1. Workshop: Writing to achieve clarity and grace

2. Better writing makes a big difference
Compare the following two sentences:
Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors.
We could better evaluate how those with learning disorders respond to treatment if we could standardize an index that accurately describes how they behave.

3. References
The examples in this talk are mostly taken from these four books:
Joseph M. Williams, Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace
William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, The Elements of Style

4. Example 1 Which of the following do you prefer? Why?
The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole.
A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
Common structure: subject + verb ( + object)
Try underlining the subject and highlighting the verb

5. Example 1: Answer
In the following, the subjects are underlined, and the verbs boldfaced.
The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole.
A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.

6. Tip #1: Avoid long subjects
In the following: the subjects are underlined, and the verbs boldfaced.
a. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole.
b. A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
Your readers prefer sentences with the following grammar: subject + verb [ + object ]. The longer the subject of your sentence, the more effort they will have to put in to parse your sentence.

7. Example 2 Compare the following two sentences
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.

8. Example 2: Step 1: Subject and Verb
Underline the subjects and highlight the verbs.
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
Which one do you like?
Subject and verb as in grammar: S + V (+ O)

9. Example 2: Step 1: Result
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.

10. Characters and actions
Every story needs characters and actions

11. More on characters and actions
Consider these:
Once upon a time, there was Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and a Wolf. The end.
Once upon a time, a walk through the woods happened, when a jump out from behind a tree caused fright.
Once upon a time, a walk through the woods by Little Red Ridding Hood to Grandma’s house happened, when a Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and caused fright in her.
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods to Grandma’s house, when a Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.

12. More on characters and actions: #2
Consider these:
Once upon a time, there was Little Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and Wolf. The end.
Once upon a time, a walk through the woods happened, when a jump out from behind a tree caused fright
Once upon a time, a walk through the woods by Little Red Ridding Hood to Grandma’s house happened, when Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree caused fright in her.
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods to Grandma’s house, when Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her.

13. Example 2: Step 2a: Characters
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
Who are the characters?

14. Example 2: Step 2a: Result
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
Characters  the Federalists, fractions, popular democracy
Notice that these characters are the grammatical subjects in (b) but they are not in (a)
In Sentence (b), the actions are verbs

15. Example 2: Step 2b: Actions
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of *fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
What are the actions of these characters?

16. Example 2: Step 2b: Result
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
Actions: argument, destabilization, belief, tendency, further
Notice that these actions are nouns in (a) but verbs in (b)

17. Tip #2: Help your readers find the characters and the actions
Every story needs characters and actions
In general, the characters should appear as the grammatical subjects of your sentences. Their actions should be expressed as the verbs of your sentences.

18. Nominalization Nominalization: verbs or adjectives become nouns
E.g. verbs become nouns
Argue  argument
Destabilize  destabilization
E.g. adjectives become nouns
Careless  carelessness
Different  difference
E.g. adding –ing to a verb (gerund)
She flies  her flying
We sang  our singing
E.g. notes: some nominalizations are identical to their corresponding verb:
Lack  lack
Need  need

19. Nominalization Notice how verbs in (b) become nouns in (a)
The Federalists' argument that the destabilization of government was a consequence of popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of fractions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that fractions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.

20. Example 3
Underline any nominalized verbs in the following:
Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors.

21. Example 3: Answer
Underline any nominalized verbs in the following:
Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors.

22. Tip #3: Avoid unnecessary nominalization
Compare:
Better evaluation of responses to treatment modalities depends on the standardization of an index allowing accurate descriptions of learning disorder behaviors.
We could better evaluate how those with learning disorders respond to treatment if we could standardize an index that accurately describes how they behave.

23. Useful nominalization
Nominalization is useful if a nominalized verb:
is in a subject that refers to a previous sentence:
These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim.
can replace an awkward The fact that:
The fact that she acknowledged the problem impressed me
Her acknowledgment of the problem impressed me.
saves words when it names what would be the object of the verb:
I accepted what she requested.
I accepted her request.
refers to a concept so familiar that the concept itself is almost a character
Few problems have so divided us as abortion on demand.
The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections.
Taxation without representation was not central to the Revolution.

24. Useful nominalization
Nominalization is useful if a nominalized verb:
is in a subject that refers to a previous sentence:
These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim.
can replace an awkward The fact that:
The fact that she acknowledged the problem impressed me
Her acknowledgment of the problem impressed me.
saves words when it names what would be the object of the verb:
I accepted what she requested.
I accepted her request.
refers to a concept so familiar that the concept itself is almost a character
Few problems have so divided us as abortion on demand.
The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections.
Taxation without representation was not central to the Revolution.

25. Example 4
Compare the following two sentences. Which one do you prefer? Why?
Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method, while now the laboratory method is employed.
Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method; while now it is taught by the laboratory method.

26. Tip #4: Express coordinate ideas in similar form
Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method, while now the laboratory method is employed.
Formerly, science was taught by the textbook method; while now it is taught by the laboratory method.
In (b), the author chose one form (“science was/is taught by …”) and held to it. In (a), the author gave the impression that he is undecided or timid.

27. Can you see why the following is problematic?
Example 5
Can you see why the following is problematic?
The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window; it was cracked already.
(Hint: the problem is with the “it”.)

28. Tip #5: Be careful with pronouns
Pronouns: he, she, it, they, this, that, etc
A pronoun refers back to something that has already been mentioned.
Make sure that your pronoun refers to the right thing!
Make sure that your pronoun is not dangling
The problem of dangling pronoun is very common.

29. Tip #5: Be careful with pronouns (cont’d)
If a pronoun matches the subject of the previous sentence, then it denotes that subject. (In (a), the word “it” denotes “the ball”.)
a. The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window; it was cracked already.
b. The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window; the window was cracked already.
c. The ball bounced off the pavement and through the window, which was cracked already.

30. Tip #5: Be careful with pronouns (cont’d)
a. A web client sends an HTTP request to a web server. It typically specifies the method GET or POST.
b. A web client sends an HTTP request to a web server, which typically specifies the method GET or POST.
c. A web client sends an HTTP request to a web server. The request typically specifies the method GET or POST.
d. A web client sends to a web server an HTTP request, which typically specifies the method GET or POST. X

31. Pronouns: more examples
Which one is problematic?
John has broken his leg. He’ll be in hospital for a few days.
John has got a new girl-friend. She works in a garage.
John met Peter last year. He was a student at that time.
John was a student when he met Peter last year.
Peter was a student when John met him last year.

32. Revisiting Tip #4: Express coordinate ideas in similar form: Example 4b
Try rewriting the following
My objections are, first, the injustice of the measure; second, that it is unconstitutional.
My objections are, first, the injustice of the measure; second, the unconstitutionality of the measure.
(However, the word “measure” is repeated twice)
My objections are, first, the injustice of the measure; second, the unconstitutionality of it.
(Now, the pronoun “it” is problematic.)
My objections are, first, that the measure is unjust; second, that it is unconstitutional.
(Good)

33. Example 6
What is the problem of the following sentence?
a. The XYZ module was built.

34. Missing agents
The problem of (a) is that the agent of the action is missing.
a. The XYZ module was built.
b. The XYZ module was built by us.
But then, why not write in the active voice?
c. We built the XYZ module.

35. Active vs passive: more examples
Sir John Latton built this house in
This house was built in 1486 (by Sir John Latton).
A friend of ours is repairing the roof.
The roof is being repaired (by a friend of ours).
This book will change your life.
Your life will be changed by this book.
We designed and implemented an extension to the ABC system.
An extension to the ABC system was designed and implemented (by us).

36. Tip #6: Prefer the active voice
The active voice is usually more direct and vigorous than the passive voice.
It also discourages the problem of missing agents
(But there are notable exceptions)

37. Sometimes, however, the passive voice is preferred
You purposely omit the agent. E.g.:
The president was rumored to have considered resigning.
Too many books have been written about the Second World War.
An extension to the ABC system was designed and implemented (by students of last year -- we just took it and used it.).
You want to keep the subject short. E.g.:
A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
(c.f. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. )

38. Sometimes the passive voice is preferred (cont’d)
Sometimes you choose the voice according to the character (the subject) you choose
‘Nice picture.’ ‘Yes, it was painted by my grandmother.’
‘Nice picture.’ ‘Yes, my grandmother painted it.’
The dramatists of the Restoration are little esteemed today.
Modern readers have little esteem for the dramatists of the Restoration.

39. Example 7 What is the problem with the following?
Do not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.

40. Example 7: Redundancy
Exercise: In the following, when you find a word A that is redundant in the presence of another word B, underline B and highlight A.
E.g. anticipate in advance
Do not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.

41. Example 7: Redundancy Result:
Do not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.
Try rewriting it!

42. Eg 7: Removing redundancy
Do not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society because past history shows that it is the eventual outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more.
Do not try to anticipate revolutionary events because history shows that the outcome of minor events surprises us more.

43. Tip #7: Omit needless words
Omit words that mean little, that repeat other words, or that can be replaced by a phrase. Omit words whose meaning your reader can infer from other words.

44. C8
Example 8
Compare the following two paragraphs. Which one do you prefer? Why?
Macbeth was very ambitious. This led him to wish to become king of Scotland. The witches told him that this wish of his would come true. The king of Scotland at this time was Duncan. Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth murdered Duncan. He was thus enable to succeed Duncan as king.
Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth achieved his ambition and realized the prediction of the witches by murdering Duncan and becoming king of Scotland in his place.

45. Tip #8: Be clear, not be simple-minded
(a) uses too many simple sentences; (b) uses a slightly more complex sentence structure, but overall it is more elegant.
Macbeth was very ambitious. This led him to wish to become king of Scotland. The witches told him that this wish of his would come true. The king of Scotland at this time was Duncan. Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth murdered Duncan. He was thus enable to succeed Duncan as king.
Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth achieved his ambition and realized the prediction of the witches by murdering Duncan and becoming king of Scotland in his place.

46. Example 9a What is the problem of this sentence?
You can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner for just sixty cents.
 What costs sixty cents? The dinner or the call?
How would you rewrite the sentence?

47. Example 9a: Suggested Answer
Rewriting (a) into (b)
You can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner for just sixty cents.
For just sixty cents you can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner.

48. Tip #9: Keep related words together
You can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner for just sixty cents.
For just sixty cents you can call your mother in London and tell her all about George’s taking you out to dinner.

49. Keep related words together: Eg 9b
What is the problem of this sentence? How would you rewrite it?
New York’s first commercial human-sperm bank opened Friday with semen samples from 18 men frozen in a stainless steel tank.

50. Eg 9b: Suggested Answer Rewriting (a) into (b)
New York’s first commercial human-sperm bank opened Friday with semen samples from 18 men frozen in a stainless steel tank.
New York’s first commercial human-sperm bank opened Friday when semen samples were taken from 18 men. The samples were then frozen and stored in a stainless steel tank.

51. Editing your own prose
It is very important that you re- read and re-write your own prose.
However, you may be your worse editor. Why?
Because you know your material too well ! You may forget that you know something that your readers don’t know.
Solution: sidestep your own understanding; use a formulaic approach to diagnose your own prose

52. Tip #10: Use a formulaic approach to diagnose your own prose
Formulaic diagnoses -- some possibilities:
Underline the first 7 or 8 words of every sentence. If you don’t see a character as the subject, rewrite your prose
Underline every occurrence nominalization and see if it should be changed into a verb
Check all pronouns
Check if related words have been kept together

53. Example 10
Underline the subjects and highlight all nominalized verbs:
Our analysis of the results of the experiment did not provide an explanation of its failure, because our data collection lacked the precision needed.

54. Example 10: Step 1
Result:
Our analysis of the results of the experiment did not provide an explanation of its failure, because our data collection lacked the precision needed.
Now try rewriting it
When we analyzed the results of the experiment, we could not explain why it failed, because we did not collect data precisely.

55. Principles of Composition vs. Rules of Usage
So far we discussed some principles of composition.
However, to write well, you also need to know many rules of usage.
Example: Rule: Use the proper articles (a/an/the):
We live in small house.
We live in a small house.
The life is complicated.
Life is complicated.

56. Principles of Composition vs. Rules of Usage (Cont’d)
Main concerns: Clarity and Grace
You make explicit choices for better effects.
Rules of Usage:
Main concern: Correctness
You need to develop an ability to know whether a given word order, sentence, or term is correct.
There are many rules of usage. Strunk and White has 11 rules, Dupre has 150 chapters, and Swan has over 600 articles.
Sometimes you can write correctly without knowing the exact rules  develop your “ears”

57. Rules of Usage: Example U1: Articles (a/an/the)
Can you rewrite this?
Please can you lend me pound of butter till end of week?

58. Articles (a/an/the): the answer
Please can you lend me pound of butter till end of week?
Please can you lend me a pound of butter till the end of the week?
Articles:
a/an (indefinite article)
the (definite article) (= ‘we know which one(s))
some/any (plural form of a/an)
no article

59. Rules of Usage: Example U2
Can you rewrite this?
The best way to see a country, unless you are pressed for time is to travel on foot.

60. Rules of Usage: Example U2 (cont’d)
Parenthetic expressions:
The best way to see a country, unless you are pressed for time is to travel on foot.
The best way to see a country, unless you are pressed for time, is to travel on foot.
 Enclose a parenthetic expression between a pair of commas.
For more information, please read [Strunk and White] Chapter I.3

61. Rules of Usage: Example U3
Do these two sentences mean the same?
The ABC computer that has the most bells and whistles will sell fastest.
The ABC computer, which has the most bells and whistles, will sell fastest.

62. “Which” versus “That”
“That” identifies the objects about which you are speaking, whereas “which” merely provides further information about those objects. (“That”  restrictive clause; “which”  nonrestrictive clause)
The ABC computer that has the most bells and whistles will sell fastest.
(There are several types of ABC computers. Among them the one that will sell fastest is the one with the most features.)
The ABC computer, which has the most bells and whistles, will sell fastest.
(There is only one ABC computer. It has the most features, and it will sell fastest.)
C.f. [Dupre] Chapter 17
Note that you should enclose a “which” clause by a pair of commas.

63. Summary #1 Principles of composition (some examples)
Avoid long subjects
Help your readers find the characters and the actions
Avoid unnecessary nominalization
Express coordinate ideas in similar form
Be careful with pronouns
Prefer the active voice
Omit needless words
Be clear, not be simple-minded
Keep related words together
Use a formulaic approach to diagnose your own prose

64. The End