1. MAKING RELATIONSHIPS WORK…
Resolving Conflicts

2. Conflict resolution: What does it mean? Why do you need the skills?
With whom will you need to use these skills?

3. What issues do you conflict (argue) with others about?

4. Conflict Which statement is true? Conflict can destroy a relationship.
Conflict can strengthen a relationship

5. Conflict results from a perceived threat to someone’s needs
Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Parent’s need to keep child safe vs. child’s need to explore
Husband’s need to provide for his family vs. wife’s need for love intimacy

6. Response to threat… Foot on the gas: angry, overly emotional (FIGHT)
Foot on the brake: withdrawal, shut down, little apparent emotion (FLIGHT)
Foot on the gas and the brake: frozen, paralyzed yet extremely agitated (FREEZE)
Fleeing or freezing appears to condone other person’s inappropriate behavior

7. Emotional control gone - Ability to resolve issues gone
Cannot read non-verbal; tone communication
Cannot distinguish between the other’s intent and the impact on you
Cannot communicate your needs effectively

8. Handling your anger, fear, anxiety…
Push the “PAUSE” BUTTON; Let your brain work before you mouth works
Know what triggers your anger; your hot buttons
Breathe
Don’t listen to your conflict gremlins

9. Diffusing other’s anger
Wait
Give them their “one minute”; listen
Watch your body language
Don’t allow abuse
Create speed bumps; short interjections
Ask questions
Show empathy; Validate their anger; their position
Summarize
If appropriate, apologize for your part in the conflict

10. Understand defensiveness
Response to a threat
Emotions managed using mechanisms, not diminished
Defense Mechanisms
He hit me first (justification)
I didn’t do it (denial)
Everyone is doing it (deflection)
Your mom wears combat boots (counterattack)
“not listening” (withdrawal)
Combat defensiveness with curiosity and empathy

11. DON’T Catastrophise Be afraid of constructive conflict
Assume your right is the only right
Complain to others
Argue under the influence (alcohol, anger)
Use sarcasm or intimidation
Insult, attack, bring up ancient history
Use the “silent treatment, passive-aggressive behavior

12. Do…COMMUNICATE Listen with your eyes, your heart, and your ears.
 EYES - 53% of communication is done through body language
 HEART - 40% is through tone and feel
 EARS - 7% is through words
Stand in their shoes
Practice mirroring

13. COMPROMISE THINK “WIN – WIN”
LOSE – WIN
WIN – LOSE
LOSE - LOSE
First person’s proposal ___________________
Second person’s proposal ____________________
Explore each person’s underlying concerns
“getting your way” VS. “getting what you want”

14. RECAP Conflict resolution… What does look like?
Like this?
“Might” makes right?
Proving facts that make you “right”?
Or like this?
Strengthening relationships
Respect and trust
Willingness to listen and communicate
Commitment to a common goal
Flexibility and creativity