1. Chapter Seven Love & Intimacy
Segue from previous day’s lecture about gender roles.

2. Agenda Review Theories of Love
Discuss Connection Between Love & Sex in Intimate Relationships

3. Class Exercise: Stereotypes and Intimacy
We will view a video clip from the movie “What Women Want”
What are the stereotypes associated with men/masculinity and women/femininity.
How do these stereotypes influence intimacy?

4. Cultural Definitions of Love

5. The Forms and Origin of Love
Romantic love – passionate love that includes sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation
We tend to idealize our romantic partner
Companionate love (conjugal love) – deep affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, loyalty

6. Conceptualizations of Love
Colors of Love (Lee)
Love Triangles (Sternberg)
Can We Measure Love?

7. Colors of Love
(Lee, 1974, 1998)

8. Colors of Love Based on research Six basic ways (“colors”) to love
Love styles are independent
Lovers with compatible love styles will be happier with each other than incompatible styles

9. Six Contemporary Love Styles (based on the work of Lee, 1973)
Eros (sounds like "air-ohs"): "characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92). Sustained relationships are typified by "continued active interest in sexual and emotional fulfillment, plus the development of intellectual rapport" Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92; emphasis added).
Storge (sounds like "store-gay"): "an affectionate, companionate style of loving. This love focuses on deepening mutual commitment, respect, and friendship over time" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92).
Continued …

10. Love Styles
Pragma: "emphasizes the practical element in human relationships, particularly in marriages. Pragmatics love involves rational assessment of a potential partner's assets and liabilities" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92).
Agape: altruistic love. It "emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved's needs even when that means some personal sacrifice [it also] emphasizes nurturing others with little conscious desire for return other than the intrinsic satisfaction of having loved and cared for someone else" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p ).
Continued …

11. Love Styles
Ludus (sounds like "lewd-us"): emphasizes the recreational aspect of sexuality and sensual pleasures. It may be part of a more committed relationship based on other loves styles, too.
Mania: based on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity, but a manic partner is extremely jealous, moody, and her/his need for attention is insatiable.

12. Colors of Love Manic and ludic – poorer psychological health
Storge and eros – higher psychological health
Gender Differences:
Men – more socially acceptable to have eros or ludus styles; less to have agape; more likely to have ludic style
Women – more socially acceptable to have agape; less to have ludus; more likely to have pragmatic style

13. Love “Triangles”
(Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

14. Love Triangles
Love is three elements that can be combined to produce 7 different types of love
Three basic elements:
Passion – sexual desire and physical attraction; part of romantic love
Intimacy – connection and feelings of closeness; an emotional investment
Commitment – to love in the short term; to maintain that love in the long term

15. Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)
Love changes as we mature
Different forms of love may be experienced within the same couple throughout time

16. Can We Measure Love?

17. Can We Measure Love? Scales have been developed to measure love
Measure something strongly associated with love
Attachment (Rubin, 1970, 1973)
Measure aspects of relationships
Relationship Rating Scale
Passionate Love Scale
Most scales measure romantic, not companionate, love

18. Theories of Love Behavioral Reinforcement Theories Cognitive Theories
Physiological Arousal Theories
Evolutionary Theories

19. Class Exercise Is love essential for emotional survival?
What are the characteristics of a truly loving relationship?
How do you recognize love?
Is it possible to love more than one person in a lifetime? More than one person at a time?

20. Behavioral Reinforcement Theories
We love because another person reinforces positive feelings in ourselves
Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of another makes us like them, even if the reward is unrelated to that person
Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing activities with a person

21. Cognitive Theories A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as love
If we think someone likes us, we are more prone to find them attractive

22. Physiological Arousal Theories
Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion, such as love
We are more likely to experience love when we are physiologically aroused for any reason
Shaky bridge study (Dutton & Aron, 1974)
Male participants on a “scary” bridge were more likely than males on a “safe” bridge to call a female they met on the bridge
Arousal is not crucial for an emotional state

23. Evolutionary Theories
Humans have 3 basic instincts:
Need for protection
Parent protects the child
Sexual drive
We love in order to produce offspring
Heterosexual men want healthy women to carry offspring
Heterosexual women want men with resources to care for her and the offspring

24. Love Across the Lifespan
Love becomes more complex as we age

25. Childhood
Attachment to the caregiver can affect attachment throughout life
The love of mother and father are important
May be harder to be intimate with another as an adult if it was not experienced as a child
Three attachment types:
Secure – accepts caregiver leaving
Anxious/ambivalent – panic if left alone
Avoidant – caregiver forces parting early

26. Childhood
Parental divorce is related to lower levels of trust a young adult (particularly female) experiences in intimate relationships

27. Adolescence Time to learn how to love, manage emotions
Creates a foundation for adult relationships
Role repertoire – varied ways to relate with others
Intimacy repertoire – collection of behaviors used to create intimate relationships in life
Usually begin with an unattainable crush; romantic love more likely if parents’ relationship is stable, at ease with own body

28. Adult Love and Intimacy
Factors that increase attraction
Proximity – people you know or see often
Similarity – background, values, attitudes
Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis”
Personality – openness, sociability, humor
Economic Resources – especially in men
Mutual Attraction and Love
Ideal qualities are consistent across gender, culture, and sexual orientation

29. Attraction in Different Cultures
Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)
Men valued “good looks” in their partner
Women valued “good financial prospect” in their partner
Men preferred younger partners
Women preferred older partners

30. Love, Sex, and Intimacy

31. Intimate Relationships
Self-disclosure is important
Those who value intimacy tend to be more trusting, concerned for others, disclose more, have more positive thoughts about others, are perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

32. Male and Female Styles of Intimacy
Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy
Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy, or maybe they just do it differently than women, such as through behavior
Gay men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner than heterosexual men

33. Intimacy in Different Cultures
Culture seems to be more influential than gender in love and intimacy style
Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures
Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects level of intimacy; the stronger the stereotype, the less attached couples are
Western countries rate love as highly important, less developed Asian countries rated love the lowest

34. Long-Term Love and Commitment
Effort and commitment are required to maintain a relationship
Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure, and love
Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less intimacy, liking, and communication

35. Love and Sex
Initial attraction increases intimacy: more eye contact, more touches
Body language reveals attraction, and the female typically starts
Initially it is contact and conversation with bodies turned toward each other, followed by tentative touches that increase in duration and intimacy, then “full body synchronization”
Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts

36. Developing Intimacy Skills
Self-love – being at ease with ourselves, both the positive and negative qualities
Receptivity – shows others we are open to communication, approachable
Listening – provide full attention
Affection – warmth and security with others
Trust – a requirement that develops slowly
Respect – acknowledge and understand another’s needs; don’t have to share them

37. Jealousy Compulsiveness Possessiveness
The Dark Side of Love
Jealousy
Compulsiveness
Possessiveness

38. Class Exercise
A college couple who live together have been having increased arguments.
One partner wants the other to grow up and act mature.
In return, the other suggests that they need to have more fun in their relationship.
What advice would you give them?
What are the short- and long-term prospects for this couple?

39. Jealousy
Interpretation and emotional reaction that a relationship is threatened
Most jealous if the person we believe is threatening the relationship has qualities we want ourselves
More common with low self-esteem

40. Jealousy Men more jealous of a female’s sexual infidelity
Women more jealous of a male’s emotional infidelity
Both genders more threatened by sexual infidelity in short-term relationships
Both genders more threatened by emotional infidelity in long-term relationships

41. Jealousy
Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-female sexual infidelity
Heterosexual women more jealous of male-male sexual infidelity
Much unknown about homosexual infidelity
Jealousy is in all cultures, although the reasons may vary
Jealousy shows a lack of trust & self-esteem

42. Compulsiveness
Love releases phenylethylamine (also in chocolate), which produces feelings of euphoria and love addiction
Society and media reinforces the “need” to be in love and may be carried over from adolescence without maturing

43. Possessiveness
Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts to feel worthy
Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to stalking
May require help from a mental health professional