1. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Do Birds of a Feather Flock Together – or Do Opposites Attract??? Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and Loving Others

2. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Handouts: Table of Contents Milius, S. (2003). Beast buddies: Do animals have friends? Ranie, L. & Madden, M. Not looking for love: The state of romance in America. Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love Pennebaker, J. W., et al. (1982). Dont the girls get prettier at closing time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin Ugly Betty: You-Go-Girl (blog)

3. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendships Friend – someone with whom we have an affectionate relationship Affiliation motive – desire to be near others and have pleasant interactions Goals of Affiliative Behavior –Social support (link to physical health) –Getting information (Social Comparison Theory) –Gaining status –Exchanging material benefits

4. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendships Proximity (functional distance not geographical) –Interaction Availability of options Anticipatory liking –Mere exposure Research on favorite numbers and letters of alphabet Zajonc – we like familiar people –Mirror image research © Rick Smolan/Stock Boston © Paul Lau © Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp © David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.

5. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendships Physical attractiveness –Attractiveness and dating –The matching phenomenon Tendency to choose partners that are a good match Equal attractiveness or other compensatory qualities Asset matching hypothesis –i.e. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills © Rick Smolan/Stock Boston © Paul Lau © Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp © David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.

6. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendships Physical attractiveness –The physical-attractiveness stereotype Beauty is good phenomenon Bart Simpson effect – homely children are less capable and socially competent Impacts first impressions (including job interviews) SLIGHT differences between attractive and unattractive individuals probably b/c of self fulfilling prophesy (i.e. development of more social confidence, etc.) Ugly Betty © Rick Smolan/Stock Boston © Paul Lau © Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp © David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.

7. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendships Physical attractiveness Who/What is attractive? Gender Differences STRONG agreement within and between cultures To be really attractive is to be perfectly average (familiarity) Contrast Effect Dutton and Aron (1974) Dont the Girls Get Prettier at Closing Time (Availability of Options) © Rick Smolan/Stock Boston © Paul Lau © Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp © David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.

8. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Body Self-Esteem

9. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendships Similarity versus complementarity –Do birds of a feather flock together? –Do opposites attract? Liking those who like us –Attribution –Self-esteem and attraction –Gaining anothers esteem Relationship Rewards –Reward theory of attraction –Liking by association Ostracism –Inherent dislike (and other psychological effects) of being shunned

10. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Self Perpetuating Cycle of Loneliness

11. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Friendship vs. Love – Is there really a difference? 1.EnjoymentFriends enjoy each others company most of the time. 2. AcceptanceFriends accept each other as they are and do not attempt to make the other into a different person. 3. TrustEach assumes the other will act in light of his or her friends best interest. 4. RespectFriends respect each other in the sense of assuming that each exercises good judgment in making life choices. 5. ConfidingThey share experiences and feelings with each other. 6. UnderstandingThey have a sense of what the other values and why the friend does what he or she does. 7. SpontaneityEach feels free to be himself or herself in the relationship.

12. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Love Passionate love –A state of intense longing for union with another –Variations in love Cultural Men fall quicker in love, and slower out of love – also tend to focus on playful and physical elements of relationship Women more likely to report euphoria and to focus on the intimacy involved and well being of the other Companionate love –Affection we feel for those whom our lives are intertwined © Joe Polillio

13. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. The Difference: PASSION FascinationLovers are preoccupied with each other and tend to think about each other even when they should be involved in other activities. ExclusivenessLovers have a special relationship that precludes having the same relationship with a third party. Sexual desireLovers want physical intimacy with the partner. CARING Giving the utmostLovers care enough to give the utmost when the other is in need, sometimes to the point of extreme self- sacrifice. Being a champion advocate The depth of caring is reflected in the lovers active championship of each others interest and in a positive attempt to make sure that the partner succeeds.

14. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

15. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Passion The drive that leads to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena Characteristics –Tends to occur at beginning of relationship –Peaks quickly –Reduces to a stable level as a result of habituation

16. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Intimacy Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in loving relationships Characteristics: –Peaks slower than passion –Gradually reduces to low levels of manifest intimacy –Changes in circumstances activate this level to return it to previous levels and above

17. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Commitment the decision that one loves someone else and….the commitment to maintain that love Characteristics: –Rises relatively slowly at first –Eventually speeds up before leveling off –Where relationships fail: Commitment decreases gradually descending back toward baseline

18. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

19. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. KIND OF LOVE PASSIONINTIMACYCOMMITMENT NONLOVE--- LIKING-X- INFATUATION X-- EMPTY--X ROMANTICXX- COMPANIONATE -XX FATUOUSX-X CONSUMATE XXX

20. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Liking Sternberg says that this intimate liking characterizes true friendships, in which a person feels a bondedness, a warmth, and a closeness with another but not intense passion or long-term commitment.

21. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. KIND OF LOVE PASSIONINTIMACYCOMMITMENT NONLOVE--- LIKING-X- INFATUATION X-- EMPTY--X ROMANTICXX- COMPANIONATE -XX FATUOUSX-X CONSUMATE XXX

22. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Infatuated Love Infatuated love is often what is felt as love at first sight". But without the intimacy and the commitment components of love, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

23. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. KIND OF LOVE PASSIONINTIMACYCOMMITMENT NONLOVE--- LIKING-X- INFATUATION X-- EMPTY--X ROMANTICXX- COMPANIONATE -XX FATUOUSX-X CONSUMATE XXX

24. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Empty Love Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into empty love, in which the commitment remains, but the intimacy and passion have died. In cultures in which arranged marriages are common, relationships often begin as empty love.

25. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. KIND OF LOVE PASSIONINTIMACYCOMMITMENT NONLOVE--- LIKING-X- INFATUATION X-- EMPTY--X ROMANTICXX- COMPANIONATE -XX FATUOUSX-X CONSUMATE XXX

26. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Romantic and Companionate Love Romantic love: Romantic lovers are bonded emotionally (as in liking) and physically through passionate arousal. Companionate love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship, but a deep affection and commitment remain. It is stronger than friendship because of the extra element of commitment. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between deep friends or those who spend a lot of time together in any asexual but friendly relationship.

27. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. KIND OF LOVE PASSIONINTIMACYCOMMITMENT NONLOVE--- LIKING-X- INFATUATION X-- EMPTY--X ROMANTICXX- COMPANIONATE -XX FATUOUSX-X CONSUMATE XXX

28. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Fatuous and Consummate Love Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion, without the stabilizing influence of intimacy. Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing the ideal relationship toward which many people strive but which apparently few achieve.

29. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Maintaining Close Relationships Attachment –Secure versus avoidant/insecure attachment Equity –What you get out of a relationship should be equal to what is put in Self-disclosure –Revealing intimate aspects to your partner © Rob Nelson/Black Star

30. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Ending Relationships Who divorces? The detachment process

31. Attraction and Intimacy Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Body Self-Esteem