1. Week 11: Interpersonal Conflict and Conflict Management

2. Preliminaries to Interpersonal Conflict
Definition of interpersonal conflict
Occurs when people are interdependent
Mutually aware of incompatible goals
See each other as interfering with achieving goals

3. Preliminaries to Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)
Myths about interpersonal conflict
Conflict is best avoided. Time will make it go away.
Conflict is a sign of a troubled relationship
Conflict damages a relationship
Conflict is destructive because it reveals our bad sides
In conflict, there has to be a winner and a loser

4. Preliminaries to Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)
It’s not so much the conflict that creates problems as they way in which you approach and deal with the conflict.
Some approaches can hurt the relationship, others resolve difficulties and improve a relationship.

5. Preliminaries to Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)
Top interpersonal conflict issues for couples, in order:
Intimacy (physical and emotional)
Power issues (possessiveness, lack of equality)
Personal flaws (ex. Drinking/smoking, grooming, snoring)
Personal distance/space (frequent absence, heavy commitments)
Social (politics, parents, personal values)
Distrust (previous lovers, lying)

6. Preliminaries to Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)
Top interpersonal conflict issues for friends:
Shared living space or possessions
Violations of friendship rules
Sharing of activities
Disagreement about ideas

7. Principles of Interpersonal Conflict
Conflict is inevitable
Conflict can have negative and positive effects
Negative effects
Leads to bad feelings
You close yourself off
Increased costs, decreased rewards– conflicts lead to greater conflicts.

8. Principles of Interpersonal Conflict (cont.)
Negative and positive effects (cont.)
Positive effects
Resolves problems
Improves relationships
Demonstrates commitment to relationship
Conflict can focus on content and/or relationship issues
Relationship conflicts – equity and power
Relationship conflicts hide as content conflicts

9. Conflict Management Stages
Unproductive strategies:
Blaming (“It’s your fault– you’re so lazy!”)
Gunnysacking (storing up past offenses to unload later; ex. “All the times you arrived late to dinner.”)
Hitting below the belt (ex. Mentioning the inability to have children, b/c you know it will cause an emotional reaction)
Silencers (crying; feigning extreme emotionalism; screaming & pretending to lose control.)

10. Conflict Management Stages (cont.)
Define the conflict
Define both content and relationship issues
Define the problem in specific terms (“You’re acting cold” vs “I wish you would kiss me when I come home”)
Focus on the present; avoid gunnysacking
Empathize- understand it from the other person’s side
Avoid mind reading- ask questions.
Examine possible solutions- look for win-win solutions.

11. Conflict Management Stages (cont.)
Test the solution
Evaluate the solution
Fact hat (focuses on facts and figures)
Feeling hat ( How do you feel when…?)
Negative argument hat (devil’s advocate)
Positive benefit hat (what are the upsides?)
Creative new idea hat (what other possible solutions?)
Control of thinking hat (have we solved the problem?)

12. Conflict Management Stages (cont.)
Accept or reject the solution
Wrap it up
Learn from the process
Don’t let the conflict overtake your relationship
Increase cherishing behaviors

13. Conflict Management Strategies (cont.)
Verbal aggressiveness and argumentativeness strategies
Aggressiveness
Unproductive
Trying to win at the other’s expense
disconfirming
Argumentativeness
Should be cultivated
Argue your point of view

14. Conflict Management Strategies (cont.)
Argumentativeness strategies (cont.)
Cultivating argumentativeness
Be objective
Avoid attacking the other person
Reaffirm the other’s competence
Avoid interrupting
Stress equality
Express interest in the other’s viewpoint
Avoid being overly emotional
Allow the other to save face

15. DISCUSSION
Come up with a “Win-Win” solution to these conflicts. How would each side approach each other?
Blake and Alex recently adopted a young child. Blake thinks the child should be raised with strict rules; Alex favors an extremely permissive atmosphere.
Workers at a local accounting office want a 20 percent raise to bring them into line with the salaries of accountants at similar firms. The owner has repeatedly turned down their requests.
Logan owns an apartment building that must be painted every three years due to city codes. Logan has been operating the building at a loss; therefore, he hires inept painters and uses cheap paint. The tenants confront Logan, asking for better service.

16. DISCUSSION
Your own interpersonal conflicts often start out as content conflicts but quickly degenerate into relationship conflicts, and that’s when things get ugly. What types of things might you say or do to keep conflicts and their resolution focused on content and not on the relationship?
Your partner engages in verbal aggression whenever you have an argument. Regardless of what the conflict is about, you feel that your self-concept is attacked. What are some of the things you might say or do to stop these attacks? What channel(s) would you use?