1. Revising and Proofreading Business Messages
CHAPTER 4
Revising and Proofreading Business Messages

2. The Writing Process
Insert Figure 3.1: Highlight Step 2

3. Revising and Proofreading
Revising: Improving content and sentence structure. May involve adding, cutting, recasting.
Proofreading: Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.

4. Concise Wording Instead of this: Try this:
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.
Instead of this:
We are of the opinion that
Please feel free to
In addition to the above
At this point in time
Despite the fact that
Try this:
We think
Please
Also
Now
Although

5. Wordy Prepositional Phrases
Instead of this:
We don’t as a general rule cash personal checks.
Students in very few instances receive parking tickets.
She calls meetings on a monthly basis.
Try this:
We don’t generally cash personal checks.
Students seldom receive parking tickets.
She calls monthly meetings.

6. Long Lead-Ins Instead of this: Try this:
This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today.
I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.
Try this:
All employees meet today.
Thanks to everyone who voted.

7. Outdated Expressions Outdated: Modern: as per your request
pursuant to your request
attached hereunto
under separate cover
Modern:
at your request
attached
separately

8. Needless Adverbs Instead of this: Try this:
To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, actually, and so forth.
Instead of this:
The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.
Try this:
The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.

9. Fillers Instead of this: Try this:
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space.
Instead of this:
There are two employees who should be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out.
Try this:
Two employees should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were singled out.

10. Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
thought and consideration

11. Jargon Computer jargon: Alternative language:
Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon:
queue
export
bandwidth
Alternative language:
list of documents waiting to be printed
transfer data from one program to another
Internet capacity

12. Slang to bag on clueless turkey chill/chill out
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to bag on
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out
to tease, to nag, to complain
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax

13. Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.
Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.
We had reached the end of our rope.
Finally, you should work diligently.
We could go no further.

14. Precise Verbs
Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that profits would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?
Market researchers forecasted improved profits.
Market researchers promised improved profits.
Market researchers predicted improved profits.

15. Precise Verbs Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
(TIP: Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?)
The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.
The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.
An application must be made by the job seeker.
The job seeker must apply.

16. Concrete Nouns The man asked for a raise.
Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.
The man asked for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.
An employee presented a proposal.
Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.

17. Vivid Adjectives The report was good.
Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.
The report was good.
The report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).

18. What to Watch for in Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

19. How to Proofread Complex Documents
Allow adequate time.
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed.

20. How to Proofread Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.
Spell names.
Spell difficult words.
Note capitalization.
Note punctuation.

21. Grammar/Mechanics Checkup 4
Review Sections 1.16 and 1.17
in the Grammar/Mechanics
Handbook
 Complete 15 statements, p. 93.
 Check your answers against those provided at the end of the book.