1. Effective Communications Styles:
LEADER’S GUIDE
(1 minute)
1. Introduce yourself
Work experience
Name and contact information for your organization
Professional Credentials
2. Introduce Topic
Welcome to Developing and Maintaining Healthy Interpersonal Relationships: How Are Your Relationship Bank Accounts?
Explain the seminar is sponsored by Compaq U.S. Benefits and WorkLife Resources.
With April 15th being income tax deadline, money/bank accounts are the theme for this class since many of us are thinking about $$$ this month.
All material is included in your Participant’s Guide--all the overhead points with speaker’s notes, quotes, plus supplemental material.
During class, we will discuss pages 2-9 in your Participant’s Guide (Handouts #1-7). All the rest is additional information, tips and exercises for review at your convenience. Class will be held until ____. In case you need to leave before that time, please place your completed evaluations _______.

2. Learning Outcomes As a result of this seminar, you will be able to:
1. Understand barriers to effective communication
2. Explore some of the generalizations about men and women in relationships.
3. Identify your personal withdrawal techniques by reviewing the “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers.
4. Develop a better understanding of your partner’s way of communicating.
5. Identify some of the common “power plays” that are used by couples in a relationship.
(1 minute total)
4. Learning Outcomes
Review the Learning Outcomes as participants look at page 2 (Handout #1) of Participant’s Guide.
(Learning Outcomes are continued on Overhead 4) 3

3. Learning Outcomes con’t.
6. Understanding some of the “Do’s and Don’ts” of couples communication
7. Demonstrate empathic listening
8. Construct “I” messages
9. Rate your “People Skills” and identify areas for improvement
10. Explore the reality and the value of marital conflicts
11. Explore the concept of a “couple’s time out”
12. Identify some of the “red flags” in relationships
11. Where to turn when your relationship needs help
(1 minute total)
4. Learning Outcomes - con’t.
Finish reviewing Learning Outcomes on page 2 of Participant’s Guide. 4

4. Effective Communications
Barriers to Effective Communication
1. Different ways of viewing world can lead to honest
misunderstandings
2. Expecting other person to be a mind reader
3. Taking other person’s words personally and either
getting defensive or withdrawing
4. Getting stuck in rut – having the same interactions again and again, nothing ever gets resolved
(8 minutes--Overheads 5-8 total)
5. Deposits Take More Effort Than Withdrawals - Barriers to Effective Communication
Have participants look at page 3 (Handout #2) of the Participant’s Guide as facilitator reviews the common barriers to effective communication.
To illustrate point #1, show the young lady/old woman drawing - Overhead Ask participants what they see - the old woman or the young lady. Point out how two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right!
In addition, point #1 can be illustrated using the Tiger, Teddy Bear, Rock Star Exercise: In pairs, participants stand back to back and respond as you ask the questions below. After each question, each person decides on the response that best describes him/her. The leader counts 1, 2, 3. On 3, both people face each other showing their responses.
The three responses are:
Tiger--growl , show teeth and claws
Teddy Bear--hug self, say “ah”
Rock Star--one fist up, pull down, say “yes!”
1. How are you when you get up on Monday morning?
2. How are you when you get up on Saturday morning?
3. How would your co-workers describe you?
4. How would the person closest to you describe you?
Point out how there are no right or wrong responses, we are each different in our perceptions and ways we related to the world! 5

5. What do you see? 6 (8 minutes--Overheads 5-8 total)
This Overhead is used to illustrate point #1 on Overhead 5 - Barriers to Effective Communication.
Ask participants what they see - the old woman or the young lady.
Hint: The old woman is a profile shot and her nose is large. The young lady is looking away. The old woman’s eye is the young lady’s ear, her large nose is the young lady’s jaw line, and the old woman’s lips become a necklace for the young lady.
Again, point out how two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right! Perception is the key! 6

6. Barriers to Effective Communication con’t.
5. Thinking of response or daydreaming
6. Not understanding different ways men and women typically view “talking”
7. Ignoring importance of non-verbal communication
8. Not taking the time to communicate
(8 minutes--Overheads 5-8 total)
5. Deposits Take More Effort Than Withdrawals - Barriers to Effective Communication - con’t.
Have participants continue to look at page 3 of their Participant’s’ Guide (Handout #2) as facilitator continues reviewing the common barriers to effective communication.
To illustrate point #7 of Barriers to Effective Communication, show Overhead #8 - the pie graph Communication.
As you go over the pie graph emphasize the importance of body language and voice in communication. 7

7. Differences between Men and Women
Women: Understanding How Men Communicate
KIS- “Keep It Simple”
Stay on one topic at a time: men think in a linear and sequential manner
Do not be offended if he does not maintain eye contact
Expect interruptions: this is his way of showing interest in the topic
Expect distracting behavior: walking around and talking
Men have a strong need to be “right”
Avoid directing a man: instead ask, “have you considered …”
Avoid nodding: to a man it means you agree and not just that you are listening
Keep a sense of humor

8. Differences between Men and Women
Men: Understanding How Women Communicate
Women speak twice as many words as a man
Set a time every day to communicate for at least 15 minutes
Try to make direct eye contact
Try to not interrupt
Ask her to stick to one subject at a time
Respect the versatility of the female mind: women tend to wander and this makes no sense to men
Her “guiding the relationship” is not meant as bossiness: women tend to be more directing and guiding
If you feel she is nagging, do some self checking: Ask her to talk with you and not at you with an “I” statement
Keep your sense of humor

9. Communication 55%--Body
Body language, facial expressions, hand gestures, use of space, movements
38%--Voice
Tone, pitch, rate, volume
07%--Word
Actual words spoken
This Overhead is used to illustrate point #7 - Barriers to Effective Communication.
Show Overhead #8, Communication pie graph and emphasize the importance of body language and voice.
Exercise: Have participants say “good afternoon” three times:
1. With a frown, squeezing their eyebrows together
2. With a neutral face, stone face, hardly moving upper lip
3. With a big smile and “happy eyes”
Body language usually affects the tone of voice. 8

10. “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers
JUDGING
Criticizing
Name-Calling or Labeling
Diagnosing
Using “Loaded” Words
SENDING SOLUTIONS
Ordering
Threatening
Moralizing
Probing or Quizzing
AVOIDING THE OTHER PERSON’S CONCERNS
Advising
Diverting or “Me, Too--ing”
Arguing Logically
Reassuring
(5 minutes)
6. Ways to Make Quick Withdrawals - “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers
Have participants look at page 4 of the Participant’s Guide (Handout #3) as leader points out ways to make “quick withdrawals” from relationship accounts.
Highlight each of the three main categories--judging, sending solutions ,and avoiding the other person’s concerns.
Ask participants how they feel when someone communicates in these ways: “Which ones bother you the most?”
Ask them to circle the number (1-12) on page 4 of the Participant’s Guide indicating any communication spoilers they think they be guilty of. 9

11. Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships
1. Listen and understand the individual
2. Attend to the little things
3. Keep commitments
4. Clarify expectations
5. Show personal integrity
6. Apologize sincerely when you make a relationship withdrawal
7. Establish Win/Win relationships
(10 minutes--Overheads 10 & 11)
7. How to Make MAJOR Deposits - Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships
Have participants look at pages 5 & 6 in the Participant’s Guide (Handout #4) as leader reviews ways to make major deposits giving real examples from your own personal experience or asking participants for their experiences whenever possible.
For point #1, show: Overhead 11 - Habit 5 - Seek first to understand . . . 10

12. Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships con’t.
8. Be assertive and use I-messages
9. Practice effective communication skills.
(10 minutes--Overheads 10-12)
Have participants continue to look at pages 5 & 6 in the Participant’s Guide (Handout #4) as leader continues reviewing ways to make major deposits giving real examples from your own personal experience or asking participants for their experiences whenever possible. 12

13. Habits of Effective People
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Stephen Covey
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
(10 minutes--Overheads 10-12)
This slide is used to reinforce point #1, of Ways to Make Major Deposits - Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships. 11

14. Common Power Plays Giving advice but not accepting it.
Having difficulty reaching out and asking for support and love.
Giving orders: demanding and expecting too much from others.
Being judgmental, PUT-DOWNS, fault finding, persecuting.
Holding out on others; not giving them what they need or want.
Making and then breaking promises.
Smothering or over-nurturing your partner.
Patronizing/condescending behavior/one up and one down.
Making decisions for others.
Putting others in a “no-win” situation.
Attempting to change the other.

15. Listening 13 (7 minutes-Overheads 13 and 14) 8. Exercise: Listening
Have participants look at page 7 of their Participant’s Guide (Handout #5) and review important points about the value of listening, the levels of listening, empathic responses, and helpful phrases to acknowledge understanding.
Exercise: Have participants get into pairs -- one talker and one listener. For about two minutes, the sender discusses the last time he or she was angry (or happy or just had strong emotions.) The listener is to paraphrase and try to identify the feelings of the sender. After about two minutes, change roles and continue this exercise for another two minutes.
At the end of the exercise, discuss how it went.
“How does it feel to have someone trying to really listen and understand?” 13

16. Ancient Proverb We have been given two ears and one mouth.
We should listen twice as much as we talk!
Reminder for participants: Listening is a powerful gift and can be freely given.
Point out words on this overhead and emphasize the importance of practicing good listening skills - the best method for making major deposits in any relationship bank account. 14

17. Effective Communication Techniques
Reflective Listening Techniques
Mirroring: The process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message from your partner.
Validating: Let your partner know that the information being sent make sense.
Empathy: The process of reflecting or imaging the feelings the sending partner is experiencing about an event or situation.

18. “I” messages 15 (5 minutes) 8. Exercise--I messages
Have participants turn to page 8 (Handout #6) in their Participant’s Guide while leader reviews information on “You” and “I” messages. Give a real-life example of a “You” message being converted to an “I” message from your personal experience.
Have participants construct an “I” statement from the situation they used in the listening exercise, or convert a recent “You” statement to an “I” message. Have them complete the example exercise on page 8 of their Participant’s Guide.
Ask for feedback. 15

19. “I” Messages Describes objectively how you feel.
Focuses on your feelings.
Does not assign blame.
Specific behavior is described.
Non-verbal elements such as tone of voice and body language are critical.
Requires a non-judgmental attitude.
Can include a state of change and consequence.

20. “I” Messages Constructing an “I” message
Describe the behavior objective.
When…
Expresses your feelings about the behavior.
I feel…
Describe the effect on you.
…because…
Make a statement of change.
I want you to…
Statement of consequences.
If you do/do not … I will...

21. How do your people skills rate?
(5 minutes)
Have participants complete the rating scale on page 9 (Handout #7) of the Participant’s Guide for a quick rating of their “people skills.” Have each person complete the questions, total the number of yes answers and look at the key at the bottom of the page.
Mention--No matter how good your people skills are, there are always areas that can be improved.
Which of these might you choose to concentrate your energy on?
Circle the number (1 - 10) from this rating scale indicating any specific ways you want to improve your people skills. 16

22. Are you a Passive, Aggressive, Aggressive, or Assertive Communicator?

23. Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont.

24. Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont

25. Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont

26. Assertive Communicators:
Best communication style.
Basis for a healthy interpersonal relationship.
Have a positive reserve in their relationship bank account.

27. 7 Signs of Communication Problems:
Helplessness
Anxiety
Hostility
Frustration
Cynicism
Loss of Self-Esteem
Hopelessness

28. Do’s and Don’ts of Communication
Criticize
“Hit below the belt”
Threaten to end the relationship
Just complain
Assume the other person knows what you are thinking
Interrupt
Be sarcastic
Generalize with “always” or “never”
Make vague requests
Be more concerned with winning or being right
Question excessively
Raise your voice or lose emotional control

29. Do’s and Don’ts of Couple Communication
Know each gender’s different ways of communicating
Take time out to think about the problem and clarify your position
Be specific
Be honest
Ask for and give feedback
Discuss one issue at a time
Stay on topic
Try to understand your partner’s position
Consider a compromise
Stick to the present
Retire your score board
Practice effective communication techniques such as “I” statements and reflective listening
Call a time out when necessary

30. Marital Conflict It should not be: Hurtful Rejecting Insulting
Rejecting
Insulting
Humiliating
Manipulating
About winning and losing

31. Marital Conflict 2 It should be: Necessary Natural Inevitable
Natural
Inevitable
Just a difference in what you and your partner want, need, or think.
A sign that your relationship has great potential for growth.
An opportunity to try something different.

32. Time Outs
Partners agree to come back to an issue after spending time away
You come back together after a period of time to attempt to settle the differences
Options for settling a disagreement: agree, compromise, disagree, or agree to disagree peacefully

33. Where to Turn When the Relationship is in Trouble?
EAP
Individual and/or Marital Counseling
Relationship Building Activities
Friends
Support Groups
Church

34. If it’s to be, It’s up to me!
Conclusion
If it’s to be, It’s up to me!
Dennis Waitley Psychology of Winning
(1 minute)
Remember:
It’s just as important to know the balance in your relationship bank accounts as it is to know your actual checking and savings account balances.
Use the skills you have identified. Think about your Action Plan.
Start practicing today!
Commit yourself to improving the account balances of your interpersonal relationships. Take the first step - Overhead 18.
Reference supplemental material (pages in Participants’ Guide) if time allows.
Point out page 18 of the Participant’s Guide, Resources and Suggested Readings.
(3 minutes)
Highlight the EAP and WorkLife Resources programs and give contact information.
Make available WorkLife Resources Directory of Services and EAP materials.
“Thanks for coming.”
(5 minutes)
Have participants complete evaluations. 18