1. PARENT COFFEE CLUB, January 2014
The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

2. Relational Aggression
Can show up as early as age 2.5
Using relationships as a weapon
“If you don’t do what I want, I won’t be friends with you anymore.”
Silent treatment
Rumors or gossip
Reputation is defined by relationship.
Social Aggression
Hurtful gossip
Damages reputation
DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS

3. Good Girl Rules Popular with friends and adults
Pretty and dresses well
Does well in school
Organized
Follows the rules
Pleaser
Has to do everything right
Is nice to everyone
Well rounded
Always busy

4. Good Girl Rules
The pressure to be “good” diminishes girls’ authenticity and personal authority.
“Good” is unreachable! Girls become too hard on themselves.
Fear of disappointing others or failing
Girls are socialized away from expressing negative emotions.

5. Good Girl Rules As they get older the social permission gets eclipsed
Denial of the action causes me to question my own version of events  lose my confidence
Indirect aggression allows girls to seem like the nice girl while being rude.
INDIRECT AGGRESSION
“Just kidding!” or “No offense!”
If I didn’t mean it, it didn’t happen.

6. What Did Girls Say? Uncomfortable with feedback and failure
Getting judged was their worst fear
60% knew they should behave assertively
25% said they actually would

7. We Need a Change!
Girls need to have the tools to say “no,” to ask for what they need, and to say what they think.
Media portrays women as passive, sexualized objects.
Our culture remains confused about gender equality.
Attitudes are slow to change.

8. What Can Parents Do?
Early childhood research shows that when moms intervene by saying relational aggression is not acceptable and give consequences, the children show friendlier behavior 4 years later.
Help your child learn how to identify and express her feelings and emotions; help her identify what she wants.
Instead of the silent treatment: “I’m not ready to talk now. I will be later.”
Treat relationships as a set of skills

9. What Can Parents Do? Model EMPATHY:
Affirm her emotions and experience
“I would feel angry and sad.”
Show sympathy
“I am sorry this is happening.”
Practice and Model Emotional Literacy and Vocabulary
Emotional Intelligence= We want girls to access that deeper feeling (not just sad, happy, angry)
KNOW how you’re feeling
EXPRESS how you’re feeling
RESPECT how you’re feeling
EMOTIONS ARE AN AGENT OF CHANGE IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU!

10. What Can Parents Do?
“Mothers serve as models for daughters of how to talk, and how to use language to negotiate relationships and the world.”
2008 study by Girl Scouts of America
Girls cited mothers as their most important role models.
Model the qualities you most want to instill in your daughters.
Assertiveness
Honesty
Saying what you need
Not caring about being perfect

11. Exercise Make 2 lists Qualities you hope to model for your daughter
“Role model mother”
What you think society says perfect mothers look and act like
“Perfect mother”

12. Exercise Role Model Mother Perfect Mother Confidence Integrity
Self-respect
Assertive
Kind
Compassion
Ambition
Generosity
Happy
Perfect Mother
Cooks dinner
Cleans house
Martha Stewart
Perfect children
Good wife
Successful career (that doesn’t interfere with parenting)
Perfect body
Well dressed
Volunteers at school
Good hostess

13. Assess Yourself Do you feel pressure to be the perfect mother?
How does this affect your parenting?
What kind of model are you for your daughter?
Assess your response to your daughter’s anger

14. Home Exercises Write your daughter a letter Set parenting goals
What do you wish you had known when you were her age?
Focus on what you have learned about relationships, conflict, and self-confidence
What does being yourself mean to you?
What did your female role models teach you?
Set parenting goals
It takes a village

15. Some Advice Be the change you want to see in your daughter.
Try to tell the truth every day.
Emphasize authenticity
Curb self-deprecating comments
Develop her self-worth
Not everyone is going to like you
When truth and friendship cannot coexist, choose truth.

16. 4 Step Protocol: GIRL G- Gather your choices I- I choose…
R- Reasons are
L- List the outcomes

17. Gather Your choices Talk about her behind her back Tell her how I feel
Ask her why she did it
Do the same thing to her
Stop speaking to her
Tell an adult
Ask her to stop

18. I Choose… Reasons Are… … to tell her how I feel
… I think it is important to be honest with friends. I want to give my friend a chance to change.

19. List the Outcomes She might listen to me She might get mad at me
She might tell other people

20. References All information in this presentation was taken from:
The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence by Rachel Simmons
Rachel Simmons’ Keynote speech at the ASCA Annual Conference, June 2013, Philadelphia.