1. Outline Assigment
WAYS TO IMPROVE

2. CONTENT ERRORS
Not relating introductory quote to your prompt or thesis
Weak concluding ending conclusion
Wording of your sentences—confusing
Not relating your CM back to the thesis’s main opinion
Not color-coded as per instructions
Not defining an an acronym or unfamiliar word like Health Coalition
Lack of commentary to explain CD –
Only one sentence for a topic that needs much more
Listing duties rather than saying how these duties made a difference in your community
Slang words –kids, a lot,
CD being too general
One sentence commentary
Not showing in your CM made a difference in your community
Combining concluding sentence as a commentary— therefore no concluding sentence
Unnecessary CM that is unrelated to your topic (H)
Too general CM
Not addressing the point in your CM from your CD
Conclusion blah
Comma splice
Pretentiousness

3. Not relating introductory quote to your prompt or thesis
Introduction Paragraph
Did you know that your mere presence can make a difference?
Sometimes even an action as simple as singing can improve someone’s day.
A smile is usually returned with another smile.
The happiness of another person is the best reward when it comes to making a difference.
As someone who does not get out much, I believe I made a difference in the lives of others.
I made a difference in my community when I sang Christmas carols to the elderly because I made them feel loved, it showed that the youth still have respect, and developed a sense of community.

4. Relating your CM back to the thesis’s main opinion
To begin with, visiting people makes them feel loved.
For example, singing to the elderly made them happy.
Happiness is one way that feeling loved is expressed. By making them happy I knew that i was making them feel loved. There was a stark difference in the atmosphere before we arrived and after we left. The entire area seemed to be a bit more cheerful after we were all done.
Another way visiting people makes them feel loved is because they are reminded that someone cares about them.
Most of the residents in the nursing home are left there with no visitors. Some of them are left wondering if they are cared about. By singing to them we showed that at least one person cared enough to visit them for the holidays.
Although something as simple as visiting someone is viewed as unimportant, it can be a cause of brightening up someone’s day.

5. 2nd Body Paragraph
In addition, by singing to the elderly I showed that young people still have respect for their elders.
For example, when the volunteers and I were singing, the adults seemed to approve greatly.
Residents and workers alike would mumble about how they were glad to see us being kind to them. This conflicted with most thoughts that people my age were rude. This made a difference because it made everyone think about how they view other people.
This is important because many older people assume that the younger generation lack respect.
The older generation sometimes seems to over generalize younger people, grouping them into a group of disrespectful kids. By being there by our own free will, we showed that that stereotype is not necessarily true about us.
Respect can be powerful, by showing respect to others, we in turn gained respect.

6. 3rd Body Paragraph
Lastly, by bringing people of all personalities together, made a difference in my community
For example, people who were angry seemed to feel better quicker.
Many people who are usually angry appeared to be feeling happy. Singing the christmas carols made everyone have a better sense of friendship.
Further, individuals who are considered shy were talking among others.
Many people, myself included, who are considered shy opened up to our peers. This made them feel like they were a part of something for once. This made a difference because it allowed an opportunity for those people to show their feelings that they otherwise would have not showed to anyone.
In this way, people of all personalities were brought together to have a good time.

7. Conclusion
As someone whos sang to the elderly during Christmas time, I provided a sense of community, gained respect and made the lives of other people brighter.
Making a difference in a community is simpler than it seems.
It’s not necessarily the amount of money or popularity that matters, but the simple act of bringing joy to someone else that makes a difference.
As Mandy Hale once said, “To make a difference in someone’s life, you do not have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect. You just have to care.” I like to think that my actions that day helped those people to feel less alone.