1. Session 9: Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Coping with Emotions
Session 9: Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

2. Quick Review of Last Session
Last time we:
Looked at passive behaviour and aggressive behaviour
Thought about what we mean by being ‘assertive’
Discussed the ‘I want-they want’ ratio
Talked about the blocks to being effective in interpersonal relationships and situations
Considered some relationship myths and looked at how to handle toxic relationships
Quick Review of Last Session

3. Today’s aims: The six core interpersonal skills are:
Knowing what you want
Asking for what you want
Negotiating conflicting wants
Getting information
Saying no – in a way that protects the relationship
Acting according to your values
Today we will look at developing these skills
Today’s aims:

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Practicing new interpersonal skills will help you achieve the following results:
Help you be more effective in your dealings with people
Improve your ability to get your needs met
Help you negotiate conflicts without damaging a relationship
Strengthen your self-respect by giving you alternatives to old, damaging patterns of anger or withdrawal
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

5. Knowing What You Want
Interpersonal effectiveness begins with self- knowledge – being clear about what you feel and what you want
So let’s start with thinking about how we feel
It starts with identifying if a feeling is good or bad. Let’s see how many good and bad feelings we can list…
Sometimes, when we can’t quite work out what we are feeling, it can be useful to just think about whether the feeling is good or bad. If it’s bad, then we know something needs to be dealt with. Do you want something to stop? Does something need to change? What will it take to change how you feel so you no longer feel bad?

6. We’re going to work through from noticing a feeling to stating what you want
Laura got very angry after she found a big pile of her housemate’s washing up in the sink in the morning, meaning she couldn’t fill the kettle or wash up her own breakfast pots. This happened every morning.
What is Laura feeling?
What does she need her housemate to:
Do more of…
Do less of…
Stop doing…
Start doing…
When…
Where…
Frequency…
Knowing What You Want
Finally, let’s put all of this information into one or more clear sentences!

7. Now think about a recent experience where you had a bad feeling during an interaction
Write down and put the feeling into words
Next, think about what you would like the other person to change, and answer the following. You would like them to:
Do more…
Do less…
Stop doing…
Start doing…
When…
Where…
Frequency…
Finally, put all of this information into one or more clear sentences
Knowing What You Want

8. Your Legitimate Rights
The problem with getting clear and specific about your desires is that it brings up anxiety
Do you deserve to ask for things?
Do you dare trouble people with your needs?
Are you allowed to disappoint, annoy or push people to make an effort on your behalf?
Yes you do – every human being does!
Many people grow up in families that invalidate their needs. All their lives they feel afraid to ask for things, as if they were bad or undeserving
Your Legitimate Rights

9. Your Legitimate Rights
You will now be given a pack of ‘Legitimate Rights’ cards
Organise these into order of importance - Put the rights that are most important or liberating to you at the top. There are no right or wrong answers; this is about YOU are YOUR VIEWS
Next compare what you’ve got at the top with others in the group
You could make a note of the ones that are most important to you and put them up somewhere at home to remind yourself of your rights
Your Legitimate Rights

10. How you ask for things depends on the situation
How you ask for things depends on the situation. The intensity and level of insistence can vary based on two major factors:
On a scale of 1-10, how urgent is my need, where 1 is not at all urgent and 10 is very urgent
On a scale of 1-10, how vulnerable is the other person or the relationship, where 1 is very vulnerable and 10 is not at all vulnerable
You can be more or less forceful based on your assessment
Modulating Intensity

11. Making a Simple Request
Making simple requests can help you protect yourself and improve your quality of life
If you have trouble making such requests, you can end up feeling hopeless or resentful
There are four components to simple requests:
A brief justification – explain what the problem is
A softening statement – this establishes you as a reasonable person, polite and not demanding:
“Would you mind if…”
“It would be helpful if you could…”
“I’d appreciate it if…”
“I was wondering if…”
Making a Simple Request

12. Making a Simple Request
A direct, specific statement – Say what you want clearly and exactly
Leave emotion out of your voice, state it in a flat, matter-of-fact way
Don’t blame, or imply that anything’s wrong with the other person. Present your request as normal and reasonable
Keep it to one sentence; the more elaborate your request, the more likely it is you’ll run into resistance
An appreciation statement – This should reinforce the behaviour of the person saying yes to you – showing that you value what they are doing
“This will really help me out”
“This is much appreciated.”
Making a Simple Request

13. Making a Simple Request
Let’s create one on the board together that includes:
A brief justification (Explain what the problem is)
A softening statement (‘It would be helpful if…’)
A clear request of what you want
An appreciation statement
Making a Simple Request

15. Assertiveness is critical to maintaining healthy relationships
Assertiveness is critical to maintaining healthy relationships. Without it, you’ll be forced into passive or aggressive patterns that destroy the fabric of trust and intimacy
The four components to being assertive, two of which are optional:
Stating what you think
Stating what you feel (optional)
Stating what you want
Self-care solution (optional)
Being Assertive

16. Being Assertive “I think”
This focuses on the facts and your understanding of what is going on
Don’t include judgments or assumptions about the other person’s motives
It shouldn’t attack in any way. Just describe the thing that needs to change
“I think we haven’t spent much time together lately – two nights last week, one the week before.”
“You’ve charged me for a repair I didn’t authorise”
“Looking back at the recent past, I think you’ve been late for the majority of meetings”
Being Assertive

17. Being Assertive “I feel”
This component is optional – you might use this with friends or family but perhaps not in a business environment, for example.
It should give a brief description of any emotion triggered by the situation
“I feel scared.”
“I feel lonely”
“I feel rejected”
“I feel hurt, with a twinge of giving up”
“I feel hopeful but nervous”
Being Assertive

18. Being Assertive “I want”
This is the whole point of the process, so think it through carefully
Ask for behavioural change, not a change in attitude
You can’t reasonably expect someone to change how they feel
Ask for one change at a time - Don’t overwhelm with too many requests – be selective about what you ask of them
Ask for something that can be changed now
“The next time we go on holiday, I want you to…” is a poor want because it will be long forgotten about when the next holiday finally arrives
Be specific and concrete
Vague requests such as ‘Be nice’ don’t get you anywhere. Describe the behaviour you want, and say when and where you want it to occur
Being Assertive

19. Being Assertive “Self-care solution”
Sometimes you need to give people encouragement (reinforcement) to motivate them to do the thing you want them to do
You need to state what you will do to take care of yourself if they don’t comply with your request
It is not the same as threatening or punishing them
It is to give information and show that you are not helpless:
“If you can’t help with the cleaning, I’ll hire a Cleaner and divide the expense”
“If you can’t find a way to keep the noise down, I’ll ask the police to help you”
“If you’re not able to spend some time with me on Friday evening, I’ll make arrangements to see my friends”
These self-care solutions are not designed to hurt the other person, they just help you protect your rights and take care of your own needs
Being Assertive

20. Now let’s have a go at writing our own assertive requests
First, state the problem. Then, devise your assertive request, remembering the four components:
Stating what you think
Stating what you feel (optional)
Stating what you want
Self-care solution
Being Assertive

21. Good communication is a two-way street
Good communication is a two-way street. It requires that you also listen assertively
It requires a full commitment to really understanding what the other person thinks and feels about the problem, and what they want to do to change it
If you feel unsure about another person’s feelings about something during a conversation, ask ‘I don’t know how you feel about this, could you tell me more?’
The more active your questions, the better equipped you’ll be to find solutions and compromises to meet both peoples’ needs
Assertive Listening

22. Assertive Listening Useful ‘Assertive Listening’ phrases:
“What’s the main problem, as you understand it?”
“How do you make sense of the situation? What do you think is happening?”
“When you’re struggling with …(name the problem) …how does it make you feel?”
“What do you think needs to change?”
“What would you like me to do to help with this?”
Assertive Listening

23. The ability to say no is a vital part of healthy communication
The ability to say no is a vital part of healthy communication. Without being able to say no, you have no control over what people do to you
There are two steps:
Validate the other person’s needs or desires
State a clear preference not to do it
Examples:
“I can see why you want to confront Ian (our son), but I don’t feel comfortable with an approach that risks him turning his back on us.”
“I understand why you would prefer to go to town today, but I feel worried about not doing my work if I do go with you.”
Saying No

24. Coping with Resistance & Conflict
The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:
Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm
Control your emotions and behaviour
Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others
Be aware of and respectful of differences
Coping with Resistance & Conflict

25. Coping with Resistance & Conflict
What happens when someone isn’t listening to you? The following are conflict management skills that you can use:
Mutual validation – making someone feel heard
Broken Record – Repeat a straight forward sentence calmly
Probing – “What is it about…that bothers you?”
Clouding – agreeing in part with something someone says
Assertive delay – Take time before making a decision
When a conflict does arise, you need to call on your negotiation skills to resolve it
Coping with Resistance & Conflict

26. How to Negotiate RAVEN: Relax – accept the conflict calmly
Avoid the aversive – don’t say anything harmful or manipulative
Validate – the other person’s need or concern. Focus on fair, mutually agreeable outcome where both people can get some of their needs met
Examine – How do you want to be treated in relationships? How do you want to treat others?
Neutral voice – Keep emotion out of your voice
How to Negotiate

27. Analysing Problem Interactions
What can you do when things go wrong?
Analyse interactions using the following questions:
Were you clear about what you wanted?
Did you use aversive strategies?
Did you use passive strategies?
What were the blocking factors?
Intensity level?
Assertiveness problems?
Did you use the conflict management strategies?
Negotiation breakdown?
Analysing Problem Interactions

28. Course Overview Date Session 4th October
Introductory Session – Psychology & DBT Approach
11th October
Basic Distress Tolerance Skills
18th October
Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills
25th October
Basic Mindfulness Skills
1st November
BREAK WEEK – NO SESSION
8th November
Advanced Mindfulness Skills
15th November
Basic Emotional Regulation Skills
22rd November
Advanced Emotion Regulation Skills
29th November
Basic Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
6th December
Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
13th December
Putting it All Together

29. Well Done! You’ve completed Session 9! Next session:
Session 10: Putting it all together