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The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Genderalizations How to Best Ask for and Receive Support from the Opposite Sex The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 1
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRhVoghoME&fea ture=related (part 1)
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams ture=related (part 1) The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 2
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Man & Woman Need Each Other
Love Needs of Men & Women The Power of One John R. Williams Man & Woman Need Each Other “Man is born to meet woman and woman is born to meet man. And man and woman together are born to combine with a higher level of love, God's love. Neither man nor woman can touch God's higher love by themselves.” Father One benefit of marriage is the “distinctive honesty, realism, and wisdom taught by each sex to the other.” Michael Novak The Couples Learning Center John Williams coupleslearningcenter.com 3
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How Well Do You Know Male & Female Differences?
Love Needs of Men & Women The Power of One John R. Williams How Well Do You Know Male & Female Differences? True or False? Men have a better sense of direction Women have a better memory for details Men talk more than women in a mixed crowd Women can better pack many things into a van Men can find things better in the fridge Women rate their marriages higher than their husbands Men’s arms are straighter Women have 20% more red blood cells The two sides of female brains are more interconnected Men have stronger immune systems Women can read others’ emotions better Men’s brains are 90% active when resting vs. women’s 30% John Williams coupleslearningcenter.com The Couples Learning Center 4
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Which Are Top Love Needs for Women? For Men?
Love Needs of Men & Women The Power of One John R. Williams Which Are Top Love Needs for Women? For Men? Trust & Autonomy Connection Affection & Specialness Sexual Satisfaction Support at Home Acceptance & Appreciation Conversation Respect Security Shared Recreation Understanding Peace at Home John Williams coupleslearningcenter.com The Couples Learning Center 5
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Among Top Female Needs 1. Connection 2. Affection
Love Needs of Men & Women The Power of One John R. Williams Among Top Female Needs 1. Connection 2. Affection 3. Honesty & Openness 4. Shared Conversation 5. Security 6. Support at Home Related fears: Disconnection Isolation Threat Being overwhelmed John Williams coupleslearningcenter.com The Couples Learning Center 6
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Among Top Male Needs 1. Respect 2. Acceptance & Appreciation
Love Needs of Men & Women The Power of One John R. Williams Among Top Male Needs 1. Respect 2. Acceptance & Appreciation 3. Shared Recreation 4. Sexual Satisfaction 5. Peace at Home 6. Trust & Autonomy Related fears: Shame Incompetence Failure to protect and provide John Williams coupleslearningcenter.com The Couples Learning Center 7
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Loving the Opposite Sex May Mean Giving What You Wouldn’t Want
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Loving the Opposite Sex May Mean Giving What You Wouldn’t Want Men and women react to stress differently So they cope and desire support in almost opposite ways They offer support in the way they like to receive it The Golden Rule: Give what you would want to receive The Platinum Rule: Give what the other needs even if you can’t understand it The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 8
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How Do Women Like to Receive & Give Support?
The Power of One John R. Williams How Do Women Like to Receive & Give Support? The Couples Learning Center
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How Women Like to Receive & Give Support
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams How Women Like to Receive & Give Support Female stress response: Tend & Befriend 1. Women prefer to talk about a distressing situation Explore their thoughts and feelings Connect with others by sharing problems So she thinks that her man needs to talk when upset 2. Women like to gather ideas from others to solve problems So she offers her suggestion freely when she sees he has a problem The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 10
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How Do Men Like to Receive & Give Support?
The Power of One John R. Williams How Do Men Like to Receive & Give Support? The Couples Learning Center
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How Men Like to Receive & Give Support 1
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams How Men Like to Receive & Give Support 1 Men’s stress response: Fight or Flight 1. Men like to take action and fix problems Only mentioning problems when they want help So he offers solutions when she shares some distress 2. When ready, men tend to tackle problems by themselves They mull over it, talking only to gather needed information and then later to report the outcome So he wants to give her space to be alone when she is troubled The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 12
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How Men Like to Receive & Give Support 2
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams How Men Like to Receive & Give Support 2 Men’s stress response: Fight or Flight 3. Men often like to retreat from a problem to attack it later Relieve stress through distractions So he tells his woman to think of something else when upset 4. Men also tend to conserve energy, and focus only on what is most important So he reassures her that her concern is not important enough for her to feel so stressed The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 13
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The Power of One John R. Williams What Does He Need? Taka had a big job interview today. Merly had texted him her best wishes at midday and he had thanked her. She had heard nothing more. Now she hears him come home and slip past her into the bedroom. “How did it go?,” she asks him. “Not so good,” he answers, glued to his computer. The Couples Learning Center
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Offering Support The Power of One John R. Williams
The Couples Learning Center
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Rules for Giving Support to a Man
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Giving Support to a Man 1. Give him permission not to talk about it Don’t push him to talk Let him know you are available when he wants to 2. Ask, “What do you think,” not “How do you feel?” He either may not know his feelings, or it may not seem helpful to explore them 3. Avoid pointing out his mistake or failure He likely knows it very well 4. Express trust in his ability: “I believe in you” Don’t offer suggestions unless he asks The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 16
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Rules for Men Receiving Support
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Men Receiving Support If you need time alone or to distract yourself, remind your woman that it is temporary Share something of your thoughts and feelings so your wife feels emotionally connected If you have made a mistake, apologize The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 17
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The Power of One John R. Williams What Does She Need? Merly had a big job interview today. Taka had been tied up at work all day and comes home to find her quietly making dinner. “How did it go?,” he asks him. “Not so good,” she answers, chopping vegetables and not looking at him. The Couples Learning Center
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Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 1
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 1 1. Invite her to talk, so she can feel better She needs to feel you understand her 2. Listen with all of your attention Turn from other activities and look at her Offer signs of listening and encouragement to talk 3. Don’t expect to necessarily follow her logic She may just be releasing stress in many areas of her life at once The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 19
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Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 2
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 2 4. Don’t “fix” her negative feelings Don’t tell her not to feel the way she does 5. Offer physical affection Hold her hand, or give her a hug 6. Serve her with many small, thoughtful gestures Helps her feel less overwhelmed The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 20
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Rules for Woman Receiving Support
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Woman Receiving Support Remind your man that he is not to blame for all that feels difficult in your life at the moment Tell him if he is not expected to fix your problems Express appreciation for his listening, and how it helps you The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 21
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Asking For Support The Power of One John R. Williams
The Couples Learning Center
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How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help 1. Women like to receive offers of support They actively anticipate others’ needs and try to meet those needs without being asked So she assumes he would see her need and help She delays asking for help until she is resentful and then she sounds critical 2. Men like to be self-sufficient Asking for support can seem weak or incompetent Unsolicited advice looks the same So he may not offer her support unless asked The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 23
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Rules for Asking Men for Support
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Asking Men for Support 1. Make your request clear and simple No need for long reasons and justifications 2. Use “would you” and “will you” Avoid “could you” and “can you,” which question ability 3. Ask him to do “projects” He prefers specific tasks with a clear goal and ending That can be done independently, rather than constantly consulting you The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 24
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Rules for Asking Men for Support
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Asking Men for Support 4. Express appreciation if he says yes If he does not follow through, assume it slipped his mind and remind him once 5. If he says no, accept it graciously He can easily hear requests as demands Don’t express disappointment right then so it looks like you are trying to control him through guilt The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 25
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Rules for Asking Women for Support
The Power of One The Power of One John R. Williams John R. Williams Rules for Asking Women for Support 1. Ask clearly and briefly 2. If she says no, she is feeling overwhelmed She is likely to say yes even when feeling burdened 3. Offer an exchange of support “Would you please do ____ and is there something I could do in return to help you out?” 4. Express appreciation and love The Couples Learning Center The Couples Learning Center 26
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Discussion: What Applies to Us?
The Power of One John R. Williams Discussion: What Applies to Us? 1. What “rules” for your gender seemed to apply to you? Share this with each other. 2. Has your mate given support in a way that you appreciated? Tell them. The Couples Learning Center
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The Power of One John R. Williams The Couples Learning Center
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