1. THE POWER OF FAILURE Sharing expertise and goals to create
a strong, child-centered team
Deborah Gilboa, MD

2. Chores are the canary in the coal mine of kids’ character…

3. Valuing achievement ahead of character increases risk.

4. Kids are capable of far more than the stereotypes we perpetuate

5. 5 obstacles to Raising kids of great character
Happiness now
Comfortable is necessary for safe
Tracking kids
Focus on achievement
Solving problems for our children they can learn to solve for themselves.

6. “Happiness Now” Trap Unattainable Conflicts with resilience
Removes opportunity for resilience “practice”
Causes us to change the narrative to support everything being ok
Limits the resources we offer
We’re terrible at predicting it for others

7. Comfort is not necessary for safety
Security
Healing
Identity
Discomfort
Learning
Change
GROWTH
Comfort is not necessary for safety

8. Tracking Kids This doesn’t make them safer
It does make kids (and adults) more anxious
It blocks their chance to build autonomy slowly

9. Achievement Trap
When achievement is the top priority, character easily suffers
Justifies cheating, lying, substance use
Judged externally – others say when you’ve succeeded
No matter how great, can’t control if someone else is better
Pressure is tremendous

10. Problem Solving Trap We are expert problem solvers
Our kids rely on us for that
THEY need the chance to become good problem solvers
Problem solving doesn’t look like problem solving the first dozen (+) times you do it!

12. Resilience Opportunities
Problems
Bad News/Change
New Privileges
Resilience Opportunities

14. 5 protective factors of resilience
use of storytelling
problem-solving skills
Seeking support
autonomy
sense of purpose
5 protective factors of resilience

15. Change helps! Empathy for the stress Look for purpose
Add agency to the purpose
Ask good questions
Problem solve towards the goal
Change helps!

17. When-not-if Language Set Remove Model Set expectations
Model the cycle
Remove
Remove the premise of failure
Set
Set expectations
When-not-if Language

18. WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?
Trust
Goal-sharing
Expectation shaping

19. Through investigation
Through microactions
Ask for small buy-ins before big ones
Remember gratitude
Through investigation
Who are you
What have you been taught
What concerns you
With everyone
Parents
Students
Staff
Trust

20. The solution: Goal sharing!
Get to know your families beforehand as much as possible 1
Understand what they want 2
Find goals you share – the more proximal the better 3
Be able to explain how your path gets them to that goal 4

21. Warn them! Let them know that you expect parent and kid struggles
This way they won’t feel like they made the wrong decision
Put a plan in place before it happens
Warn them!

22. Expectation shaping “When not if” language
Gratitude for sharing the concern (model this!)
Empathy for the struggle
Connect to resources
Offer solutions

23. Words to use Thanks for letting me know
Grateful you’re comfortable discussing this
Glad you and your child have this relationship
Glad we have developed our relationship
Gratitude
I hear that you’re feeling…
I understand feeling….
I’ve felt…
It’s hard to feel…
Empathy
Words to use

24. Strategies to suggest Have a list before this happens
When you have this ready to send, parents believe that you expected this, you’ve seen it before, they’re not alone
Testimonials
Other experts
Tools they can use when it flares up

25. Dr. G can help you create change!
Pick a time to talk to her about it! (click this!)