1. Revising your hook
Instead of “Basketball has had a major impact on my life” or “I have loved basketball for as long as I can remember” try… “Taking the dribble, squaring up to the basket, jumping off the court, extending the ball above my head, and finally, releasing and watching its rotation as it swishes through the basket.”
Instead of “Ever since I was five years old, I have been an avid dancer” try… “The first time I lost a toenail because of dancing, I thought about quitting.”

2. Instead of “I have always wanted to be a writer” try… “My eyes were red and burning and my head was throbbing. My cramped and trembling fingers hovered over the keyboard like it was a Ouija board. I closed my eyes and, when I opened them again, the poem was finished. It was like nothing I had written before.”
Instead of “Even though we argue a lot, my sister is my best friend” try… “It wasn’t as if we hated each other. I mean, she did try to flush me down the toilet one time but what siblings don’t have the occasional minor squabble?” OR “I’m never really sure how accurate the details of the memory are or how much I’ve reinterpreted over the years. I am, however, sure that my sister once tried to murder me.”

3. Developing your ideas Read this:
I have loved basketball for as long as I can remember. I learned to like basketball because my father has always played, and he is very good at it. I also play with my closest friends, and I choose to practice as much as possible, even after the rest of my teammates have gone home. Finally, I really enjoy the day of an actual game. All of the sights and sounds of the day bring me joy and pride at what I have accomplished through my hard work. Basketball is a huge part of my life and will always be very important to me.

4. Now, let’s compare it to this: Taking the dribble, squaring up to the basket, jumping off the court, extending the ball above my head, and finally, releasing and watching its rotation as it swishes through the basket. This is what I dream about, where my head wanders when I’m left to my own devices. I have loved basketball for as long as I can remember. My love for the sport originates with my father, an accomplished player with a love for the game. My closest friends are also beasts on the court, and they push me to sharpen and unleash my own inner athletic monster. Honestly, I thrive on the hard work of practice; I’ve spent many a day practicing beyond the bare minimum hours required by my coaches, sweat soaking through my shirt, muscles trembling with fatigue, and loving every minute of it. Finally, I adore the day of an actual game. The thump of a dribbling ball echoing on the court, the shouts of encouragement from family and teammates, the pride I feel in giving my best effort every single time I step into the gym. These are the moments that make it clear that basketball is more than just a hobby to me. It’s the sport that has developed my character, my confidence, and my determination, and it has given me, literally, a goal to aim for in the future.

5. Compare
Compare the topic sentences. What, specifically, makes one more engaging than the other?
How do the main points compare?
What specific words and phrases make the second version more vivid than the other? What is particularly interesting?
How do the conclusions compare? Do they both have a “so what”? Are they both interesting and memorable? Explain.

6. A “So What?” Conclusion
Instead of “In conclusion, books are fun and available to everybody, and I will always love them” try… “Though reading escapist fiction may seem like a waste of time to some people, I view this escape into other worlds as a precious gift that has made me the character that I am today.”
Instead of “My best friend is the most important person to me, and I know that we will be friends for life” try… “We have laughed together, cried together, and grown together. I cherish our past, and I walk into the future confidently, knowing that she will walk by my side.”