1. Difficult Conversation
How to Have a
Difficult Conversation
Kimberly Remmert, VP of Human Resources
Melissa Spiller, Director of Human Resources

2. What will be cover?
Your style under stress
Stories we tell ourselves
How to prepare for a difficult conversation

3. Conversations gone wrong……

5. Style under Stress
T F 1. At times, I avoid situations that might bring me into contact with people I’m having trouble with. T F 2. I have put off returning phone calls or s because I simply didn’t want to deal with the person who sent them. T F 3. Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awkward issue I try to change the subject. T F 4. Rather than tell people exactly what I think, sometimes I rely on jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know I’m frustrated. T F 5. When I got something tough to bring up, sometimes I offer weak or insincere compliments to soften the blow. T F 6. When it comes to dealing with awkward or stressful subjects, sometimes I hold back rather than give my full and candid opinion.

6. Style under Stress
T F 7. In order to get my point across, I sometimes exaggerate my side of the argument. T F 8. If I seem to be losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change the subject in order to bring it back to where I think it should be. T F 9. When others make points that seem stupid to me, I sometimes let them know it without holding back at all. T F 10. When I’m stunned by a comment, sometimes I say things that others might take as forceful or attacking—comments such as “Give me a break!” or “That’s ridiculous!” T F 11. Sometimes when things get heated I move from arguing against others’ points to saying things that might hurt them personally. T F 12. If I really get into a heated discussion, I’m sometimes tough on the other person. In fact, he or she might feel a bit insulted or hurt.

7. Style under Stress
What are the consequences?
How can you do less of this?

8. Left-Hand/Right-Hand Exercise
Recall a difficult conversation……that left you frustrated. Perhaps you didn’t say what you wanted to, or what said didn’t work. Right-Hand Column - actual sentences or script for both parties. Left-Hand Column- what you were thinking but didn’t say. This is likely to be unflattering, but be realistic and honest about your hidden thoughts.

9. Left-Hand/Right-Hand Exercise
Example: A coworker comes to you with a suggestion for a software program you two are developing. You think it’s a bad idea, but didn’t think speaking up will do any good.

10. Left-Hand/Right-Hand Exercise
Left-Hand Column
Me : “That’s the craziest idea I’ve ever heard. It’ll never work. “
Me: “He won’t listen to my feedback anyway. I’ll just let him fail and
learn a lesson.”
Right-Hand Column
Me: “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
Coworker: “Yes, I’ve given it a lot of thought.”
Me: “Okay, if that’s what you really want to do.”

11. What lurks beneath the surface?
Behavior
Feelings & Emotions

12. The Accusation

13. A Better Job

14. Share your Facts Tell your Story Ask for others’ perspective
Solution
Share your Facts Tell your Story Ask for others’ perspective

15. Share your Facts: Solution Start with what you see and hear
May need to include how that differs from your expectations
This will add clarity
For example:
“I noticed that….”
“The last three times we talked about this….”
“I observed”

16. Tell Your Story Solution Why tell your story
Facts by themselves don’t always paint the whole picture. It is important the other person understands why you are sharing your concern.
For example:
“It leads me to conclude that…”
“I believe that….”
“I story I am telling myself…”

17. Ask for Others’ Perspective
Solution
Ask for Others’ Perspective
Effective
“How do you see it?”
“Can you help me better understand?”
“What’s your view?”
Ineffective
“Isn’t that the case?”
“What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
“No one disagrees with that, do they?”

18. The Silent Complainer Scenario
You believe an actuary you work with regularly isn’t being assertive enough during a project. She doesn’t speak up during project meetings even when she has concerns or questions. She allows project team members to overrule her when she’s the project lead. She seems to think her role is to smile and agree with whatever the team says. But after project meetings are over, everyone in the break room hears about her concerns. You’ve dropped in for a cup of coffee and she’s complaining how the project is not meeting deadlines.

19. Scenario FACTS STORY ASK
You’re sharing concerns with me about how the project is failing this morning, but you didn’t say anything in the project meeting
I’m beginning to wonder if you feel you can’t speak up to the team, or you’re expected to always agree with them.
Is that true, or am I missing something?

21. Questions?