2. Adaptation 2009 1/10 God bless Australia!! WE ARE ONE!! We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

3. Adaptation 2009 2/10 New South Wales NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

4. Adaptation 2009 3/10 South Australia South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

5. Adaptation 2009 4/10 Western Australia Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

6. Adaptation 2009 5/10 VICTORIA The Bottom of The Mainland Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and more horse races!! Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable?? At least that's what those wankers think. The rest of us know it is too bloody cold, wet and miserable and then theres MELBOURNE #@$!#yuck!

7. Adaptation 2009 6/10 Tasmania Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

8. Adaptation 2009 7/10 Northern Territory The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

9. Adaptation 2009 8/10 Australian Capital Territory Oh yes and there's Canberra. Kev N Dudd, Julia Blizzard, Wayne Swine – Oz Labor Party Bob Pink – Oz Greens Party etc. etc. etc……….. The less said the better.

10. Adaptation 2009 9/10 Queensland And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with interstate/international dickheads remains a mystery.

11. Adaptation 2009 10/10 Happy Australia Day and just bloody forget about MELBOURNE #@$!#yuck!