1. Chapter 5 The Process of Revision
There are videos embedded in the PowerPoint slides that are available at

2. Revising Your Writing
Words
Sentences
Paragraphs
Tone

3. Principles of Style Words Sentences Paragraphs Tone Write clearly.
Write concisely.
Sentences
Use a variety of sentence types.
Use active and passive voice appropriately.
Use parallel structure.
Paragraphs
Keep paragraphs unified and coherent.
Control paragraph length.
Tone
Write confidently.
Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Use emphasis and subordination.
Use positive language and the “you” attitude.

4. Revising Your Writing
Words
Sentences
Paragraphs
Tone

5. Write Clearly Be accurate and complete Use familiar words
Use specific, concrete language
Avoid dangling expressions
Avoid clichés, slang, unnecessary jargon

6. What Is a Simpler Way to Say This?
NOT: The impending study will ascertain the feasibility of our obtaining conciliation.
BUT:
NOT: Deciding on an internship with a particular conglomerate may be of immense consequence to your potential livelihood.
BUT:

7. What Words Are Simpler? Long Short modification endeavor substantial
enumerate
termination
initiate
utilization

8. Arrange These Terms from Most to Least Specific
western seaport
seaport
place
San Diego
Pier 45
sport
jump ball
activity
basket-ball
team sport
ignition failure
situation
problem
engine trouble
car problem
country
neigh-borhood
street
state
city

9. What Is a More Specific Way to Say This?
NOT: The report is very sloppy.
BUT:
NOT: You never finish work on time.
BUT:

10. Concrete Language at a Deli

11. Which of these helps you grasp the number?
Which is best to use for what purpose and audience?
What Is $700 Billion?
It could pay for 2,000 McDonald’s apple pies for every single American.
It is nine times the amount spent on education in 2007.
It is $120 billion more than that spent on Social Security benefits.
It is 35 times the amount spent on all foreign aid in most years.
It is more zeros than the calculator that comes with my computer allows.
It is 7,000 times bigger than the Sierra Club’s yearly budget.
According to some estimates, it is three times what it would cost, over 10 years, to reduce oil dependency by 20%.
It is over twice the amount of all money given to all charitable organizations in the United States in any given year.
It is more than $100 for every person in the world.
Source: Zephyr Teachout

12. Avoid Dangling Expressions
Make the subject of the sentence the doer of the action expressed in the introductory clause.
Move the expression closer to the word that it modifies.
Make sure that the specific word to which a pronoun refers is clear.
Otherwise revise the sentence for coherence.

13. Fun with Dangling Expressions
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
I had been driving for about 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors.

14. How Can You Fix These Modifier Problems?
BUT:
NOT: After an hour of sitting, the chairs become uncomfortable.
BUT:
NOT: Distracted by the music, a rabbit ran in front of the car, and I hit it.
Add funny examples

15. How Can You Clarify These Pronoun References?
Bananas seem to have the highest turnover. But the staff is not able to keep up. Most of the time they run out.
Although the owners and partners have changed, they continue to expand.

16. What Is More Natural, Original Language?
BUT:
NOT: It is with great enthusiasm that I am responding to your job advertisement.
NOT: Enclosed please find the proposal for the schedule for the training session.
BUT:

17. What Do These Slang Expressions Mean?
Win-win situation
Synergies
Low-hanging fruit
By COB tomorrow
Paradigm shift
Best practices
At the end of the day

18. Link to the full story on the blog.
Executive's Memo Filled with "Buzzy Techno Jargon"
A memo intended to explain future plans left people confused.  Employees at publication company Condé Nast criticized the memo: “We all read it and have no idea what he was talking about. It’s the kind of communication where there are no verbs and every other word is some kind of buzzy techno jargon." 
Click to go to the story and memo on the blog The message is also under Company Samples for Chapter 5.
You may select more recent stories on the blog for Chapter 5.

19. Write Concisely Avoid redundancy and wordy expressions
Avoid hidden verbs and subjects

20. How Can You Eliminate the Redundancies?
BUT:
NOT: The end result will be that we are completely unanimous.
BUT:
NOT: Each and every one of us is exactly the same.

21. How Can You Eliminate Wordiness?
BUT:
NOT: The tiles on the floor will reflect the lighting on the ceiling.
BUT:
NOT: Our benefits for employees are at the top of the list for companies in our competitive set.

22. How Can You Reveal the Hidden Verbs?
BUT:
NOT: A reduction in the price is essential.
BUT:
NOT: I have made a decision that the product faces elimination.

23. Which Is the Best Choice for What Audience and Purpose?
To increase the number of candidates, it is recommended that Alta use an online recruiting system.
Clunky expletive
To increase the number of candidates, I/we recommend that Alta use an online recruiting system.
“I/We” as subject
Using an online recruiting system will increase Alta’s number of candidates.
Phrase as subject
To increase the number of candidates, Alta should/can use an online recruiting system.
“Alta” as subject
More candidates will apply to Alta if we use an online recruiting system.
“Candidates” as subject

24. Revising Your Writing
Words
Sentences
Paragraphs
Tone

25. Writing Effective Sentences
Use a variety of sentence types.
Use active and passive voice appropriately.
Use parallel structure.

26. Identify These Sentence Types
Complex
Please remember to turn out the lights when you leave.
Warren started working here in April, and he has already finished his first major proposal.
I don’t know why he doesn’t remember any of the new employees’ names or where they work.
After you left on Friday, we decided to move the deadline.
Simple:
One independent clause
Compound:
Two or more independent clauses
Complex:
One independent clause and one or more dependent clauses
Compound
Simple
Complex

27. How Can You Make These Active Voice?
Past Tense
ACTIVE:
PASSIVE: Too many lobsters have been ordered by the chef.
Future Tense
ACTIVE:
PASSIVE: Our quarterly sales numbers will be confirmed by the auditors.

28. How Can You Improve Parallel Structure?
We used the following food criteria for our restaurant evaluation: taste, variety, and how it was presented.
Gwen will do the following:
Meet with Mark
After her meeting, give a presentation
She will follow up with Accounting

29. Parallel Structure
Before
After

30. Revising Your Writing
Words
Sentences
Paragraphs
Tone

31. Developing Logical Paragraphs
Paragraph Unity
Paragraph Length
Paragraph Coherence

32. Write a Unified, Coherent Paragraph
Read all of the sentences on the next slide, and delete the one that does not belong to the unified topic of the paragraph.
Rearrange the sentences in a logical order so that they flow appropriately.
Use transitions, repetition, and pronouns to "cement" this structure and make it seem natural.

33. Write a United, Coherent Paragraph (cont’d)
It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply.
Increased international shipping has made it a very real possibility, and the consequences of that would be close to catastrophic.
The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant.
Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease.
The witches' broom, a deadly white fungus that deforms the trees, was responsible for almost destroying Brazil's cocoa crop in the early 1990s.
Source: Adapted from:

34. Answer: The Sentences in Order
Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease.
Increased international shipping has made it a very real possibility, and the consequences of that would be close to catastrophic.
It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply.
The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant.

35. Revising Your Writing
Words
Sentences
Paragraphs
Tone

36. Conveying an Appropriate Tone
Write confidently
Use a courteous and sincere tone
Use appropriate emphasis and subordination
Use positive language
Stress the “you” attitude

37. How Can These Sound More/Less Confident?
BUT:
NOT: If you would like to set up an appointment, just ask.
BUT:
NOT: I know that you’ll like our new delivery schedule.

38. Link to the full story on the blog.
Steve Jobs' "Please Leave Us Alone"
Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple, was known for responding to s personally.  Although typically short, his responses were often unexpected and appreciated.  But a journalism student at Long Island University received a disappointing reply.  For a school project, she wanted to understand how iPads could be used in academic settings.  After leaving six unanswered voice mails for Apple's PR department, she ed Steve Jobs.  In a series of s, he explained why he couldn't answer her question personally, ending with, "Please leave us alone."
Click to go to the story on the blog or search for “Leave Us.”
The entire exchange is linked within the story and can be found under Company Samples for Chapter 5.
You may select more recent stories on the blog for Chapter 5.
Download the memo.

39. Revise for a “You” Attitude and Positive Language

40. Additional Video Suggestions

41. Common Craft Videos
How does Common Craft use graphics and simple, concrete language to explain complex topics?
For what other business topics could this approach be useful?
Common Craft uses simple language and graphics to illustrate complex topics. Many are found on their website at and on YouTube.

42. Ryan Uses Jargon in The Office
How many of these terms do you know?
What is the purpose of jargon?
What are the downsides of jargon?
Just for fun: Ryan on The Office.
This clip is under Videos for Chapter 5 on bizcominthenews.com