1. Intimacy and Distance in Relationships
Chapter 9

2. Intimacy in Relationships
The Porcupines: Huddle together for warmth; sharp quills stick each other and they pull away, but they get cold. They keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and getting pricked by fellow porcupines.
Humans need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, to feel we’re not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance to preserve our independence, so others don’t impose or engulf us. We are individual AND social creatures

3. Importance of Intimacy
People who report having satisfying intimate relationships have:
Higher self-esteem
Stronger sense of identity
Greater feelings of control
Hospice patients were asked “What mattered most in life?”
90% put intimate relationships at the top of their list
Don’t wait until you’re dying to realize nothing in life is as important as a loving relationship

4. Dimensions of Intimacy
Several hundred college students were asked to identify their “closest, deepest, most involved, and most intimate relationships”
47% identified a romantic partner
36% identified a close friend
14% identified a family member
03% identified other

5. Intimacy Has Several Dimensions (four)
Physical: Mother/child, lovers
Intellectual: Exchange of important ideas
Emotional: Sharing personal information; face-to-face encounters are not the only encounters that produce intimate relationships
Shared activities

6. Masculine and Feminine Intimacy styles
Disclosure is a key ingredient in developing AND maintaining intimate relationships
Women taken as a group tend to be better in this area than men taken as a group
Greatest exchange of information occurs:
Female to female relationships
Male to female relationships
Male to male relationships involve less disclosure than any other type

7. Type/Degree of Disclosure
Social Penetration Model: describes two dimensions of disclosure - Breadth and Depth
Disclosure of feelings is more revealing than disclosure of opinions
Disclosure of opinions is more revealing than disclosure facts
Clichés are the least revealing

8. Cultural Influences on Intimacy
The greatest differences existed between Asian and European cultures in the area of intimacy: shaking hands to managing money
Americans (United States) was especially high in self-disclosure; more disclosing than any other culture studied

9. Limits of Intimacy
It’s impossible to have a close relationship with everyone
Most of us can’t stand too much intimacy: takes time and energy
Our range of everyday contacts don’t require intimacy: Economic: bank, grocery store; group membership: school, church; physical proximity: car pool, neighbors, etc.; some grow out of third-party connections: mutual friends, child care, etc.
Some researchers have pointed out that an obsession with intimacy can lead to less satisfying relationships

10. Your Intimacy IQ (Intimacy Quotient)
Read the Invitation to Insight on page 304; select an important relationship and rate your level of intimacy (Low to High), and answer the questions at the end of the INSIGHT ACTIVITY