1. Strategies for Dealing with Challenging Parents and Students
John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Department of Counselor Education, University of Montana – Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

2. Why a Workshop for Working with Parents?
Opening survey
It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents
Parents have special needs and interests
Parents can be critical consumers
Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

3. Workshop Overview This workshop is rated “PG”
A blend of personal discoveries and evidence
Caveats and excuses
This is YOUR workshop
Talking and not talking – Practice
Communicate respectfully
We will never get finished

4. Workshop Plan: Review and Practice 8 Easy Steps
1. Channel Your Wisdom and Common Sense 2. Get Curious, Not Furious 3. A Way of Being with Parents 4. Understand and Embrace Your Power 5. Cultivate Self-Awareness 6. Use Magic Words and Strategies 7. Set Limits 8. Problem Solve with Parents and Students

5. Role Play Volunteer
Come up and tell me about some hassles you’re facing at work (and feel free to exaggerate!!).
Debriefing
What did John do?
How did it work?
What dynamic was operating?

6. Channel Your Common Wisdom
Working effectively with parents partly boils down to relationship common sense
Avoid being too bossy or insulting
Avoid implying that people are being stupid or silly
Avoid backing people into corners
And DO NOT live by the Satanic Golden Rule

7. Common Wisdom II
The Satanic Golden Rule

8. Common Wisdom III Trivia Questions What is the Satanic Golden Rule?
*What is a significant problem or flaw associated with living by the SGR?

9. Common Wisdom IV Answers Revenge stimulates revenge – It never ends
You give away your power and become a negative follower instead of a positive leader
And the winner is !

10. Common Wisdom V Create your own positive respect bubble
And watch out for the REVENGE IMPULSE
How does this apply to students?
Common wisdom = Caring and interest

11. Get Curious, Not Furious
What Makes a Difficult Parent Difficult?
Five Minute Brainstorm
Tell each other stories
Generate a short list of WHY you think difficult parents are difficult?
Bring it back to the big group

12. Get Curious, Not Furious II
Your BEST Explanation for Difficult Parents
Divorce class story

13. Get Curious, Not Furious III
Why Do We Need an Explanation?
To address problems we need to understand them (and not just react)
Our plan needs to address underlying dynamics
We carry around our own implicit theories anyway – we need to make them explicit
Our implicit theories are (usually) insensitive and unempathic

14. A Common Theory** I’d like you to join with me
Parents can be highly insecure [inferiority/superiority dynamics]
Parents can be very protective
They have distinct expectations
This results in parents being highly reactive
Why is this good news??
They will react to your E and C

15. A Way of Being with Parents
The Principles
Empathic understanding – Avoid premature problem-solving
Radical acceptance – Avoid judgment
Collaboration – Work with, not on
Bonus principle – Counterconditioning**
Double bonus principle – USE MAGIC WORDS
Summary: Listen before you educate

16. A Way of Being with Parents
Empathy x 2: There are two forms of empathy with parents
General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example
Specific – Clean your room story
Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story
**What words should you NEVER say??**

17. What Parents Hear “I understand” really means:
“I’m magnificent and you’re pathetic” Or
“I know what you’re going through”
“Have you ever. . .” really means:
“I know all about what you should be doing” or
“You’re too dull-witted to know what I know”

18. A Way of Being with Parents
Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT)
“I accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change”
Don’t say this, but BELIEVE IN IT especially when parents say something extreme

19. A Way of Being with Parents
Radical Acceptance as Skill
Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.”
Teacher Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

20. A Way of Being with Parents
Radical Acceptance Follow-Up
Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.”
Teacher Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.”
Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

21. A Way of Being with Parents
Practicing Radical Acceptance
Group participation – Volunteer example
“Thank you. . .” or “I appreciate. . .”
What words work well for you?
Practice this. It won’t happen spontaneously

22. A Way of Being with Parents
Ten-Minutes of Acceptance
Radical acceptance requires lots of practice
Take turns (5 min each) listening to each other – You can role play or just be yourself
Your listening goal: To convey acceptance and respect That’s all! [NO OPINIONS!]
Be ready to report back if you want to

23. A Way of Being with Parents
Collaboration: How do we facilitate collaboration?
Collaboration as attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly [Difficult]
Ask permission
Tell parents YOU WANT TO work with them
Tell parents you respect their knowledge

24. Counterconditioning Find your counter-conditioning mojo
Case: Ty and the Big Trauma Boy
One BIG hurdle is ANXIETY (or fear)
How do we get reluctant students and parents comfortable with us?

25. **The Counterconditioning Model
In 1924, Mary Cover Jones concluded:
“We found unqualified success in removing fear with only two strategies”
We associated the fear-object with a craving-object and replaced the fear
[Using] social imitation we allowed children to share social activity with a group of “high prestige” children

26. **What did Jones use with Peter?
_____________?
Challenging students and parents are aversively conditioned to teachers and counselors!
We should use counterconditioning to get them comfortable in the room with us
What do you use? What will you use?

27. **The Bonus Way of Being**
We should use counterconditioning
to get people
comfortable
with us

28. A Way of Being with Parents The Philosophy
Because parents are vulnerable . . .
We are (1) empathic, (2) accepting, (3) collaborative, and (4) use counter conditioning [with students, add care + interest + genuine]
We look for positive goals and love [Reframe] underneath anger and imperfect parenting
We join with difficult parents to support their children’s education

29. Understand and Embrace Your Power: A Teacher Influence Model
What parents want
Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)
How you influence parents and student And how parents influence their children

30. Embrace Your Power: Reasons to Behave
To mitigate reasons for misbehaving (attention, power, revenge, inadequacy), teachers need to provide parents (and students) with:
A Sense of Belonging; and
Feelings of Usefulness

31. Embrace Your Power I Direct Power Grandma’s Rule
Do it now! [Whisper story]
Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment [Most people do this backward]
Give it (rewards), Take it (privileges)
Pre-set Rules with Consequences (Math books)

32. Embrace Your Power II Indirect Power
The new attitude (eliminate the dread)
Modeling
Encouragement
Character feedback
Give choices

33. Embrace Your Power III Problem-Solving Power
Solution talk: How did you?
Behavioral alternatives
What has worked before?
Mutual problem-solving – Later
Class-generated rules
Educational offerings: TEDx, PPPP, etc. [Would you watch, listen, and tell me what you think]

34. Montana’s Own Parenting Podcast
Name
Description
Released
Price 1
Talking with Children about Life & Death
Episode 13
4/17/2017
Free
View in iTunes 2
Teens & Depression
Episode 12
4/3/2017 3
When Teens Talk Back
Episode 11
3/20/2017 4
Let's Do The Sex Talk Again
Episode 10
3/6/2017 5
Post-Partum Depression – It’s Harder than You Think
Episode 9
2/20/2017 6
Divorce and Shared Parenting
Episode 8
2/6/2017 7
Love, Sex, Babies, and Happiness
Episode 7
1/23/2017 8
The Challenges of Step-Parenting
Episode 6
1/8/2017 9
Sleep Well in 2017 & Beyond
Episode 5
12/26/2016

35. Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast

36. Embrace Your Power IV Relationship Power
Everyday connection and greeting
Recreation and play (and food**)
Special time – Later
A favor or I.O.U.
Guilt (I’m disappointed)

37. Embrace Your Power: Guidelines
Emphasize belonging
Emphasize usefulness
Use a balance of power strategies
Have high hopes, but realistic expectations
Lean on your colleagues for support
Remember what’s important

38. Power Pyramid
Direct
Indirect
Prob Solving
Relationship

39. Cultivate Self-Awareness: What Can Go Wrong?
A parent pushes your buttons
You lose your cool
You forget how to apply a technique or strategy
You fall into the natural pattern of backward behavior modification
Parents engage in threatening behaviors
Others?

40. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Preparation
Preparing for button-pushing
Get in small groups
Share your BIG emotional buttons
Report to the big group

41. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Preparation II
Responding to questions about credentials or competence (or lack of parenthood)
Reflect the message
Acknowledge reality
Offer an invitation for collaboration
Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

42. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Preparation III
Four (or more) paths to calmness
Calming songs
What works for you?
**I feel my anger and see my anger**
**I’m just going to listen to you for a while**

43. Magic Words and Strategies
Volunteer
Observers track and identify anything they think John does that might defuse the parent’s strong emotions

44. Magic Words and Strategies II
Listen with respect
Use radical validation: “Of course you’re angry. This situation that could make anyone angry.”
Show VAGUE empathy: “This situation is clearly very upsetting to you.”
Side with the emotion—not the behavior

45. Magic Words and Strategies III
Join the Parent
“I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _”
Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that can really upset me too.”

46. Magic Words and Strategies IV
Ask permission
Acknowledge expertise
Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy]
Use experimental language – Try together?
Use proactive calls

47. Magic Words and Strategies V
Time for Practice
Get a partner
Be difficult, but not too difficult
Take time-out to discuss and debrief as needed
Check back in

48. Set Limits Remember: You’re the boss
You set the limits on what’s appropriate and not appropriate in your setting.

49. Set Limits II (practice these)
Be the boss you’d like to have yourself.
You can be direct or use distraction to shift the mood and change the situation [Voice example]
Give a choice: You can sit down or leave or go see the principal – you choose.
Set the limit – By asking the parent/student: “What will happen if . . .?”
Set the limit – By stating it yourself

50. Problem-Solve with Parents and Students
Join with the parents/students to discuss how they can comply: “You have to follow the rules, but how can we work this out?”
Hope along with the parent/student for a positive outcome: “I really hope you (we) can succeed with this.”

51. Problem-Solve with Parents and Students
Nurture the parent’s/student’s “Protective Factors” – What strengths does the person have to apply to this difficult situation?
Express your belief in the parent’s ability to comply and succeed: “I know you can do this.”
Don’t be isolated; get help as needed

52. Problem-Solve with Parents and Students
Final Demonstration
Who can be a difficult parent?
Or shall we apply this to the classroom now?
Mutual Problem-Solving: Don’t get hung up on the outcomes
Partner and practice

53. The Review (and Application)
Channel Your Common Wisdom
Get Curious, Not Furious
A Way of Being with Parents
Understand and Embrace Your Power
Cultivate Self-Awareness
Choose to Defuse [Use Magic Words]
Set Limits
Problem-Solve with Parents and Students

54. Closing Comments Closing story – That dog don’t hunt
What will you remember?
What will you try out?
You’re the kind of teachers

55. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to:
To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com

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