1. Conflict in Marriage

2. Why Does Conflict Occur?
Lack of Communication
Value conflicts
Lack of effective leadership or decision-making
Discrepancies in role performances
Low productivity
Unresolved prior conflicts

3. Myths or Misconceptions About Conflict:
Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal.
Conflict is the result of personality differences.
Conflict and disagreements are the same.
False. Conflict is natural, normal, and inevitable when ever people interact together.
False. Personalities do not conflict – it is people’s behavior that conflicts.
False. Disagreement is a diffeence of opinion while conflict is more threatening. Disagreement is usually restrained and fairly calm; conflict is often unreasoned and angry.

4. Make a list of things that may cause conflict or arguments.
Brainstorm
Make a list of things that may cause conflict or arguments.

5. Do Not Trifle Over Trivia
The following items are typical behaviors that create stress between people.
Which way the toilet paper rolls.
Turning down page corners instead of using a bookmark.
Eating or not eating in bed.
Leaving damp washcloths scrunched in a lump, or wringing them out and spreading them to dry.
Putting the VCR tapes away or leaving them on top of the VCR.
Whether or not you read the instructions before you use something or put something together.
Whether the toothpaste should be used from the bottom up or from the top down.
Whether or not you tear off the pillow tags that says DO NOT REMOVE!

6. Arguing -- Is usually a battlefield for a bigger issue.

7. Fear
-- losing their spouse.
-- losing their home.
-- losing self respect.

8. Failing to resolve a conflict situation causes:
Married couples to withdraw and create emotional distance between them.
A pile up of differences.
Irritations and resentments.

9. Resolving Anger by Maces AREA (an acronym), helps couples remember a better way of solving anger.
A -- is for admitting your anger to your spouse.
R -- is the desire to restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling.
E -- stands for explaining in a very calm manner why you are angry.
A -- stands for action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger.

10. Do you ever use…
Extreme or irrational tactic to gain your point (slamming doors, stomping around)?
Hurtful remarks to have the last word (sarcasm, name calling)?
The Silent treatment
Withdraw to a safe distance because you do not like to argue?
Store up grudges and use later (revenge)?
My way or no way attitude?
Get angry, criticize, or some other aggressive behavior?
Give in; “I guess you are right”, submissive behavior to avoid conflict.
Deny or pretend that “everything is okay”.
If you answered “Yes” to any of the above you are not “fighting fair” and you are creating an interaction pattern of “I win, you lose”.

11. Solving Conflicts: Fair Fighting Rules
No hitting
No personality attack (name calling destroys ego, you can never take back what you say in anger.)
Attach the problem, be specific, do not bring in other issues until this one is finished.
Fight in private. Do not involve others.
Fighting in front of children once in awhile is okay if it is constructive and if you do not make them take sides. It gives them a pattern of constructive problem solving to follow in their own conflicts. They need to see you make-up also.

12. Fight it out at the time--if you can. Do not let it build and fester
Fight it out at the time--if you can. Do not let it build and fester. However, if a time out is needed, use it constructively and agree on a time to resolve the problem at hand.
No refusing to quarrel or withdrawing before it is finished.
Talk one at a time and listen when the other is talking. You are responsible for understanding the other person’s point.
No mind reading. You cannot assume what the other person is thinking or expect them to know what you are thinking.
Come to conclusion, then let it end; compromise, if you can. Give in occasionally or agree to disagree.

13. Summary
"A good manager does not try to eliminate conflict, he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people." Robert Townsend
All conflict cannot be resolved. Sometimes individuals do not think it is in their best interest or the price of resolution is too high.
Resolution means negotiation toward a creative solution--if one party is unwilling to do that, the conflict will continue.

14. The Love Bank
For each person we have contact with, we create a “Bank” of emotions on that person.

15. If that persons makes us feel good, the “Bank” fills up or vise versa---if that person makes us feel bad the “Bank” empties or goes into the negative.
In marriage we want to create a “Love Bank” that is overflowing.
When the “Bank” begins to empty…..we are in trouble.

16. Love Busters There are a total of 5 Love Busters
The first three are attempts to get our way and are abusive.

17. Selfish Demands
We are thinking only of our needs and not the needs of our spouses.
When we make demands of our spouse and expect obedience, you are being controlling and manipulative.
If we push a request, making it a demand—overriding our spouses reluctance; we are declaring that your wishes are more important than their feelings.
It is the first stage of verbal abuse.
It will build resentment.

18. Disrespectful Judgments
When demands don’t work the next step is disrespectful judgments, which is a disguise for demanding what you want.
It is imposing our values and beliefs on the other person…. a husband trying to force his point of view on his wife or a wife assuming that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided and tells him so.
If your spouse lectures you instead of respectfully discussing an issue OR if your spouse seems to feel that their opinion is superior to yours.
When you are discussing an issue and your spouse interrupts you so much that you are prevented from having a chance to explain anything.

19. Angry Outbursts
If the first two love busters don’t work, we might ramp up to anger. This is the most destructive Love Buster.
We are again trying to get what we want, nothing else has worked and we are upset and think the offender must be taught a lesson.
We want to destroy the troublemaker and the weapons include ridicule, sarcasm, or the silent treatment.
They are meant to hurt.

20. The next two Love Busters have a devastating effect on marital compatibility.
They will make you impossible to live with.

21. Annoying Behavior
Thoughtlessness—something that doesn’t seem all that important but drives you CRAZY!!
They come in two categories:
Annoying habit that is repeated without thought. (The way you eat or clean up after yourself or don’t.)
An annoying activity that is scheduled and requires thought. (Sporting events you attend/watch.)
Habits and activities make up a couples Lifestyle. They are the bricks of the house, where each one is either strong or weak. The strong bricks are habits and activities that make both of you happy and weak bricks make one happy at the other person’s expense.

22. Dishonesty
Honesty might be painful at first but it will keep a marriage healthier in the long run.
Dishonesty defers the pain but it will compound the pain later.
Dishonesty strangles compatibility.
Honesty is like a flu shot—it is painful at first but will keep you healthier in the future.
Can a marriage be built on dishonesty?

23. Overcoming Love Busters
Identify the Love Busters.
Agree to overcome Love Busters.
Focus attention on the Love Buster that is causing the most damage. Develop a plan.
Ask yourself this question: Am I protecting my spouse from my own selfish habits and instincts? OR Is this protecting my spouse?

24. Fall in Love Stay in Love
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Fall in Love Stay in Love

25. THE END

26. Unresolved Conflict is a Vicious Circle
Relationship degenerates into a power struggle.
Playing games (If it weren’t for you…, Look how hard I’ve tried…, )
Develops “ritual impasse”, stuck at the same point (refusing to talk after working so hard.)
Destroys the problem-solving process
In the end, the marriage fails because neither partner’s needs are met.

27. Perspective –What is yours. All people are different
Perspective –What is yours? All people are different. We have different likes, dislikes, beliefs, and values. These differences make up our individual perspective.

29. Rules of Fighting Fair Groups make a list of rules for Fighting Fair.
Have groups write their answers on the board.
Class combined all groups to make one great list of rules of fighting fair.

30. You are the Counselor Read article “Can this marriage be saved”
Before reading the Counselors Response your group will write up a response of your own.
Then read the counselors response.

31. Summary
The potential for conflict exists whenever and wherever people have contact.
Remember the words of Robert Townsend: "A good manager does not try to eliminate conflict, he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people." All conflict cannot be resolved. Sometimes individuals do not think it is in their best interest--the price is too high. Resolution means negotiation toward a creative solution--if one party is unwilling to do that, the conflict will continue.

32. Negotiation and Resolving Conflicts
Start with Couples Stopping and Cooling off before they begin.

33. Model for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
Recognize conflict issues.
Listen carefully to the other person.
Select the most appropriate time.
Specifically define the problem or conflict issue.
Identify your own contributions to the problem.
Identify alternate solutions
Decide on a mutually acceptable solution.
Implement new behavior.

34. The Art of Negotiation Affirming loyalty to the marriage.
Assessment and clarification of needs.
Achieving conciliation.
Declaring what each will do and when.

35. Problem Solving State the problem Look for areas of agreement
Explore alternatives
Try a solution
Evaluate results
Joint problem-solving, does not mean one person wins and the other loses. Work toward finding a win-win solution, where both feel satisfied.
Always strive to build on the positive aspects of your relationship.

36. Ice Cube Activity
Remove the ice cube from the water using the string without lifting the glass.
Coil string on ice cube, put a little salt on, wait and then lift gently.
How does the ice cube relate to how we feel sometimes?
What does the string represent?
If at first this seemed unsolvable, how did you
feel when you figured out how to retrieve the ice cube?

37. Activity: Here's what I Saw
pg 117, Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#

38. Activity: Shoe Size
pg. 197, Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#

39. Activity: Blow Hard
pg. 52, Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#

40. Objectives / Standards:
The student will be able to:
Identify methods of conflict resolution as related to marriage.
Identify common sources of marital conflict.
Apply conflict resolution and problem-solving strategies to resolve common scenarios of marital conflicts.

41. Marriage – A Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing
Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews
Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#
“Fighting Fair” in Marriage” and “Managing Conflict Successfully”
Herbert G. Lingren
University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cooperation Extension

42. Communication During Marriage
If in the past few years, you haven’t discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.

43. Opinion as Fact
Globalizing
Name-calling
Mind-Reading
Sarcasm
Insult
Name that road block.
See how many of the following communication roadblocks you can identify correctly.
You never trust me with anything.
I didn’t think you’d mind me borrowing your bike.
How come you’re always late?
I know why you couldn’t tell him that.
5. How can you be so stupid?
6. Baseball is much more interesting than soccer.
7. Who cut your hair, a lawn mower?
8. You sound just like a jerk.
Globalizing– Relating to the whole world.

44. Opinion as Fact
Globalizing
Name-calling
Mind-Reading
Sarcasm
Insult
Name that road block.
See how many of the following communication roadblocks you can identify correctly.
9. This TV show is boring.
10. You’re the expert, you do it.
11. A ball could be right in your hands and you’d drop it.
12. My teacher never calls on me.
13. Okay, Mr. Know-it-all, tell me the answer.
14. Boys can’t jump rope as well as girls.
15. You’re the biggest cheapskate I know.
16. Can’t you ever take a little kidding?