1. Working with Emotion in Family Law Cases Keeping Professional Distance while Using Emotion as a Client Management Tool

2. Law is an Emotional Business: But Emotions have to stay OUT of Law
It’s taken centuries for humans to figure out how to solve complex problems within the structure of law.
The law itself is structured without emotion.
BUT because practitioners of law are PEOPLE, emotion is present.

3. Emotions and Intellect
Emotions and Intellect work together in the real world.
In law, the artificial separation makes things work – otherwise we’re all subject to the Whims of the King, like deciding to change the Constitution with an Executive Order, for example.
However, just because you need to keep the separation of Emotion and Intellect in order to make things work, doesn’t mean that you ignore Emotion.

4. EMOTION drives the breakage of the law.
The protective structure of the law provides the stage to address difficult problems.
When the protective structure of the law gets disturbed or broken – danger is present.
EMOTION drives the breakage of the law.
When you get into trouble – when you go outside the protective boundaries of your profession – you do so because your emotion has overridden your intellect.
The danger is – when that structure gets disturbed or broken – what drives that is EMOTION.

5. Emotion Drives Intellect
Very young children are wholly emotionally driven:
Curiosity leads me to want to go in the road no matter how many times Mother tells me not to.
Fear causes me to avoid situations or people no matter that Mother tells me this is a “nice lady.”

6. You are still driven by Emotion.
Yes. Yes you are.
You are attracted to and seek out friendships and love relationships based on how they make you feel.
And how you emotionally respond to these people helps you decide whether or not to pursue, remain or leave these relationships.
You don’t choose your relationships based on Intellect/Thought. You use Intellect to make decisions about the Emotion in the relationship.
Unless you are being A Lawyer and you forget all about Emotion in the Attorney-Client relationship.

7. IGNORE YOUR EMOTIONS IN THE ATTORNEY CLIENT RELATIONSHIP AT YOUR
PERIL!

8. The people who can drive you outside the protective boundaries of the law are the ones who can engage your Emotion to override your Thought/Intellect.

9. How do they DO this? They engage your affiliative desires
“I love my client”
“I identify with my client’s situation”
“I have an unconscious issue w/opposing counsel, with facts of the case, with the opposing party” (that engages me at an Emotional level)
OR..

10. They intimidate you via unspoken threats to your self esteem:
Only YOU can take care of this situation. Others have failed but you? You just CAN’T fail me.
I am being bullied and you need to step in to protect me.
If you can’t guarantee me an outcome I desire, I will be disappointed and you will be responsible for my disappointment.

11. If you remember nothing from the talk, remember this:
Emotions are the substrate in which manipulation takes place.
Emotions are the driver that takes you outside the protective boundaries of the law.
You can’t ignore this.
It WILL take practice.

12. NO Do I need to be a Robot? You MUST engage your Emotional System.
This means you must be aware of your Emotional System and what it is telling you.
HOW?
Use your Emotions as a BAROMETER.

13. Feelings… Nothing more than…
FEEEELINGS
“Not My Feelings” at the top of your file
Projection: Learn this and be the Client Whisperer
Think about your Dryer Hose:
Establish it
Maintain it
Anticipate Challenges to it!

14. The Third Space: Care and Maintenance
You, Me and the Third Space
Experiencing the Client’s Emotion – yes you must do this without:
Running away
Expressing annoyance
Telling your client to just rub some dirt on it

15. If You Skip This Step You won’t be able to get the Whole Story
Your client will not readily understand and follow your directives
You won’t be able to hold your client
And at the worst…

16. You will be at risk of being emotionally “run” by your client, resulting in you violating your own ethics, as well as your own good judgment.

17. Maintain the Third Space Based on the Parameters of the Law
(Discussion)
I’m 58. My retirement was her trust fund.
His family has millions and they’re taking my children.
She claimed DV but she’s lying. Honestly she is.

18. Your Success Will Vary
Attorneys who are less individuated and less emotionally mature will struggle with this.
Attorneys in solo practice with no peer supervision and support will be more likely to get inappropriately emotionally engaged.
However, in large firms, senior attorneys supervised the process of law with junior attorneys and may not pick up on Emotional Boundary Issues.
The case you DO NOT want to talk about? That’s the case you need to talk about.

19. Help Yourself, Help Your Client
Get a safe, IN PERSON, peer supervision group.
Consult with Retired Judges as supervisors, with the express question about your emotionality related to the case.
Consult with a Psychologist who is trained in this VERY THING. If it’s for you for case after case, do it in the Personal Consultation context. If it’s for a particularly dicey case, do it as a Litigation Consultation/Attorney Work Product Context.
In any event Have a Plan!