1. Counselor Education – Spring Workshop 2018
How to Talk so Parents will Listen
Working with Challenging Youth and Parents
and Loving It
Counselor Education – Spring Workshop 2018
John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Sara Polanchek, Ed.D. University of Montana

2. Why Focus for a Whole Day on Working with Parents?
Opening survey
It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents
Parents have special needs and interests
Parents can be critical consumers
Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

4. Workshop Ground Rules This workshop is rated “PG”
A blend of personal discoveries and evidence
Caveats and excuses
This is YOUR workshop
Communicate respectfully
We will never get finished

5. Workshop Objectives
Be able to channel or use your relationship common wisdom with parents
Describe how to look under or around parental defenses and challenging behaviors
List and articulate the consultation stages and tasks
List the four therapeutic “Ways of Being” with parents
Be able to use collaboration and magic words and techniques to facilitate parent cooperation
Articulate parent education content on technology, sleep, and discipline
Be able to use 10+ parenting techniques

6. Role Play Volunteer
Come up and tell me about some hassles you’re facing at school or work (and feel free to exaggerate!!).
Debriefing
What did John do?
How did it work?
What dynamic was operating?

7. Channel Your Common Wisdom
Working effectively with parents partly boils down to relationship common sense
Avoid being too bossy or insulting
Avoid implying that parents or caretakers are being stupid or silly
Avoid backing people into corners
And DO NOT live by the Satanic Golden Rule

8. Common Wisdom II Create your own positive respect bubble
And watch out for the REVENGE IMPULSE

10. Get Curious, Not Furious
What Makes a Difficult Parent Difficult?
Five Minute Brainstorm
Tell each other stories
Generate a short list of WHY you think difficult parents are difficult?
Bring it back to the big group

12. Get Curious, Not Furious II
Your BEST Explanation for Difficult Parents
Maybe we’ll get in a fight story

13. Get Curious, Not Furious III
Why Do We Need an Explanation?
To address problems we need to understand them (and not just react)
Our plan needs to address underlying dynamics
We carry around our own implicit theories anyway – we need to make them explicit
Our implicit theories are (usually) insensitive, un-empathic, and judgmental

15. A Common Theory** We’d like you to join with us
Parents can be highly insecure [inferiority/superiority dynamics]
Parents can be very protective
They have distinct expectations
This results in parents being HIGHLY REACTIVE
Why is this good news??
They will react to your E and C

16. Consultation Stages Pre-Consultation Preparation
Stage I: Connection and Understanding
Stage II: Collaborative Case Formulation
Stage III: Offering Solutions and Closing
Second Sessions and Beyond

17. Pre-Consultation Preparation
Watch your BUTTONS
Big Four Principles
Empathy Xs 2
Radical acceptance
Collaboration and validation
Listen before you educate
Sara

18. Self-Preparation Preparing for button-pushing (bracket your values)
The parent education literature
Responding to questions about your credentials (J)
Self-disclosure: How much to talk about your own children
Sara

19. Preparation: A Way of Being
Empathy x 2: There are two forms of empathy with parents
General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example
Specific – Clean your room story
Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story
**What words should you NEVER say??**

20. What Parents Hear “I understand” really means:
“I’m magnificent and you’re pathetic” Or
“I know what you’re going through”
“Have you ever. . .” really means:
“I know all about what you should be doing” or
“You’re too dull-witted to know what I know”

21. Parents Face Many Challenging Situations
Argumentativeness, backtalk, and defiance
 Biting
 Bossiness and controlling
 Curfew
 Cutting
 Depressive behavior
 Divorce
 Eating problems – Overeating
 Eating problems – Under-eating
 Fears
 Hitting
 Homework – Losing
 Homework – Struggles at home
 Inattentiveness
 Lying
 Masturbation
 Noncompliant with chores
 Overactivity or hyper behavior
 Parental disagreements about parenting
 Perfectionism
 Public misbehavior
 School refusal
 Shyness
 Sibling rivalry
 Sleep problem – Insomnia
 Sleep problem – Nightmares
 Sleep problem – Night terrors
 Social concerns – Bullying
 Social concerns – Being bullied
 Sports and Music
Stealing
 Stuttering
 Tantrums
 Toileting – Encopresis
 Toileting – Enuresis
 Toileting – General
 Whining
John – If you want to work with parents, you should know something about these topics

22. What You Must Believe (Theory II)
Parenting is very difficult; parents are insecure
Parents deserve our respect and support
It’s natural for parents to instinctively do the wrong thing and feel bad about it
The media (and relatives) are very tough on parents
Sara

23. Radical Acceptance Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT)
“I completely accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change for the better”
Sara

24. Radical Acceptance as Skill
Parent Volley: “I know I can legally spank my kids and you can’t tell me not to.”
Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad to have you be straight with me about your beliefs.”
Sara and story

25. Radical Acceptance as Skill II
Client Volley: “I don’t need no stupid-ass counseling. I’m only here because my wife is forcing me. This counseling shit is worthless. It’s for pansy-ass wimps like you who need to sit around and talk rather than doing any real work.”
Counselor Return: “Wow. Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people really hate counselors but they just sit here and pretend to cooperate. So I really appreciate you telling me exactly what you’re thinking.”
John

26. Practicing Radical Acceptance
Case Example: Parent (speaking to the consultant about her adolescent son).
“I just can’t accept his homosexuality. I won’t tolerate sinful behavior in my home.”
Five Minute Discussion with Partners/Groups
How can you respond to this statement with RA?

27. Practicing Radical Acceptance
Audience participation – Got examples?
Thank you because . . .

28. What Helps You Develop an Accepting Attitude?
Believing in the usefulness of openness . . .
Understanding that some parents will posture . . .
Knowing the data on MI
Sara

29. Collaboration How do we facilitate collaboration?
Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly
Holding back your pearls of wisdom
“Expert” dance
Sara and Elaine clip Sara and John demo – John goes too quickly

30. Positive Feedback and Validation
Watch for the opportunity to give positive feedback and validation
You really know your child well
You’ve been working on this a long time and have tried lots of different strategies
Your child is lucky to have you as a parent
Look under the anger and posturing
Love reframe story
Demo 2

32. A Way of Being with Parents
Use THESE PRINCIPLES
Empathic understanding
Radical acceptance
Collaboration
Positive feedback and validation
Because you are a: R_ _ _ M_ _ _ _
Sara 20 sec demo

33. In Sum: The Philosophy We begin with empathic listening
We move to collaboration
We make sure to be radically accepting
We offer compliments and validation
We do all this so we can get to the main point:
Providing parents with specific parenting tips or guidance.
John

34. Stage I – Connection and Understanding
[JSF Role Play]Meet, greet, normalize, and comfort
Discuss confidentiality
Use a collaborative role induction
Honor the parent as expert
Listen for positive motives; provide compliments and reassurance when you can
Sara will be parent; John will do these things

35. Stage I – Continued Ask permission as you begin a goal list.
Get a reasonably thorough problem description
Take time out from your problem-description task to join with and empathize with the parent
Ask – “What else happened?” or “How did things get better?”
Sara

36. Stage I – Continued Identify goals and solutions within parent control
Make empathy-validation-universalizing statements
Watch for backwards behavior modification
Find out what the parent has tried
Sara

37. Activity: Stage I Checklist
Pair up and practice Stage I
Observers track and take notes
Debrief with whole group

38. Stage I Checklist Greet, normalize, and comfort
Discuss confidentiality
Collaborative role induction
Parent as expert
Compliment & reassure
Obtain prob description
Begin a goal list.
Join with universalize and empathize
Ask – “What else happened?” or “How did things get better?”
Identify goals within parent control
Watch for backwards behavior modification
Find out what the parent has tried

39. Stage II: Case Formulation
Use scientific mindedness
Get a concrete behavioral example and look for BBM
Ask parents to tell you about their BEST EXPLANATION for their child’s misbehavior
When appropriate, use parallel process to inform your case formulation
John

40. Stage III – Offering Solutions and Closing
Begin writing down your intervention ideas
Before offering advice, ask permission
Offer suggestions using an experimental attitude and mind set
HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHAT TO SAY? – Draw power model triangle
Sara

41. Power Pyramid
Direct
Indirect
Prob Solving
Relationship

42. Stage III – Continued
Write date-time-topics for second session on the “prescription.”
Hand the “prescription” to the parent.
Provide Tip Sheets as appropriate.
Provide intersession supportive contact as appropriate
Referral and resource possibilities
Sara

43. Case #1– Sleep Deprivation

44. Case #2: The Technology Blues

45. What’s Normal? Sleep! How much sleep do children need?
Age 3 – 6 = 10 – 12 hours
Age 7 – 12 = 10 – 11 hours
Age 12 – 18 = 9 – 10 hours
Sara

46. Second Session Content
What do you remember?
What was useful?
Tweak and add ideas
Provide tip sheets and a revised prescription
Sara

47. Technique 1 A New Attitude
Looking forward to the problem (like nightmares)
John

48. Technique 2
Whispering and Plans
The Whispering Story
John

49. Technique 3
Grandma’s Rule
When you, then you . . .
Sara

50. Use Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment
Techniques 4 & 5
Use Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment
Sara

51. Case #3 – Wanna Piece of me?
Pretend Class on Discipline
Word association
The definition of discipline
Something you learned from a parent or caretaker
Case plan
John

52. Technique 6
Special time
Sara and maybe John Story

53. Technique 7 Simultaneous empathy and limit-setting
Children at the fair
John

54. Technique 8
Mutual problem-solving
Role Play demonstration
Video

55. Technique 9
Character feedback
Broccoli story
Sara

56. Technique 10 The Seven Magic Choice Theory Words
I want you but it’s your choice
John

57. Magic Words and Strategies
Volunteer
Observers track and identify anything they think John does that might defuse the parent’s strong emotions

58. Magic Words and Strategies II
Listen with respect
Use radical validation: “Of course you’re angry. This situation that could make anyone angry.”
Show VAGUE empathy: “This situation is clearly very upsetting to you.”
Side with the emotion—not the behavior

59. Magic Words and Strategies III
Join the Parent
“I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _”
Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that can really upset me too.”

60. Magic Words and Strategies IV
Ask permission
Acknowledge expertise
Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy]
Use experimental language – Try together?
Use proactive calls

61. Magic Words and Strategies V
Time for Practice
Get a partner
Be difficult, but not too difficult
Take time-out to discuss and debrief as needed
Check back in

62. Bonus Technique 11
Everyday connection:
That Dog Don’t Hunt story
John

63. Review Relationship Wisdom Get Curious – Look under the defenses
Consultation stages
A way of being with parents
Empathy Xs 2
Radical acceptance
Collaboration and validation
Listen before you educate
Using magic words
Techniques
John

64. Closing Comments What will you remember? What will you try out?
You’re the kind of counselors who . . .
Sara

65. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to:
The best spot for these is:
John’s blog at johnsommersflanagan.com

66. Additional Info: Two of John’s Books