1. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
A book by
Gary Chapman

2. Marriage designed to meet need for intimacy & love.
IMPORTANCE OF LOVE
Isolation
Solitary Confinement
Marriage designed to meet need for intimacy & love.
Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments. At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

3. EMOTIONAL TANK Needs to be filled with love.
Then will grow & develop normally
If tank is empty, will misbehave.
Key – figuring out how to fill your mate’s emotional tank.
Learn to speak their language.
Inside each person is an emotional tank waiting to be filled with loved. When a person feels loved he/she will grow and develop normally. But when the love tank is empty, they will misbehave.
The key then, is to determine how to fill your mate’s emotional tank. This can be done by learning to speak their love language.

4. FALLING IN LOVE First meet “Love Alert” system goes off
Become emotionally obsessed
Under illusion all is perfect
We meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical shock to trigger our “love alert” system. The bells go off, and we set in motion the process of getting to know the person. After awhile, the “tingles” either go out our toes or intensify until we are emotionally obsessed with each other. All we think about is the other person. We have the illusion that they are perfect and we will be supremely happy with each other.

5. AND THEN... Romantic obsession lasts about 2 years Reality sets in
Must learn to love mate
So, love is a rational volitional choice
Studies have shown that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. Eventually we all recognize the faults of our partner. Then the waves of reality begin to separate us. We fall out of love, separate/divorce… or begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession. So, love is a rational, volitional choice. It begins with an attitude - a way of thinking. It says “I am married to you, and I choose to look our for your interests.” Then the one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision.

6. LOVE IS...
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.
Love grows and develops. It is a process more than a product.

7. FIRST TRUTH Actions before marriage aren’t the same as after marriage
Before marriage – “in-love obsession”
After marriage – influenced by our parents, personality, perceptions, personal needs, etc.
What we did for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “fell in love.” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our emotions, needs, and desires.

8. Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
SECOND TRUTH
Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
Love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our partners. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our partner requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

9. LOVE IS A CHOICE Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs.
Can’t change past.
Just confess & ask for forgiveness.
The partner has the option of justice or forgiveness.
Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. We do not always do the best or right thing. We can not erase the past. All we can do is confess and ask for forgiveness.
The partner has the option of justice or forgiveness.

10. LOVE IS A CHOICE OR Choose justice = getting revenge = no intimacy
Choose forgiveness = restored intimacy
Forgiveness is:
A feeling
A choice
Expression of love
If justice is chosen and he/she seeks to pay them back or make them pay for the wrongdoing, intimacy becomes impossible.
However, if forgiveness is chosen, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way to love.
Let the failures of the past remain history. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment, a choice. It is an expression of love.

11. THIRD TRUTH
Listen to your partner’s criticisms for a clue about their language.
Your partner’s criticisms about your behavior will provide you with the clearest clue to his/her primary love language. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. But often criticism needs clarifying.

12. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

13. Words of Affirmation
Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, and encouraging words are powerful communicators of love.
They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation.

14. Words of Affirmation
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your loved one’s perspective.
If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.

15. Words of Affirmation Love makes requests, not demands.
Requests affirm your loved one’s worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you.
However, when you make demands, you become a tyrant. Your loved one will feel belittled.

16. Words of Affirmation
Requests imply choice. Your partner may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful.
To know my partner loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emotionally that I am cared for, respected, admired, and he/she wants to please me.

17. Words of Affirmation
If a partner complies to a demand, it is an act of fear or guilt or some other emotion, but not love.
Thus, requests create the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.
When we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.

18. Quality Time
Wanting attention, focus on me, give me time, do things with me.
Togetherness not just proximity but focused, undivided attention. Not watching TV together…, but taking long walks…
Includes quality conversations - a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.
Seek to understand and sympathize, not to solve their problems.

19. Quality Time - Listening Tips
Maintain eye contact.
Don’t listen while doing something else at the same time.
Listen for feelings.
Observe body language.
Refuse to interrupt.

20. Quality Time
Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation.
Must be able to express what you are thinking and feeling. Difficult for some people because of how they grew up. Also depends on personality types. For example the “Dead Sea” and the “Babbling Brook”.

21. Quality Time Essential ingredients in a quality activity are:
At least one of you wants to do it
The other is willing to do it
Both of you know why you are doing it -- to express love by being together
One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.

22. Receiving Gifts
Gifts are visual symbols of love. These symbols are more important to some people that others. For example: differing attitudes to wearing wedding rings.
Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes.
Gifts can be purchased, found, or made.
May require a change in attitude about money - spending vs. saving.

23. Receiving Gifts
Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

24. Acts of Service
Doing things you know your partner would like you to do. You seek to please him/her by serving them, to express you love by doing things for them.
Examples: cooking, cleaning, painting a bedroom, maintaining the car…
They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

25. Acts of Service
Acts of service can be negative if they are coerced by fear (You will do this or you will be sorry” or manipulated by guilt (“If you were a good partner, you would do this for me”). These will lead to resentment.
Acts of service may mean overcoming stereotypes of traditional gender roles.

26. Physical Touch
Numerous research studies have shown the importance of physical touch, especially in child development.
Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.
Holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love. Must discuss which touches bring physical pleasure and which are irritating and annoying. (Blowing in ear.)

27. Physical Touch
In time of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.
If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding them as they cry. Words may mean little, but tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has past. Failure to touch may never be forgotten.

28. Physical Touch
Many males automatically assume that physical touch is their primary love language because their desire for sexual intercourse has a physical root.
But if he doesn’t enjoy physical touch at other times and in nonsexual ways, it may not be his love language at all.
Sexual desire is quite different from the emotional need to feel loved.

29. Physical Touch
For females, sexual desire is emotionally based. If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him.
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

30. DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE
What makes you feel most loved?
What do you desire above all else?
What does your partner do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?
What have you most requested of your partner?
How do you express your love to your partner?
If I could have the ideal partner, what would they be like?

31. ASSIGNMENT
Write down your primary love language and tell what led you to that conclusion.
List the other four languages in order of importance.
NOTE: It is possible to be bilingual.

32. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch