
Remember how you arrived at this solution.
Follow each step in order.
Sometimes Win-Win solutions are not possible.
Be realistic about conflict resolution.

22. Constructive Conflicts: Questions and Answers
Isn’t the Win-Win approach too good to be true?
Not only is it a good idea, it actually works.
Research shows it produces better results than the Win-Lose.
Isn’t the Win-Win approach too elaborate?
Sometimes the approach is not as effective as others.
If the process seems time consuming, consider the alternative.

23. Constructive Conflicts: Questions and Answers
Isn’t the Win-Win approach too rational?
If you’re too angry to attempt the Win-Win approach, you may need to take some time to cool down before the process will be successful.
If you cannot control your emotions, let your partner know that what you’re about to say does not need a response.
Is it possible to change others?
You will not always be able to convince others to try this method.
The key lies in showing that it’s in your partner’s best interest.