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Genderalizations John R. Williams Genderalizations How to Best Ask for and Receive Support from the Opposite Sex JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Man & Woman Need Each Other
Genderalizations “Man is born to meet woman and woman is born to meet man. And man and woman together are born to combine with a higher level of love, God's love. Neither man nor woman can touch God's higher love by themselves.” Father One benefit of marriage is the “distinctive honesty, realism, and wisdom taught by each sex to the other.” Michael Novak Man & Woman Need Each Other JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Well Do You Know Male & Female Differences?
Genderalizations How Well Do You Know Male & Female Differences? True or False? Men have a better sense of direction Women have a better memory for details Men talk more than women in a mixed crowd Women can better pack many things into a van Men can find things better in the fridge Women rate their marriages higher than their husbands Men’s arms are straighter Women’s ring fingers show estrogen levels at birth Female brains are more interconnected Men have stronger immune systems Women can read others’ emotions better Men’s brains are 90% active when resting vs. women’s 30% Women fall harder in love at first sight JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Traits Related to Male Testosterone
Competitive, persistent to achieve Pragmatic, tough-minded, objective Decisive and direct Able to deeply focus attention Adept at managing things and spaces Ingenious at solving problems Understands machines and other rule-based systems Good at rational analysis, logical reasoning Sexual focus Traits Related to Male Testosterone
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Traits Related to Female Estrogen
Cooperative and accommodating Instinctively knows what others are thinking and feeling Expressive face and voice Analytical about thoughts and motives Sees things in context, as interconnected Tolerates ambiguity Flexible Intuitive Verbally fluent Diplomatic Traits Related to Female Estrogen
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Which Are Top Love Needs for Women? For Men?
Genderalizations Which Are Top Love Needs for Women? For Men? Trust & Autonomy Emotional Connection Affection Sexual Satisfaction Appreciation & Admiration Conversation Honesty & Openness Respect Security Shared Recreation Adapted from Willard Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, and Steven Stosny & Pat Love, How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Genderalizations 1. Emotional Connection 2. Affection 3. Honesty & Openness 4. Conversation 5. Security Related fears: Not being beautiful Disconnection; abandonment Physical risk Being overwhelmed by too many things to do Among Top Female Needs JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Among Top Male Needs 1. Respect 2. Appreciation & Admiration
Genderalizations 1. Respect 2. Appreciation & Admiration 3. Shared Recreation 4. Sexual Satisfaction 5. Trust & Autonomy Related fears: Making no difference; incompetence Failure to protect and provide Emotional flooding Among Top Male Needs JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Loving the Opposite Sex May Mean Giving What You Wouldn’t Want
Genderalizations John R. Williams Men and women react to stress differently So they cope and desire support in almost opposite ways They offer support in the way they like to receive it The Golden Rule: Give what you would want to receive The Platinum Rule: Give what the other needs even if you can’t understand it Loving the Opposite Sex May Mean Giving What You Wouldn’t Want JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Gender Differences Regarding Support
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How Do Women Like to Deal with a Problem or Stress?
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How Women Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress I
Genderalizations John R. Williams Female stress response: Tend & Befriend 1. Women prefer to talk about a distressing situation Explore their thoughts and feelings Connect with others by sharing problems So she thinks that her man needs to talk when upset How Women Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress I JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Women Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress II
Genderalizations John R. Williams Female stress response: Tend & Befriend 2. Women like to gather ideas from others to solve problems So she consults others to help him and offers her suggestions freely when she sees he has a problem How Women Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress II JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Do Men Like to Deal with a Problem or Stress?
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How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress I
Genderalizations John R. Williams Men’s stress response: Fix, Fight or Flight 1. Men like to take action to fix problems, if possible Only mentioning problems when they want help So he offers solutions when she shares some distress How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress I JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress II
Genderalizations John R. Williams Men’s stress response: Fix, Fight or Flight 2. When ready, men tend to tackle problems by themselves They mull over it, talking only to gather needed information and then later to report the outcome So he wants to give her space to be alone when she is troubled How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress II JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress III
Genderalizations John R. Williams Men’s stress response: Fix, Fight or Flight 3. If necessary, men often like to retreat from a problem to address it later Relieve stress through distractions So he tells his woman to think of something else when upset How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress III JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress IV
Genderalizations John R. Williams Men’s stress response: Fix, Fight or Flight 4. Men also tend to conserve energy, and focus only on what is most important So he reassures her that her concern is not important enough for her to feel so stressed How Men Like to Respond to a Problem or Stress IV JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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What Does He Need? Taka had a big job interview today. Merly had texted him her best wishes at midday and he had thanked her. She had heard nothing more. Now she hears him come home and slip past her into the bedroom. “How did it go?,” she asks him. “Not so good,” he answers, glued to his computer.
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Offering Support
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Rules for Giving Support to a Man
Genderalizations John R. Williams 1. Give him permission not to talk about it Don’t push him to talk Let him know you are available when he wants to 2. Ask, “What do you think,” not “How do you feel?” He may not know his feelings, or it may not seem helpful to explore them 3. Avoid pointing out his failure He probably knows very well 4. Express trust in his ability: “I believe in you” Don’t offer suggestions unless he asks Rules for Giving Support to a Man JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Rules for Men Receiving Support
Genderalizations John R. Williams If you need time alone or to distract yourself, remind your woman that it is temporary Share something of your thoughts and feelings so your wife feels emotionally connected If you have made a mistake, apologize Rules for Men Receiving Support JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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What Does She Need? Merly had a big job interview today. Taka had been tied up at work all day and comes home to find her quietly making dinner. “How did it go?,” he asks her. “Not so good,” she answers, chopping vegetables and not looking at him.
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Rules for Giving Support to a Woman I
Genderalizations John R. Williams 1. Invite her to talk, so she can feel better She needs to feel you understand her 2. Listen with all of your attention Turn from other activities and look at her Offer signs of listening and encouragement to talk 3. Don’t expect to necessarily follow her logic She may just be releasing stress in many areas of her life at once Rules for Giving Support to a Woman I JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Rules for Giving Support to a Woman II
Genderalizations John R. Williams 4. Don’t “fix” her negative feelings Don’t tell her not to feel the way she does 5. Offer physical affection Hold her hand, or give her a hug 6. Serve her with many small, thoughtful gestures Helps her feel less overwhelmed Rules for Giving Support to a Woman II JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Rules for Woman Receiving Support
Genderalizations John R. Williams Remind your man that he is not to blame for all that feels difficult in your life at the moment Tell him if he is not expected to fix your problems Express appreciation for his listening, and how it helps you Rules for Woman Receiving Support JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Asking For Support
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How Do Men & Women Differ Regarding Asking for Help?
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How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help I
Genderalizations John R. Williams 1. Women like to receive offers of support They tend to actively anticipate others’ needs and try to meet those needs without being asked So she assumes he would see her need and help She delays asking for help until she is resentful and then she sounds critical How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help I JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help II
Genderalizations John R. Williams 2. Men like to be self-sufficient Asking for support can seem weak or incompetent Unsolicited advice looks the same So he may not offer her support unless asked How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help II JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Rules for Asking Men for Support I
Genderalizations John R. Williams 1. Make your request clear and simple No need for long reasons and justifications 2. Use “would you” and “will you” Avoid “could you” and “can you,” which question ability 3. Ask him to do “projects” He prefers specific tasks with a clear goal and ending That can be done independently, rather than constantly consulting you Rules for Asking Men for Support I JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Rules for Asking Men for Support II
Genderalizations John R. Williams 4. Express appreciation if he says yes If he does not follow through, assume it slipped his mind and remind him once 5. If he says no, accept it graciously He can easily hear requests as demands Don’t express disappointment right then or it looks like you are trying to control him through guilt Rules for Asking Men for Support II JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Rules for Asking Women for Support
Genderalizations John R. Williams 1. Ask clearly and briefly 2. If she says no, she is feeling overwhelmed She is likely to say yes even when feeling burdened 3. Offer an exchange of support “Would you please do ____ and is there something I could do in return to help you out?” 4. Express appreciation and love Rules for Asking Women for Support JohnWilliamsCounselor.com
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Discussion: What Applies to Us?
1. What “rules” for your gender seemed to apply to you? Share this with each other. 2. Has your mate given support in a way that you appreciated? Tell them.
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