1. Emotionally Intelligent Consent Ed
Karen B. K. Chan
@karenbkchan
fluidexchange.org

2. Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are:
Signals
Logical
Not positive or negative
Complex, contradictory
Motivators for actions & choice

3. Emotional Intelligence
Key Tools:
Recognizing emotional reality
Naming emotions
Equanimity – suspending evaluation
Empathy
Expression
Regulation

4. Photo of a child
“Sharing makes me sad”

5. Consent is sexy. And…? You can’t tell someone how to feel
Saying no is hard
Saying yes is hard (as is asking)

6. Photo of a clear road leading to mountains
Photo of a large rock blocking a clear road
“Sexual consent is easy, sexy, simple. Do it!”
“Sexual consent can be challenging, awkward, new. And it leads to a good place”

7. Photo of a lit up road sign saying
“PUT IT DOWN”

8. Photo of a lit up road sign saying
“STOP TEXTING AND
DRIVING”

9. Tell them what to do instead
What needs were met before?
Realistic options that address needs
Ask: How will you meet your need given this new information?

10. Photo of a lit up road sign saying DON’T TEXT
TEXT STOP
5 MILES

11. Tell them you know what they think of you
Start where they are
Escort them from A to B
You may think
this is ridiculous
More people do it
than you think
Do it

12. Tell them you know what they think of others
Perceived norm
(perception
of others)
Actual norm
(self-report)
4500 students.
I would respect someone who intervened to prevent sexual assault.
Most students at my school would respect someone who intervened to prevent a sexual assault.
I would feel comfortable intervening if I witnessed abusive behavior.
Most students at my school would feel comfortable intervening if they witnessed abusive behavior.
Haven Impact Report. Kansas State University

13. Tell them you know what they think of others
More people do it
than you think
You might think…
You might be feeling…
Many people worry…
Some parents would say… Teenagers generally want…
I know you’re thinking…
You are going to say…
Everyone knows…
No parent likes to feel…
Teenagers want…
4500 students.
I would respect someone who intervened to prevent sexual assault.
Most students at my school would respect someone who intervened to prevent a sexual assault.
I would feel comfortable intervening if I witnessed abusive behavior.
Most students at my school would feel comfortable intervening if they witnessed abusive behavior.

14. Everyone has to get used to it
Asking is new, answering is also new
Recognize patriarchal dynamic (one up, one down)
Recognize chronic inappropriate sexual boundaries as part of gender roles

15. We need to highlight the role women play in perpetuating and sustaining patriarchal culture so that we will recognize patriarchy as a system women and men support equally, even if men receive more rewards from that system.
Dismantling and changing patriarchal culture is work that men and women must do together.
bell hooks

16. Connect with masculinity
Social connections are important
Articulate pressures and pains
Humanize masculine people
The right to say no
Articulate aspirations

17. “Someone who can’t take
REJECTION ”

18. Build rejection resilience
Seeking consent = possible rejection
Like physical pain
Sexual realms represent self worth
Healthy relationship to this pain?
Masculinity’s relationship to pain

19. Start with rejection literacy
Name it
Notice it
“Panic zone” reactions mask rejection
Insecurity requires attention and care
Attack others
Attack self
Withdraw
Freeze/
Avoid

20. Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry
Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness.
bell hooks

21. Cultivate guilt resilience
Not only how to set boundaries
Tolerating guilt, witnessing reaction
Panic zone reactions
Attack others
Freeze/
Avoid
Withdraw
Attack self
Is what is missing the information that we “can say no”???

22. Make room for regret etc.
Regret vs. Nonconsent
Awkwardness, confusion, and emptiness
REGRETFUL DISAPPOINTED
EMBARASSED
HAPPY
CONFUSED
DESIRED
WANTED
DURING 8 65 6 17
AFTER 35 27 11 2
Paul and Hayes The casualties of casual sex.

23. Create space for accountability
Who might be a perpetrator?
Accountability allows for healing, letting go
What to do if you’ve hurt someone
Me.
Story: “is someone coming?”

24. Thank you! @karenbkchan fluidexchange.org