1. Difficult Conversations
Starting the conversation if someone close is dying or Bereaved
May 2018

2. What we are going to cover
Why it is important to talk about death
What you might need to talk about
What to bear in mind
Starting the conversation
After a bereavement
Talking vs helping

3. What situation might you find yourself in
Someone very close is dying
Some one you know is very ill
Some one close or that you know has been bereaved.

4. Some myths
It is important to put on a brave/happy face when people are dying
Don’t waste time talking about things, it will only upset them.
They probably don’t want to talk about it, otherwise they would have already.
And there are more ……….

5. Why might you not want to talk ?
Relatives and Friends
Fear of saying the wrong thing or making it worse
Cure collusion - Refusing to face the truth.
Fear of what others might say
Not wanting to upset professionals
Fear of own mortality
Guilt shame of the past
Denial
The people who are dying
Fear of being a burden
Lack of privacy or opportunity
Inner conflict /unfinished business
Fractured families
Secrets never shared
Denial – not facing the truth
Fear of upsetting relatives
Never liked to talk
Trusting the right person

6. Why we need to talk?
They may not have left a will or expressed wishes about funerals, arrangements, dependants
They may not have said something they wanted to say
You may have to tie up loose ends without any direction
You may have sadness and regret about not sharing your feelings with them
It helps to accept things are coming to an end, and helps to acknowledge strong emotions
It can bring you closer
It brings a sense of relief once things are brought into the open.

7. Principles to Bear in Mind
In general, in the long run, you hurt people more by the conversations you don’t have than by the ones you do
Its quite likely that the other person has been thinking about these things to but not said anything
Talking about the important subjects can’t be done in one cover all conversation but by lots of small ones
If you are worried about getting it wrong, you can always discuss it with someone else beforehand

8. Subjects to talk about
The type of care someone would like towards the end
Where they’d like to die
Funeral arrangements
Care of dependants
Organ donation
How they would like to be remembered
What worries they would like to discuss
What they would like people to know before they die

9. Starting and Having THAT Conversation
Right time and place
Focus on them
Reassure but don’t try to solve
Let them lead

10. How to Listen Be respectful. Be honest Engage and watch
Stay grounded and calm
Think of some questions
Offer options or alternatives
Don’t be scared of emotions
…………..Be quiet

11. During the conversation
“What would you like to talk about”
“I know these things are difficult to talk about”
“ is there anything you want us to know”
“how do you feel you are progressing”
“what are your hopes for the next few weeks”

12. Talking about a Bereavement
Why is it so hard?
Fear of saying something wrong
Fear of upsetting them
Stigma and protocols around death
There is no right or wrong way

13. Where to start Showing you care. Think of your own experiences
Doing something is better than nothing
Think of your own experiences
What might you want
Be comforting and accepting
There is no one way
Don’t be offended
There is more than one chance

14. Keeping the Conversation Going
Words aren’t always necessary
Encourage by asking and listening
Add your own recollections
Allow for negatives

15. Being of “Help” Different times they may want help/talk
Different members may respond in other ways
Don’t think your “help” is not wanted but also don’t think your “help “ is the only way
As a bereaved – speak up (or get others to do it for you)
Beware of bland offers “if there is anything I can do, please ask”
Don’t assume its “sorted” after the funeral

16. Summary
It’s hard – but living with regret is too You are probably not the only one wanting to talk Being there and listening can be enough Emotions are part of life – they don’t hurt us as much as avoiding them does