1. Honoring our Self-Care Journeys
Fontbonne University
2018 Spring Symposium
Presented by Dr. Jamie Van Dycke

2. What meanings do these words have for you?
“Honoring”
“Self-Care”
“Journey”
Of course you can Google these words, but since this is a session just for you, I’m more interested in what these words mean to you – there are no right or wrong responses!

3. Here are some words that called out to me…
“Honoring” – recognizing something just as it exists from moment to moment
“Self-Care” – everything we do
“Journey” – the space in which we are always “efforting”/trying to meet our needs

4. I’m glad you’re here! Moment to moment mindfulness
If you are comfortable doing this, just close your eyes, or lower your eyes or your head a little, and just notice your breathing for a few moments. Be aware of how shallow or deep you may be breathing, notice how you are taking your air in, how you are meeting your most basic need for oxygen right now……just notice – there is no right or wrong way to just be in this moment.
Imagine that this space where you are sitting, is a space that is holding you right now, and that there is nothing you need to do right now in this moment other than just to be in this space. Just let the seat support the weight of your body, and let your feet rest on the floor.
And now notice your breathing again, and just take in again that this session, this morning, is just for you – you and no one else……sure, you may want to connect with someone about what you learn here today…..but in this moment, this moment right now, this moment is just for you…and now the next moment too.

5. And so begins….
Our “honoring” today… recognizing our journey -- just as it exists -- from moment to moment
And recognizing our efforting to meet our needs through self-care.

6. A quick-share on self-care
Jot down a quick “self-care” list for yourself – just put the first things that come to mind – then have a quick-share with two or three people sitting around you using these prompts:
When I think about self-care and my list, the words or phrases that comes to mind are: ______________________.
As I think more about my own self care, I notice that I’m thinking or feeling _______________________________.

7. A “self-care list” journey…
My older list
My newer approach
Find/make time for myself
Learning about self-compassion
Take better care of myself
Learning about my needs
Eat healthier
Appreciating my needs
Work on something from my “bucket list”
Learning to ask for help when I need it
Get more sleep
Learning how to say “no”
Work fewer hours
Learning how to hear a “no”

8. Today’s intentions around self-care
To provide each of you with information about:
Recognizing needs
Learning how to ask for help when it is needed
Learning to say “no” and hear “no”
Being compassionate toward our own feelings and needs

9. Cultural influences on our self-care…
Our culture teaches us to have these roadblocks or statements around self-care:
“I don’t want to look needy”
“I don’t have the time.”
‘I don’t have the money.”
‘I don’t want to look selfish.”

10. But what about this idea…..
Here’s a perspective to consider: what if I told you that there is no way we can be anything other than needy; that our needs are our life force? (Bond, 2017)
What if I furthered this idea and asked….what if everything we do, we do to meet a need? Which could mean….that everything we do is an action of self-care!

11. Recognizing Needs
So what is a need, anyway??

12. Review and Reflect
Review the Needs and Values: Things we all Want in our Lives. (2015). V Published by The New York Center for Nonviolent Communication
Reflect:
What are your top three big needs, based on this sheet of the larger six needs?
What are your easiest needs to meet?
What are your more challenging needs to meet?

13. Learning how to ask for help when it is needed
If we don’t know what we need, it is difficult to get that need met, and put out a request that is do-able.
Think of an unmet need for you right now…..how could you construct a “do-able request” to get that need met?
How do we know when a request is “do-able?”

14. Do-able and non-doable request examples
“Just be there for me”
“Would you be willing to have dinner with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5pm?”
NEED: CONNECTION (closeness or companionship)
“Give me space to express myself”
“I would like you to not interrupt me when I am talking to you.”
NEED: AUTONOMY (self-expression)
“Listen to me”
“Would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say?”
NEED: CONNECTION (understanding)
“Quit expecting so much from me”
“I would like to talk with you about the specific tasks of this job so I understand what is expected from me.” NEED: MEANING (clarity)

15. Learning how to ask for help when it is needed
Practice making a do-able request to meet a need….think of more than one way to get that need met in case you get a “no.”
Need
Do-able Request
If I get a “no.”
NEEDs: PEACE (ease, order, peace of mind) around new job demands and MEANING (clarity)
To direct supervisor, director, principal, etc: “I would like to talk with you more about the school’s new trauma awareness practices so that I understand what is expected of me.”
“It is important for me to have peace of mind about this. Would you be willing to recommend someone I can talk to for more clarity on this?”

16. Learning to say “no” and hear “no”
Every “no” has a “yes” behind it…….our “no’s” are our boundaries!!
When you say “no” to a request or an expectation, you are saying “yes” to some kind of need for yourself! You are showing yourself compassion – you are centered on your feelings and needs!
We can only give compassion out to others in an equal fashion to the amount of compassion we are able to give ourselves: Compassion in = compassion out

17. The evolution of a “no/boundary”
FIRST: “Ack! I CAN’T!” (throwing a fit/having a tantrum) THEN: “I WON’T do it, I just won’t!” (being stubborn) FINALLY: “No, I don’t want to.” (calm and centered on our needs and feelings)
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA

18. Being compassionate toward our own feelings and needs
Compassionate = acting from an awareness of feelings and needs
Self-compassion = clear and centered on our own feelings and needs

19. A new self-care journey?
Compare your first self-care list and your top three big needs lists
What needs are you targeting for yourself?
How might you meet those needs?
How might you make some do-able requests?
How might you have more than one way to get a need met – if you hear a “no” to a request?

20. A new self-care journey to honor?
This is not an easy task……this honoring of our self- care journeys……it is a moment to moment experience!

21. Honoring Our Self-Care Journeys…
“Honoring” – recognizing something just as it exists from moment to moment
“Self-Care” – everything we do
“Journey” – the space in which we are always “efforting”/trying to meet our needs

22. Resources
A Teacher’s Best Friend website:
Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL):
Happy Teacher Revolution:
Social-Emotional Learning: It Starts with Teachers: emotional-competence-starts-at-the-head-of.html?cmp=eml-enl- eu-news2-RM

23. References
Bond. T. (2017) The Compassion Book: Lessons from the Compassion Course. OHP: Orange Lake, NY.
Needs and Values: Things we all Want in our Lives. (2015). V Published by The New York Center for Nonviolent Communication

24. Presenter Contact Information
Jamie Van Dycke, Ph.D. Fontbonne University – St. Louis, MO Chair, Department of Education/Special Education Associate Professor