1. Using (Magic) Words to Influence “Challenging” Parents
with Cross-Cultural Commentary
John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Sara Polanchek, Ed.D. Maegan Rides At The Door, M.A. Salena Beaumont Hill, M.A. University of Montana

2. University of Montana

3. Powerpoints and Info
Johnsommersflanagan.com

4. The Plan and Objectives
Describe the challenge of working with parents
Identify 10 counselor attitudes and strategies that can quickly or eventually influence parents
Discuss cross-cultural issues that can emerge when working with diverse parents

5. The Problem: Challenging Parents
Opening survey
It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents
Parents have special needs, interests, and sometimes a different worldview
Parents can be critical consumers – Ruptures (withdrawal or attack) can be common
Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

6. Role Play Volunteer
Come up and tell John about some hassles you’re facing at school or work (and feel free to exaggerate!!).
Debriefing
What did John do?
How did it work?
What dynamic was operating?
Why not “home?”

7. Some Words are Better than Others
“Words were originally magic . . .”
If we’re careful with our words, we can have greater influence on parents and how parents parent their children
Example: “Have you tried?” vs. “What have you tried?” j

8. A Way of Being with Parents
Use THESE ATTITUDE PRINCIPLES
Internal positive reframe
Empathic resonance
Radical acceptance
Sara 20 sec demo s

9. 1. Internal Positive Reframe
There are no “Difficult” or “Challenging” parents
There are only parents in difficult or challenging situations
Our goal is to express empathy for the difficult or challenging situations parents are facing
Sara 20 sec demo J

10. 2. Empathic Resonance General Empathy “I know exactly how you feel.” S
Sara 20 sec demo
“I know exactly how you feel.” S

11. 2. Empathic Resonance Specific Empathy
You must ask about, hear, reflect, and show empathy for the specific PARENTING STORIES (challenges) the parent(s) are telling
What happened next? How solved?
Story Resonance: “You feel afraid to leave your baby to sleep alone, but you’re also feeling upset and angry when you go back in the room to comfort your baby.”
Sara 20 sec demo S

12. 2. Empathy Cultural Discussion
What makes having and showing empathy across cultures difficult?
Are there times when specific empathy [emotion] words should wait? [Angry?]
What might come BEFORE empathy?

13. 3. Radical Acceptance
“I accept you as you are and am committed to helping you change for the better”
But don’t say that because there are also anti-magic words
Use radical acceptance – especially if and when parents are hostile or express disdain
Sara 20 sec demo J

14. 3. Anti-Magic Words (to Avoid)
“I understand”
“I know what you’re going through”
“I won’t judge you in here”
“I’ve been a parenting educator for 30 years”
Responding to “credential questions” J

15. 3. Better Words for Acceptance
Reflect back what the parent wants
Respect
Honesty
Academic effort
Compliance
Success
Find out what the parent has tried, books Resources [show interest]
Sara J

16. 3. Acceptance Cultural Discussion
What negative reaction might happen if a counselor directly expresses “acceptance” with diverse parents? [“I accept you”]
What might be appropriate ways for counselors to show “acceptance” across cultures? [physical space; showing interest; curiosity at appropriate times]
Sara 20 sec demo

17. 4. Reframe All Parenting Efforts
. . . AS POSITIVE
Watch and listen for examples of positive parenting intentions or positive parenting behaviors
Sara 20 sec demo S

18. 4. Reframing Cultural Discussion
How might Native American or other minority parents react to statements like the following? [Try these out]
You really love your son
You know your daughter really well
Your child is lucky to have you as a parent
What are other words that might be culturally acceptable for expressing positive feedback and validation?
Sara 20 sec demo

19. 5. Collaborative Case Formulation
Adopt an attitude of “not knowing” (“I need to listen first”)
Show respect for the parent(s) expertise (“You’re the best expert on your child”)
Use an “invitation for collaboration”
Ask the “best explanation” question
Ask permission (to take notes; offer ideas; give feedback)
Sara 20 sec demo

20. 5. Cross Cultural Discussion
What are specific ways that counselors from the dominant culture can collaborate with diverse parents?
Are there any particular words or strategies that you think might be especially good for communicating collaborative intent? [Collectivist]
Sara 20 sec demo

21. 6. Sleep Talk
Sara 20 sec demo

22. 6. Sleep Talk Sleep is a family value Sara’s sleep rules
Other sleep rules
Sara 20 sec demo

23. 6. Sleepy Cultural Discussion
Sleep is a culturally influenced value and behavior.
What is your understanding of the different ways in which families deal with the natural challenges of sleep?
Sara 20 sec demo

24. 7. Coaching on Being Firm and Direct
Some parents need help to be firm and direct (while being empathic). You can coach with:
Grandma’s Rule
When you, then you . . .
If you, then you [Reese’s story]
Sara 20 sec demo j

25. 7. Firm and Direct Cultural Discussion
There are many cultural differences regarding how direct and how empathic parents should be. [Crow culture; Tiger parenting; free range parenting; helicopter parenting]
Sara 20 sec demo

26. 8. Mutual Problem-Solving
Mutual problem-solving is an evidence-based approach to addressing family problems and children’s misbehavior.
Examples: Homework time; cleaning the bathroom; social media.
MPS is more process than outcome. Why? [See johnsommersflanagan.com; tip sheets]
Sara 20 sec demo s

27. 8. Cross Cultural Discussion
How would you use MPS with Native American parents? Is it a viable approach? [Who would do the MPS in the family or social system?]
What are some of the ways that Native American parents view their children. [Children are sacred]? What techniques are appropriate? [Teasing and accountability?]
Sara 20 sec demo

28. 9. Character Feedback
Often parents naturally give children feedback about their negative character traits (e.g., you’re too emotional; always late; never get homework in; others?)
I love broccoli or other character feedback stories
Practice this now
Sara 20 sec demo j

29. 9. Character Cultural Discussion
How might focusing on the positive work with specific minority parents? [ex: Shame messages from media]
Is it okay and acceptable to push a positive and encouraging parenting style toward all minority perspectives?
Sara 20 sec demo

30. 10. The 7 Magic Choice Theory Words
I want you but it’s your choice
This is very child-empowering
Sara 20 sec demo j

31. 10. Cultural Discussion
Using the words “it’s your choice” could activate parents from some cultural backgrounds [two paths story]
What different words might be more appropriate for parents with a minority cultural identity?
Sara 20 sec demo

32. Closing Comments What will you remember? What will you try out?
You’re the kind of counselors who . . .
Sara

33. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to:
The best spot for these is:
John’s blog at johnsommersflanagan.com

34. Today
Join JSF for coffee, cookies, and a look at the newly published 3rd edition of Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories in Context and Practice
1-2pm at the Wiley booth in the Exhibition Hall