1. Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert Counselor Kay Granger Elementary
Love and Logic
Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.
Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert
Counselor
Kay Granger Elementary

2. “There will never be enough rewards or consequences to get tough kids to want to behave and learn if we are not first developing relationships.”
-Charles Fay

3. Philosophy of Love and Logic
Choice and freedom to make mistakes.
Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion.
Child takes responsibility of his/her actions.
Child learns from the consequences of his/her mistake.

4. “Be involved in your kids education.”
(We want you to hover them and punish them for bad grades.)

5. “We would like you to provide a warm, loving, supportive home for your child to go home to. One where they have feel a sense of purpose and belonging through jobs, roles, and responsibilities they fulfill in the family.”

6. Parenting Styles
Helicopter
Drill Sergeant
Consultant

7. Helicopter
As child sends the SOS flare, helicopter parents are ready and hovering nearby to swoop in and shield them from teachers, playmates, and peers.
Message sent-
“You can’t help yourself. I have to do it for you.”

8. Why is this not good? UNEQUIPPED for life
Learning opportunities STOLE from them.
In order to grow children must learn from their mistakes
The REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out principal.

9. Drill Sergeant Commands Message Sent-
“You can’t think. I have to think for you.”

10. Why is this not good? Children:
Become DEPENDENT on their parents for the answers
Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they are used to being told what to do
Do not learn how to make decisions- opportunity to make mistakes and see natural consequences arise is robbed from them.
Become followers … as they have been taught
Anxiety = anger, more anxiety, and NO learning

11. Laissez-faire parents:
Decide that children should raise themselves
Believe that they should be their child’s friend
Feel guilty and allow them to run free

12. Why is this not good?
Children need rules and consequences to learn from
Children are not adults and can not self-regulate
Parents are parents, not friends

13. Consultant Shares alternatives Message sent-
“You are capable and can make wise decisions. You are responsible.”
Helicopters can’t hover forever and drill seargeants go horse.

14. Consultant Modeling Focus is relationship instead of task achievement
Ask questions
Stay Calm
Choices and natural consequences.

15. Love and Logic “Love” allows kids to grow through their mistakes.
“Logic” allows them to live with the consequences of their choices.

16. “Responsibility cannot be taught, it must be caught.”
- Jim and Charles Fay
Doggonit! You WILL show some responsibility!!!
Message to responsible child

17. “I am sure you will remember on your own, but if you don’t, you’ll sure learn from the experience.”
Doggonit! You WILL show some responsibility!!!
Message to responsible child

18. Misbehaving
Results from the child taking the only choice available to them in order to gain some control.
Can lead to power struggles.
Can be eliminated or maintained through choices.

19. Misbehavior Cycle

20. 5 Questions: Is Love and Logic for you?
Think of all the things you have tried in the past.
Think of all the things the teachers have tried in the past.
Are any of these showing long-term results?
Can you think of anything else that makes sense that we could try?

21. #5
If everything else that makes sense has already been tried, maybe it’s time to try something that doesn’t appear to make sense.

22. Guide Child to Solve the Problem 5 Steps
Show Empathy- “You must feel sad.”
Send Power Message- “What will you do about it?”
Offer Choices- “Would you like to hear what your sister tried?”
Have child State Consequences- “How will that work?”
Allow child to Solve the Problem

23. Power Struggle? Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead!
You don’t love me anymore
“I love you too much to argue”
It is not fair
“Maybe so…”
You love her more than me
“Mmmm…”
You don’t care
“I know…”
Dad wouldn’t do that
I am going to run away!”
“I will love you wherever you live.”

24. Empathy
Adults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic response to child’s misbehavior.
One-liners:
This must really hurt.
This is so sad.
That is really hard
I am sorry you feel that way.
I feel bad for you.
Bummer
It must be hard to feel so frustrated.
I will love you wherever you live.
I love you too much to argue.
I argue between 5-5:30 am.

25. Let empathy and consequences do the teaching
NOT sarcastic or condescending
Keep it short, sweet and repetitive.
Express your empathy before your anger or a consequence
Delaying your consequence gives you time to think
Use less words….lectures don’t work

26. Power Messages What are you going to do about it?
Have you come up with anything so far?
I am here to help. Just let me know what you decide to do about it.

27. Choices Children must control the problem. If they don’t, you could:
Give choices:
If child does not choose, be prepared to choose yourself
Be sure to pick choices you can live with
Allow the child to live with the consequences
Children must control the problem. If they don’t, you could:
Steal kids’ opportunities to learn
Become overwhelmed with raising kids
Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex: dinner time

28. Ownership of the Problem
Who’s problem is it?
Am I upset because he’s upset?
What happens to me personally?
Am I twisting the problem to make it mine?

29. How to determine when it is not our problem…
What is going to happen to me if that problem doesn’t get solved?
If your answer is nothing, then it is the child’s problem.
Allowing children to own the problem allows for them to find ways to solve their problem.

30. “In today’s world, we don’t want our kids to feel struggle. Why
“In today’s world, we don’t want our kids to feel struggle. Why? ALLOW kids to struggle. Don’t steal that gift. Help them cope with challenges where they have to learn.”
-Charles Fay
The brain has its own built in reward system. That does

31. Choices- Phrasing Would you rather ______or______?
What would be best for you: ______or______?
Feel free to________ or ________.
You can either ______or_______.

32. Opportunity for Thinking and Decision-Making
Fighting Words
“Get to work now!”
Thinking Words
“Feel free to go out as soon as you have cleaned your room.”
OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES

33. “Lectures don’t work; kids don’t learn through lectures.”
-Charles Fay

34. We would rather they THINK than FIGHT.
-Jim and Charles Fay

35. GOLD
Garbage or
“Garbage”: Training you to ignore my words through nagging and lectures. Fighting invites disobedience.
“Gold”: Teaching to you listen to my words. Get them THINKING!
Describe what you are going to do or allow instead of telling THEM what to do.

36. “Garbage”: YOU WILL… “Gold”: I WILL… GOLD Garbage or
This is how I am going to do things. You might want to pay attention.

37. “Times can be real tough and you have the opportunity to learn from them. If anyone can cope with them, I bet you can.”

38. “Kids learn better from what they tell THEMSELVES.”
-Jim and Charles Fay

39. GOLD Garbage or “You are not going to talk to me that way!”
“I will be glad to discuss this with you as soon as the arguing stops.”

40. GOLD Garbage or “Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?”
“If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times! Get that coat on!”

41. GOLD
Garbage or
“Told you not to spend all your money on toys that just break!”
“Ooooh, you are out of money? Don’t worry, allowances come on Saturday.”

42. GOLD Garbage or “Get your clothes on……” “Time to get your clothes on!”
“How many times do I have
to tell you to get your clothes
on! We are going to be late!”
“Feel free to put your clothes on in the privacy of your room or in the car on the way to school.”

43. GOLD
Garbage or
“Would you rather play nicely in the living room or noisy in your room?”
“SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you will go to your room! Adam is about to sing!”

44. GOLD
Garbage or
“You can either wash your clothes or spend your allowance to have the cleaners do it.”
“I am NOT picking your clothes.”

45. GOLD Garbage or “You need to start respecting me.”
“I will be happy to do nice things for you as soon as I feel respected and helped.”

46. GOLD Garbage or “Dinner is served until 7pm.”
“Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get in here.”
“Feel free to enjoy your next meal with the family as soon as the yard is mowed.”

47. GOLD Garbage or “Don’t you dare raise your voice at me.”
“I will listen to your voice when it is calm like mine.”

48. GOLD Garbage or “You get to keep the toys that are picked up.”
“Pick up your toys, now.”
“Yes, you may watch T.V. when your toys are picked up.”
“Love you too much to argue.”
“So, what did I say?”

49. GOLD
Garbage or
Charles Fay believes that the fastest way to put a teenager in danger is to let them drive for free.
“Hope you can drive one day. In this family, the only people who can afford it get to drive.”

50. Follow Through Now, you have to keep your word. It might be difficult.
Do NOT show your disappointment or anger at their poor decision-making.
Remember, the consequence should speak for itself.

51. Dream World
“Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure now that I know you mean what you say. I appreciate your loving me enough to set limits.”
NO! They run to their rooms, whine, talk back, guilt trips. Stand firm, stay calm, READ about what else you can do.
Logan “Mom, did you learn this from one of those books? Sorry to tell you but it doesn’t work with kids. It just makes us mad.”
“Hmmm… that’s interesting so what did I say?”
“I love and respect time with you so much that I am not going to move an inch in this car until the gameboy is off!”

52. Let Consequences and Empathy do the Teaching
Consequences allow:
Child to be involved in the decision
Child to hurt from the inside out
Child to develop a new plan of reacting
Parent to be friendly and helpful
Child to see adult modeling problem-solving techniques
Child to learn about real world consequences

53. “Kids need to think HARDER about their problems than the adults around them.”
-Charles Fay

54. Punishment vs. Consequence
Punishments allow:
Adult to make decision
Child is hurt from the outside in
Child to pay for his past deed
Adult to display anger
Child to feel the imposition of power
Child to learn about the imposition of power

55. Child Chooses Consequence
“What are you going to do about it?”
“How do you plan to solve the problem?”

56. The Teaching Value of a Consequence
You will destroy the teaching value if you:
Say, “This will teach you a lesson.”
Display anger
Explain the value of the consequence
Threaten
Talk too much
Give in!

57. Immediate Consequence
“Looks like today you decided to wait until we get in the car to eat your breakfast.”
“It’s sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like you won’t be driving until the damage is paid for.”
“I’m sure glad you’re home. Why don’t you stick around tomorrow night so I don’t have to worry about you.”
“Looks like you have decided to do your own laundry this weekend. Let me know if you need me to show you how.”
“The way you two fight is really taking some of my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your rooms when you are pleasant to be around.”

58. Delayed Consequence
When you are too angry or frustrated to use empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE!
Delayed consequences:
Child has to do more thinking about it than we do. Child owns the problem.
We have time to think about an appropriate consequence that is reasonable.
There is less chance of blowing up and making a threat that you can’t back up.

59. Delayed Consequence
“I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ll let you know after dinner.”
“This is so sad. I am going to have to do something about this. But not now, later. Try not to worry about it.”
“I am too angry right now. I make better decisions when I am calm.”

60. “If a child causes a problems, it should be NO problem for the adult; but a BIG problem for the child.”
-Charles Fay

61. TRAINING SESSIONS for building responsibility
Give the child a task he can handle
Hope the child “blows” it
Let equal parts of empathy and consequence do the teaching
Give the same task again
Something that is reoccuring

62. STEP 1 Give the child a task he can handle

63. 2. Hope the child blows it? Teaches a real world lesson
Helps children find new solutions
Gives children an opportunity to fail in a safe environment

64. 3. Let empathy and consequences do the talking . . .
Be empathetic before you share the bad news
Empathy builds relationships
Children must learn that mistakes hurt them - When the adult gets angry the message gets lost
Children need to attend to how to make better choices, not to their parents anger
Consequences allow the child to “own” the problem

65. 4. Have them do the same task again
Children learn from their mistakes
Communicates to children that you trust them
Says, “You are capable”

66. Let them fail . . . Gives them a chance to learn
Helps them to understand that every action has a consequence, both good and bad
Learns the lesson of decision making early so that harder decisions are easier later
Learns the skills of decision making and problem solving

67. Learning at a time when it is an affordable price
Little kids….little problems
Big kids….bigger problems

68. Mean what you say, say what you mean
Consistency is key
If you don’t follow through your child takes on the “lottery” mentality
If it is new, your child will test you

69. Sameness= LOVE The message you are sending:
I love you enough to create a same and predictable environment.
-Charles Fay

70. Primary focus of Love and Logic
Is NOT to make kids behave and get good grades.
Focus is on how to raise good PEOPLE, not people who LOOK GOOD. It is not about what they PRODUCE.

71. Primary focus of Love and Logic
“The primary focus of parenting with Love and Logic is to dramatically increase the odds that kids will make good and healthy decisions when NO ONE is making them do it.”
-Charles Fay

72. Assignment
Think of a common argument that you get into with your child
Write down how you usually handle this
Write down your child’s response
Think of a new “natural consequence” that you can try

73. Love and Logic Resources
Conferences
Workshops
Books
Videos

74. Teaching Children Responsibility
Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Your children will win because they’ll learn to solve their own problems while gaining the confidence they need to meet life’s challenges. And you’ll win because you’ll establish healthy control—without resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power struggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting!

75. Unless you’ve got the finances to set your kids up with a lifetime trust fund, they’re going to end up spending most of their adult lives working. Wouldn’t it be a great gift if your children grew up to enjoy work…rather than dread it? Bosses are desperate for employees who understand:
The importance of personal responsibility
How to remain positive when the going gets tough
That success comes from hard work and determination…rather than handouts

76. DVDs

77. Books

78. Prizes!
One-liner
Favorite heart quote or “Ah-ha moment”

79. This book is filled with excellent short stories that provide you with easy to use techniques that can be put to use immediately. Covering all age ranges for Parents and Educators.
Techniques for:
Avoiding Power Struggles
Homework
Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

80. Thank You