1. LETTING GO WITHOUT GIVING IN Dr. G (Deborah Gilboa, M.D.) @AskDocG
@AskDoctorG
/AskDoctorG

2. If you could wave a magic wand...
What do you want for your child’s future?

3. hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy
INGREDIENTS:
Confidence
Competence
Relationships

4. If your child could wave a magic wand...
What does she want to be allowed to DO?

5. WHY WOULD WE LET THEM TRY?
Proves independence
Leads to competence
Builds relationship
Teaches resilience. 5

6. STATS
US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil
>2/3 parents give their adult children $$$ support (doubled in 20 yrs)
Sallie Mae study of undergrads: average credit card balance is $3,173

7. CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES
The Myth:
“Getting involved will make us both feel better!”
The Truth:
Stepping back helps kids become adults.

8. THE COST
“Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”

9. WHAT ADULTS KNOW Childhood is for learning: Independence Competence
How to build relationships
Stepping back a little strengthens kids.
Independence →RESILIENCE

10. WHY DO WE
STEP IN?
Love.
Fear.
Guilt. 10

11. GUILT. But why, exactly? Love Fear Empathy Helpfulness
Greater resources
Experience
Habit
Genuine enjoyment
Fear
Responsibility
Overwhelming
Deteriorating
Future consequences
Risking the relationship
GUILT.

12. ONE STEP BACK Skill building Relationship building Problem-solving
Chores
Homework
Food
Errands
Extra-curriculars
Relationship building
Siblings
Friends
Other adults
Problem-solving

13. RESILIENCE CHALLENGES
Mistakes
Accidents
Pain
Social consequences
Judgment from other parents
Haters
11:00 News…

14. WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER
Adult involvement supports
Safety
Growth
Learning
Adult intervention harms
Confidence
Competence
Relationships

15. GUIDE THEIR PLAN “I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”
Let life teach the lesson!
Praise the process.
Play “What if?”
Read a book or watch a show.
What would you tell a friend?
CONTRACT
“I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”

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