1. THE
EXPECTATION GAP
Deborah Gilboa, MD

2. Chores are the canary in the coal mine of kids’ character…

3. hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy
INGREDIENTS:
Confidence
Competence
Relationships
hap·pi· ness: noun

4. “Happiness Now” Pressure
Unattainable
Conflicts with resilience
Removes opportunity for resilience “practice”
Causes us to change the narrative to support everything being ok
Limits the resources we offer
We’re terrible at predicting it for others

5. 3 R’s of PARENTING Respect Responsibility Resilience
That’s my kid!
Responsibility
Build a great work ethic.
Resilience
Manage difficulty.

6. RESPECT WHAT IS IT? Recognizing worth or excellence
Showing regard or consideration
Impossible to give if you don’t have any
Crucial for success.

7. RESPECT REQUIRES COMMUNICATION
Tone of voice.
Titles of respect.
Eye contact
Body Language
Privacy
Look up and around

8. RESPONSIBILITY Chores/roles Homework Practice Leadership Service
One work ethic; sentences

9. WHY DO ADULTS SAY NO? Love Fear Guilt Genuine enjoyment responsibility
Future consequences
Relationship rupture
Guilt

10. RESILIENCE CHALLENGES
Mistakes
Accidents
Pain
Social consequences
Judgment
11:00 News…

11. CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES
Myth:
“Only I can fix this!”
Truth:
Failure must be experienced.

12. SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

13. THE COST
“Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”

14. HOW DOES FAILURE HELP? independence → confidence Leads to competence
Builds relationship
Teaches resilience. 14

15. WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? Doing = learning. Doing builds resilience!
Life skills
Relationship skills
Problem-solving!
Look for chances to take one step back.

16. RESILIENCE “I’ll be interested to see what you do!” Mistakes Praise
Life lessons
Choices
Risk-taking
Resources!
“I’ll be interested to see what you do!”

17. “Happiness NOW” disrupts this cycle!

19. WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER
Adult involvement supports
Safety
Growth
Learning
Adult involvement harms
Confidence
Competence
Relationships

20. “That’s a pretty fine fix you’ve gotten yourself into there, kiddo.
I’ll be interested to see what you do to get yourself out.”

21. Empathy,
most often without intervention.

22. Change a Behavior This Week E-course!
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