1. FAWCO Presidents’ Parallel Session Conflict Management and Resolution

2. Ground Rules Please pay attention and maintain an open mind
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Ground Rules
Please pay attention and maintain an open mind
Please share what you are comfortable sharing
Please honor what is being shared by others and maintain privacy
Put phones on silent 
Anything else?

3. Today’s Objectives Identify a definition for conflict
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Today’s Objectives
Identify a definition for conflict
Recognize the five conflict styles, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of each approach
Identify our own personal conflict styles
Discuss strategies for successfully managing conflict situations

4. “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”
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“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”
— Max Lucade
Conflict happens.  How you respond to and resolve conflict will limit or enable your success.  My goal with this presentation is to give you the tools to understand conflict, learn your own conflict patterns, and empower you to make more effective choices when you are finding or facing conflict.

5. What is Conflict? CONFLICT is: an expressed struggle between at
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What is Conflict?
CONFLICT is:
an expressed struggle between at
least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in
achieving their goals.
(--Wilmot & Hocker)

6. What is Conflict? Conflict
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What is Conflict?
Conflict
1. a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.
synonyms: dispute, quarrel, squabble, disagreement, difference of opinion, dissension; ”
2. a serious incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests.
synonyms: clash, incompatibility, incongruity, lack of congruence, friction, opposition, mismatch, variance, difference, divergence, contradiction, inconsistency, discrepancy
Conflict is disagreement, but contrary to popular belief conflict does not necessarily involve fighting. Conflict exists in any situation where facts, desires or fears pull or push participants against each other or in divergent directions

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What causes conflict?
Goals.  Conflict can happen as a result of conflicting goals or priorities.  It can also happen when there is a lack of shared goals.
Personality conflicts.  Personality conflicts are a common cause of conflict.  Sometimes there is no chemistry, or you haven’t figured out an effective way to click with somebody.

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What causes conflict?
Scarce resources. Conflict can happen when you’re competing over scarce resources.
Styles.   People have different styles.  Your thinking style or communication style might conflict with somebody else’s thinking style or their communication style.  The good news is that conflicts in styles are easy to adapt to when you know how.
Values.  Sometimes you will find conflict in values.  The challenge here is that values are core. 
Adapting with styles is one thing, but dealing with conflicting values is another.  That’s why a particular business, group, or culture may not be a good fit for you.  It’s also why “bird’s of a feather flock together” and why “opposites attract, but similarities bind.”

9. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles

10. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
Accommodation
Strategies
Giving in or giving up
Denying one’s own needs
Placing harmony in the relationship over the issues in conflict
Accommodating – This is when you cooperate to a high-degree, and it may be at your own expense, and actually work against your own goals, objectives, and desired outcomes.  This approach is effective when the other party is the expert or has a better solution.  It can also be effective for preserving future relations with the other party.

11. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
Accommodation
When to practice:
When one is wrong/other is right
When there is a desire for harmony in the relationship
When relationship is more important than the dispute
When losses can be minimized
When a party needs to “save face”
When one wants leverage for future conflict

12. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
Accommodation
Disadvantages:
Requires party to give something up
Issues likely to remain unresolved
Does not generate creative solutions
Can cause frustration and/or resentment
Creates a loss of influence in situation/relationship
Can damage relationships
Can foster competition over “niceness”
Accommodating – This is when you cooperate to a high-degree, and it may be at your own expense, and actually work against your own goals, objectives, and desired outcomes.  This approach is effective when the other party is the expert or has a better solution.  It can also be effective for preserving future relations with the other party.

13. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
AVOIDANCE
Strategies:
Ignoring the problem/conflict
Denial of the problem/conflict
Evasion of the problem/conflict
Joking about the problem/conflict
Collaborating – This is where you partner or pair up with the other party to achieve both of your goals.  This is how you break free of the “win-lose” paradigm and seek the “win-win.”  This can be effective for complex scenarios where you need to find a novel solution.  This can also mean re-framing the challenge to create a bigger space and room for everybody’s ideas.  The downside is that it requires a high-degree of trust and reaching a consensus can require a lot of time and effort to get everybody on board and to synthesize all the ideas.

14. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
AVOIDANCE
When to practice:
When the issue or relationship is unimportant
When there is no chance of a positive outcome
When risks of confrontation outweigh benefits of resolution
When other party has significantly greater power
When one or more parties needs time to “cool down”
When it is appropriate to let others resolve conflict

15. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
aVOIDANCE
Disadvantages:
Decisions made by default/without input
Issues likely to remain unresolved
Loss of influence in a situation or relationship
Leads to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem
May be unable to deal with conflicts in the future
Demonstrates a lack of caring/investment

16. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COMPETITION
Strategies:
Hostile remarks or jokes
Threats and/or coercion
Denial of own responsibility
Verbal arguments
Physical altercations
Covert actions
Competing – This is the “win-lose” approach.  You act in a very assertive way to achieve your goals, without seeking to cooperate with the other party, and it may be at the expense of the other party.    This approach may be appropriate for emergencies when time is of the essence, or when you need quick, decisive action, and people are aware of and support the approach

17. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COMPETITION
When to practice:
When immediate and decisive action is necessary
When the style will be rewarded
When there is no relationship of value
When the issue is more important than the relationship
Where a party needs to prove commitment/strength
When total victory is desired
When competing can bring parties together/make both better

18. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COMPETITION
Disadvantages:
Strains/damages relationships
Requires that one/both/all be “losers” in conflict
Conflict may escalate
Less likely to use constructive approaches later
May encourage covert actions
Can lead to stalemates
Creates resentment and/or desire for revenge

19. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COMPROMISE
Strategies:
Both parties give and take to find a “middle ground”
Offer a short-term resolution for “peace-keeping”
Appeals to fair play/fairness
Compromising – This is the “lose-lose” scenario where neither party really achieves what they want.  This requires a moderate level of assertiveness and cooperation.  It may be appropriate for scenarios where you need a temporary solution, or where both sides have equally important goals.   The trap is to fall into compromising as an easy way out, when collaborating would produce a better solution.

20. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COMPROMISE
When to practice:
When a temporary solution is needed
When parties are of equal power
When parties wish to save time and energy
When doing so “seems fair” to all parties

21. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COMPromise
Disadvantages:
Often leaves underlying issues unresolved
Issue may become a recurring problem
Parties required to give something up
One/both/all parties may not be completely satisfied
Becomes an easy way out of creative conflict resolution
Leads to “position padding”

22. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COLLABORATION
Strategies:
Open and honest dialogue that is positive and
Constructive
Willingness to listen to another view
Emotions dealt with properly
Seeking input from other party
Willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions
Giving ground without “giving in” (reason v. compromise)
Collaborating – This is where you partner or pair up with the other party to achieve both of your goals.  This is how you break free of the “win-lose” paradigm and seek the “win-win.”  This can be effective for complex scenarios where you need to find a novel solution.  This can also mean re-framing the challenge to create a bigger space and room for everybody’s ideas.  The downside is that it requires a high-degree of trust and reaching a consensus can require a lot of time and effort to get everybody on board and to synthesize all the ideas.

23. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COLLABORATION
When to practice:
When the relationship is important
When a mutually satisfying outcome is sought
When both views/sides are too important to compromise
When underlying issues need to be addressed
When one wants to avoid destructive means for handling conflict
When new and creative solutions are desired
Collaborating – This is where you partner or pair up with the other party to achieve both of your goals.  This is how you break free of the “win-lose” paradigm and seek the “win-win.”  This can be effective for complex scenarios where you need to find a novel solution.  This can also mean re-framing the challenge to create a bigger space and room for everybody’s ideas.  The downside is that it requires a high-degree of trust and reaching a consensus can require a lot of time and effort to get everybody on board and to synthesize all the ideas.

24. Five Conflict Management Styles
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Five Conflict Management Styles
COLLABORATION
Disadvantages:
Takes more time and energy
Requires both parties to be committed to the process
Makes a party appear unreasonable if he/she later decides against collaboration
A collaborative party may appear weak to an aggressive party

25. Steps to RESOLUTION Make the approach Share perspectives
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Steps to RESOLUTION
Make the approach
Share perspectives
Name the issues
Build understanding
Agree on solutions
Plan next steps

26. Make the approach Reflect before you begin
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Make the approach
Reflect before you begin
Invite the other party to a conversation
Be clear about your intentions
State your goal - a positive resolution

27. Share perspectives Ask for the other person’s perspective
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Share perspectives
Ask for the other person’s perspective
Paraphrase what you hear
Acknowledge your contribution
Describe your perspective

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Name the issues
Identify topics that the parties view as important to address
Use concise neutral language
Avoid pronouns
Use issues to create the agenda

29. Build understanding Discuss one issue at a time Clarify assumptions
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Build understanding
Discuss one issue at a time
Clarify assumptions
Explore interests and feelings

30. Agree on solutions Reality test – Is this doable?
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Agree on solutions
Reality test – Is this doable?
Durability test – Is this durable?
Interest test – Does this meet all parties’ interests?

31. Plan next steps Jointly create an action plan What needs to happen?
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Plan next steps
Jointly create an action plan
What needs to happen?
Who needs to do what? By when?
How will interaction take place if problems occur?

32. 10 Tips Share negative emotions only in person or on the phone.
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10 Tips
Share negative emotions only in person or on the phone.
Pepper your responses with the phrase, "I understand".
Take notice when you feel threatened by what someone is saying to you.
Practice making requests of others when you are angry.
1. s, answering machine messages, and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered in person.
2. This phrase will support your goals when the tension is high and you need to find common ground to form compromises or agreements with the other party.
. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to "shut down" the other person's communication. It will take this kind of discipline to become an open, trusting communicator.

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10 Tips
5. Try repeating the exact words that someone is saying to you when they are in a lot of emotional pain or when you disagree with them completely.
6. Take responsibility for your feelings to avoid blaming others.
7. Learn to listen to the two sides of the conflict that you are in as if you were the mediator or the counselor.
5. This mirroring technique can keep both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding of a different point of view.
6. Use the “I feel, when you…

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10 Tips
8. Take a playful attitude towards developing the skill of emotional self-control in high conflict situations
9. Wait a few days to cool down emotionally when a situation makes you feel wild with intense feelings, such as rage
10. Make a decision to speak with decorum whenever you are angry or frustrated. 
If you can listen and respond in this way you will bring peace and solutions to the conflict more quickly
8.. You could view maintaining self-control in a tense, angry conversation as an athletic feat. You could also view developing this skill as similar to working out at the gym with weights - the more that you use your self-control muscle the bigger it will grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tension is great.
10. If you give yourself permission to blow up, people will not feel safe around you. They will feel that you are not predictable and will carry 'shields' when they are near you. The fear and walls of others will not support your goals for success in relationships or at work.