1. Metaphors in Family Mediation Warsaw, Poland, 21-22 November 2008 Thomas Smith Asociace Mediatorů České Republiky Prague www.metaclara.com

2. GENERAL INTRODUCTION thinkingGaining access to client thinking. meaningFigurative and literal meaning. systemMediation as relationship system… timechanging over time. dont determineMediator interventions dont determine… emergeOutcomes evolve, develop, emerge.

3. Overall Outline Metaphoric FramingMetaphoric Framing in Mediation. Metaphoric FramesThe Metaphoric Frames That Work Well for Simpler Conflicts. Complex, AdaptiveSystemMediation as Management of a Complex, Adaptive Relationship System. Metaphoric FramesComplexMetaphoric Frames More Suited to Complex Conflicts.

4. WHY METAPHOR? Fundamental, holistic, organic, inevitable. Conceptual. Widely studied. Multiplies: – Misunderstanding – Options

5. Divorce Case case J He says we are going on different paths. He says we had thought we were going the same way, but we arent – we are really headed for different places. She says, nobody pushed you into marriage and having children. Because we both love the children, we could be open-minded and find a way to stay together. 5

6. Marriage is a Journey – obvious metaphor frame – do you agree? If detected, the mediator can join it, reflect it back, reframe it, expand on it, co-develop it with clients. 6

7. Two-Person Exercise Examine Metaphor Frame Case J: Turn to person next to you.. Do you find the Journey metaphor? Do you find other metaphors? Are other metaphors related? Discuss.

8. Usefulness of metaphor: sustained attention listeningcurious enquiryDetecting metaphor requires sustained attention, very careful listening, curious enquiry. rapportDevelop rapport through awareness, sensitivity, reflecting back, asking questions... own language and thought, cognitive structureDisputants' own language and thought, sustain familiar cognitive structure. dimensionsUncover more dimensions of what is being thought. unifyUse the metaphor frame to unify and synthesize. alternatives and optionsDescribe alternatives and options in coherent terms.

9. DIFFERENT TYPES OF MEDIATION… Evaluative –Advisory –Determinative Transformative Facilitative or Interest-Based –Passive –Active

10. Basic Metaphor Anatomy Describe and Explain Disputants Use Metaphors to Describe and Explain What Has Happened, What They See, What They Want Now we will explore… Source and Target DomainsThe Anatomy of Metaphor – Source and Target Domains How to Identify Metaphors Some practice…

11. full S-T

12. push

13. equilibrium

14. balance Exercise: Pair with person nearby. "It is a balanced proposal." Review the name of the metaphor. Picture someone balanced on a high wire. Ask questions using language from the same metaphor. Or, an alternative response using other terms consistent with same metaphor.

15. push again Pair with person nearby. experience the Source Domain "I feel I'm being pushed into something.""I feel I'm being pushed into something." Try to think of 3, 4, or 5 distinctly different ways that a person might literally, physically be "pushed". Then apply these source domain ideas while discussing the target domain situation where someone "feels pushed into something."

16. Sub-Mappings and Correspondence Mappings: How can we maintain our equilibrium during Mediation? Attributes of our bodily experience of balance/imbalance. Each element in the Source Domain can have a correspondent in the Target Domain: Balanced on what Stability of balance Balancing pole You fall if you lose balance The point where you can't re- balance Person balancing Issues and emotions Ease moving among issues Range of options Active conflict The point where you have given in on too many issues Person in mediation

17. inference patterns

18. Different paths Identifying metaphors from language used.

19. open Mental Openness is Metaphorically Understood as Physical Openness Look for incongruous words.

20. Identify the "incongruous" word or words: "Mediation helps disputants reach a mutual decision." "He made the decision, but will he follow through?" "Just when I was getting to the point, he cut me off." Just put your cards on the table. I'm glad you left your guns at the door. "He has a certain set of beliefs."

21. Identify "incongruous" words (continued): "The seeds of future cooperation were planted that day." "He says they were going on different paths. " "They were really headed for different places." Lead each party,step by step, through the entire dance. Through persistent prodding the parties adjusted their views of the case. "That's a foul and I'm calling a penalty."

22. Sensitizing Yourself to Metaphor Frames most common metaphors What are the most common metaphors you will find in mediation? become more familiar Will it be helpful to become more familiar with these metaphors?

23. Most Widely Used Metaphors in conflict resolution & negotiation 23 Journey Game/Sport War/Struggle Material Object/Substance Building Construction Personification/Animation

25. Hearing and Responding to a Metaphor in Dialog: Helps to know what a metaphor includes… - From which subgroup is each of the following highlighted words? - Name some of the other words in the lexicon for that subgroup. - Substitute in sentences. Hearing and Responding to a Metaphor in Dialog: Helps to know what a metaphor includes… - From which subgroup is each of the following highlighted words? - Name some of the other words in the lexicon for that subgroup. - Substitute in sentences. O.K., I think that were making progress already… …if we can just go back for a minute to… You said you were going to re-evaluate your position in light of the discussion. But we can probably find some middle ground that will provide us the assurance… I want to just pursue that a little bit further… Yes, that is where we fundamentally disagree. …theres really just a little bit of distance between us at this point and it comes right back down to my expectations. …heres the alternative, wed like to go with this alternative.

26. Can you see how previous examples illustrate major groups of mappings ?

27. full 27 map

28. Where do these cluster trees come from?

29. Clustered at outer level: sub-sub-mapping

30. Several sub-sub-mapping clusters

31. Exercise Hearing and Responding to a Metaphor in Dialog Groups of 3 or 4 (one English speaker) What is something that someone in mediation might say using each of these words? What might be a response that aligns with the same metaphor?

32. Sub-sub-mappings grouped into sub-mappings

33. …and for other sub-mappings

34. full 34 map & map exercise Exercise Work in groups of 2 or 3. Create a map of the Journey metaphor.

35. Exercise Whole group In a divorce case, Mom says she needs 7 years of financial support to finish her training, do her internship and get her career on track; Dad says 5. incongruent wordsWhat incongruent words do you notice? NameWhat is a possible metaphor? Name it. sub-mappingsWhat are some sub-mappings in this metaphor?. questionKeeping these in mind, ask a question to clarify and enhance communications. NameagainName the metaphor again as necessary. correspondencesDiscuss correspondences between the metaphor and the situation? rhetorical directionDiscuss the rhetorical direction ? evaluationOverall evaluation communicated?

36. Exercise Sustaining the Metaphor Make a response to the statement, using words from the Territory sub-mapping Whole Group Make a response using words from the lexicon: Their positions are not close. Take one step at a time. How far must we take this discussion? apart, distance, close, far, farther, map, chart, cover, discover, drop, explore, find, flat, flow, guide, journey, jungle, navigate, plain, plot, point, position, quest, region, reorient, sea, seek, travel, voyage, world

37. Re-framing With Metaphor Whole Group Exercise: "Jack, you are a lying jerk! You've cheated on me and betrayed our children! You're no good! I wish you were dead!" Reframe each separate sentence above. Try to detoxify and restate using a metaphor such as… Correcting Jack is Putting Jack on the Right Path. Correcting Jack is Pointing Jack in a New Direction. Correcting Jack is Placing an Obstacle in His Way.

38. Building/Construction Metaphor

39. For each of these examples… What are - Target and Source Sub-Domains, - Correspondences, - Other Words, - Rhetorical direction We think this an important part of the settlement so we are interested in having it in. How do you know about this emotional attachment? I think wed like to lay down what the parameters would be. What you are getting here is a much more structured concept than what we are doing now. It would be best for all parties to make a clean break, with each moving to new properties. …while youre figuring out what you need to do to restructure… This is a situation that is not broken. We start with asking the employees when they are available and plugging them into the schedule.

40. Exercise What are the sub-domains? Pairs. What individual sub-mappings can you find among the previous examples? Fill in possible sub-sub-mappings (other words that comprise lexicons)

41. Take one of the examples, and the relevant sub- mapping, and talk about questions to ask. Whole group, then pairs Mrs. Kelly needs the house for stability and continuity for the children. This suggests "foundations", "joining": "foundations" are solidly grounded, laid out carefully.... "fitting/joining/reinforcing" has to do with care in putting things together, fastening them firmly, making sure connections hold together. When would you want to weaken a structure? Now form pairs, choose another example (from above), and ask questions that do the same (or gently challenge the dominant direction).

42. In a divorce case, Mother wants to move to a distant city after divorce. Father says he will lose connection with the children and their relationship will be undermined. Exercise Fishbowl or whole group: 2 volunteers In a divorce case, Mother wants to move to a distant city after divorce. Father says he will lose connection with the children and their relationship will be undermined. incongruent wordsWhat incongruent words do you notice? NameWhat is a possible metaphor? Name it. sub-mappingsWhat are some sub-mappings in this metaphor?. questionKeeping these in mind, ask a question to clarify and enhance communications. NameagainName the metaphor again as necessary. correspondencesDiscuss correspondences between the metaphor and the situation? rhetorical directionDiscuss the rhetorical direction ? evaluationOverall evaluation communicated?

43. Game/Sport Metaphor

44. For each of these examples… What are - Target and Source Sub-Domains, - Correspondences, - Other Words, - Rhetorical direction Now, that would allow us to either one to come up with a really good replacement for you and it would get us both in the game both working toward the same thing. …so next time you'll say well,...the chances are there won't be any ill effects so let's just release the drug. …you want to penalize me for exercising my right to leave after the operating covenant and that just isn't acceptable. Seniority doesn't trump another employee's [basic rights]. All right, the company will agree to pay for the cataracts and the operations and the time that he lost for working during the operation. …it was the union that chose not to negotiate... They walked away in the middle. Okay, before we start does everyone understand the goal to win?

45. What are the sub-domains? Exercise Pairs. What individual sub-mappings can you find among the previous examples? Fill in possible sub-sub-mappings (other words that comprise lexicons)

46. Exercise: whole group Talk about questions to ask. …so next time you'll say well,...the chances are everything will work out okay, so let's just let the child do whatever she wants. Try to introduce language that shifts this from game to sport.

47. Exercise whole group Divorce court order says young child shall call Father once a week, but calls occur only about half the time. Father wants the court to declare a penalty so Mother will follow the rules. What do you notice? What is a possible metaphor? Name it. If the Father had expressed this idea using entirely literal language, what might he have said?

48. Exercise role play On Father's week with kids, he wants them to go to Mom's house after school and he will pick them up at her house after work. Mom says this will be too disruptive regarding dinner, homework and the youngest child's bedtime. What is a possible metaphor? Name and identify components. Are values involved? Interests? Using your sense of metaphors, identify values and/or interests and reframe by elaborating or extending the metaphor.

49. Exercise role play "I really want the house, but I'm afraid that, in order to get it, I'll have to give up the pension." What is a possible metaphor? Name and identify components. Are values involved? Interests? Using your sense of metaphors, identify values and/or interests and reframe by elaborating or extending the metaphor.

50. War/Fight Metaphor

51. For each of these examples… What are - Target and Source Sub-Domains, - Correspondences, - Other Words, - Rhetorical direction We are not going to agree… we are holding to our positions. …someone who needs to survive, especially given the long-term nature of the lease… If we are meeting here, I wont give up dates [just] because there isnt a mediator. …it was not a criminal act, it wasnt as if were deliberately trying to hurt somebody. How I do business is across the table looking face to face. I am not interested in getting a contract I have to force on people. We really need to be able to move quickly and change our strategy as needed. It isnt intended to be anything overly threatening, it is meant to be an opportunity for people to talk.

52. What are the sub-domains? Exercise Pairs. What individual sub-domains can you find among the previous examples? Fill in possible sub-sub domains or lexicons

53. We are not going to agree… we are holding to our positions. Exercise: Metaphors to Highlight Paradox Whole group Refer to the sub-domain groups, and talk about questions to ask. We are not going to agree… we are holding to our positions. This suggests "war" in the sense that opposing forces dig in and fight as hard as necessary to keep the enemy from advancing or occupying captured territory. Devise statements that gently point out the paradox between this metaphor and the discussions that are actually going on. If they had spoken using a Dance metaphor, what might have been said?

54. Review again Usefulness of metaphor frames: sustained attention listeningcurious enquiryDetecting metaphor requires sustained attention, very careful listening, curious enquiry. rapportDevelop rapport through awareness, sensitivity, reflecting back, asking questions... own language and thought, cognitive structureDisputants' own language and thought, sustain familiar cognitive structure. dimensionsUncover more dimensions of what is being thought. unifyUse the metaphor frame to unify and synthesize. alternatives and optionsDescribe alternatives and options in coherent terms.

55. Metaphors, like the ones considered so far, work well for simple conflicts or somewhat complicated conflicts.

56. When disputants come together we may expect that they will - Be reasonable and talk sensibly. But more likely they will... Avoid their conflict, or begin to fight or argue about their conflict. What We May Wish For What Often Happens Disputants will see conflict in perspective. The conflict tends to continue, self-reinforcing. Start carefully, move in constructive direction No matter where you start, you end up with same conflict. We will find the basic causes or needs. No simple cause. Conflict is the result of misunderstanding. Result of long history. Can take factors separately.Many factors combining. Move along, step by step, to resolution. Cant see where going, result unpredictable. Stay on path. Easily get off track, over- react, or withdraw. End Day 1