1. Strategies and Techniques for Influencing and Motivating Children and Teenagers
John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Professor of Counselor Education University of Montana – Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

2. Workshop Overview This workshop is rated “PG”
A blend of personal discoveries and evidence
Caveats and excuses
This is YOUR workshop
Talking and not talking – Practice
Communicate respectfully
We will never get finished

3. Today’s Plan Introductory comments and opening story
Brainstorm on the problem behavior
Four sources of parental power
Your favorite strategies and techniques
John’s favorite strategies and techniques
Stunning conclusions

4. Two Minute Reflection
Have you ever had a time when you didn’t want to:
Get out of bed in the morning?
Do the dishes?
Mow your lawn?
Floss your teeth?
Read a book assigned to you by someone else?
Go to work?
How did that work out?

5. An Undesirable Assignment
In one minute, I will “volunteer” someone to come up in front and talk
The topic will be . . .

6. Your Personal Reflections
What gets in the way of you doing something that someone else assigns you?
What thoughts get in the way?
What feelings/emotions get in the way?
What impulses get in the way?
What might get in the way of children attending school? [Google NASP and School Refusal for a nice handout]

7. Motivational Theories: Behaviorism
The Carrot and Stick
What are some easy and effective rewards?
What are some easy and effective consequences?
What’s wrong with too much behaviorism? [Extrinsic Motivation System]

8. Motivation and Emotion
Basic psychology textbooks
Happy people are productive, helpful, and better problem-solvers
It’s not the chocolate, it’s not the relationship, it’s the fact that these things put students in positive moods – that’s what facilitates cooperation

9. Adlerian Theory How does Alfred Adler reframe “Lazy?” See:
All students want to succeed
Lazy young people aren’t really lazy, they just have goals that are too high so they quit trying
Or, lazy students aren’t lazy, they’ve been spoiled and expect adults to do everything for them

10. Embrace Your Power: Reasons to Behave
To mitigate reasons for misbehaving (attention, power, revenge, inadequacy), we need to provide youth with:
A Sense of Belonging; and
Feelings of Usefulness

11. Embrace Your Power I Direct Power Grandma’s Rule
Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment [Most people do this backward]
Give it (rewards), Take it (privileges)
Pre-set Rules with Consequences

12. Embrace Your Power II Indirect Power
The new attitude (eliminate the dread)
Modeling
Encouragement
Give choices

13. Embrace Your Power III Problem-Solving Power
Solution talk: How did you?
Behavioral alternatives
What has worked before?
Mutual problem-solving – Tonight
Collaboratively generated family rules
Educational offerings: TEDx, PPPP, etc. [Would you watch, listen, and tell me what you think]

14. Montana’s Own Parenting Podcast
Name
Description
Released
Price 1
Talking with Children about Life & Death
Episode 13
4/17/2017
Free
View in iTunes 2
Teens & Depression
Episode 12
4/3/2017 3
When Teens Talk Back
Episode 11
3/20/2017 4
Let's Do The Sex Talk Again
Episode 10
3/6/2017 5
Post-Partum Depression – It’s Harder than You Think
Episode 9
2/20/2017 6
Divorce and Shared Parenting
Episode 8
2/6/2017 7
Love, Sex, Babies, and Happiness
Episode 7
1/23/2017 8
The Challenges of Step-Parenting
Episode 6
1/8/2017 9
Sleep Well in 2017 & Beyond
Episode 5
12/26/2016

15. Embrace Your Power IV Relationship Power
Everyday connection and greeting
Recreation and play (and food**)
Special time – More tonight
A favor or I.O.U.
Guilt (I’m disappointed)

16. Embrace Your Power: Guidelines
Emphasize belonging
Emphasize usefulness
Use a balance of power strategies
Have high hopes, but realistic expectations
Remember what’s important
Lean on your friends, relatives, and colleagues for support

17. Power Pyramid
Direct
Indirect
Prob Solving
Relationship

18. Your Favorite Strategies
Five minutes of discussion/reflection

19. JSF’s One Line Responses
I don’t know = Take a guess; what if. . . ?
I don’t care = What if you did?
I don’t have to do this = You’re absolutely right! (Pause) And even though I want you to do it, I can’t make you.
This is stupid! = You’re right. I’ll do better next time. What’s least stupid?
I don’t want to = Me neither. We need to do some things; let’s schedule a “don’t want to” day

20. Magic Words and Strategies
Join with the child (teen)
“I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _”
Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that I really hate to do too.”

21. Magic Words and Strategies II
Ask permission to collaborate
Acknowledge expertise
Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy]
Use experimental language – Try together?

22. Set Limits Be the boss you’d like to have yourself.
You can be direct or use distraction to shift the mood and change the situation [Voice example]
Give a choice: You can go to school or ____[Insert plan]___________. You choose.
Set the limit – By asking: “What will happen if?”
Set the limit – By stating it yourself

23. Problem-Solve with Children
Join with the child to discuss how they can comply: “We have to follow the rules, but how can we work this out?”
Hope along with the child for a positive outcome: “I really hope you (we) can succeed with this.”

24. Problem-Solve II
Nurture the child’s “Protective Factors” – What strengths does the person have to apply to this difficult situation?
Express your belief in the child’s ability to comply and succeed: “I know you can do this.”
Don’t be isolated; get help as needed

25. The Stunning Conclusions
What do you want to remember?
What do you want to apply?
Motivation is an inside/outside dance with many different strategies All that lead to encouragement are good.

26. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to:
To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com

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