1. Tips for Corporate American Journalists Rules, Regulations, Standards, Practices! Rules, Regulations, Standards, Practices!

2. Remember! Never write or say anything that could be considered offensive by anyone… Journalists are supposed to be politicians not activists! “You can’t ever lose by smiling and nodding.” Never write or say anything that could be considered offensive by anyone… Journalists are supposed to be politicians not activists! “You can’t ever lose by smiling and nodding.”

3. Remember! Always wear suits and ties… Otherwise normal people will not trust or respect you. Being enslaved by convention will make your life much easier. Always wear suits and ties… Otherwise normal people will not trust or respect you. Being enslaved by convention will make your life much easier.

4. Remember! Never feed starving children that you photograph… Journalists are supposed to be vultures, not humanitarians. Never feed starving children that you photograph… Journalists are supposed to be vultures, not humanitarians.

5. Remember! Having or expressing your own opinions about anything is a sure-way to get fired… “We can’t afford another lawsuit.” Having or expressing your own opinions about anything is a sure-way to get fired… “We can’t afford another lawsuit.”

6. Remember! Never disagree with your editor if you know what’s good for you… “You can’t win a fight with your boss.” Never disagree with your editor if you know what’s good for you… “You can’t win a fight with your boss.”

7. Remember! Make sure everything you write or photograph is as mediocre and bland as possible… “We’re on deadline, buddy!” Make sure everything you write or photograph is as mediocre and bland as possible… “We’re on deadline, buddy!”

8. Remember! You’d rather do a story on STDs than about sports? Absolutely not, sports SELL papers! You’d rather do a story on STDs than about sports? Absolutely not, sports SELL papers!

9. Remember! Don’t forget: “Journalism is a business!” Making your newspaper money is more important than actually helping people! Don’t forget: “Journalism is a business!” Making your newspaper money is more important than actually helping people!

10. Remember! Don’t you dare ask for a raise!!! $18,000 a year is a lot of money… (in communist China). Don’t you dare ask for a raise!!! $18,000 a year is a lot of money… (in communist China).

11. Remember! Gannett, News Corp, Time-Warner… It’s your job to be poor, so that they can be rich! Gannett, News Corp, Time-Warner… It’s your job to be poor, so that they can be rich!

12. Remember! Don’t ever question the methods of your newspaper’s advertisers… Don’t ever break any bad news about the advertisers… “They pay your bills!” Don’t ever question the methods of your newspaper’s advertisers… Don’t ever break any bad news about the advertisers… “They pay your bills!”

13. Remember! For those who criticize newspapers for not doing enough stories on relevant social issues like homelessness or poverty… Kindly remind them that the homeless and poor don’t buy newspapers. For those who criticize newspapers for not doing enough stories on relevant social issues like homelessness or poverty… Kindly remind them that the homeless and poor don’t buy newspapers.

14. Remember! For those who ask why we don’t do more stories on issues surrounding minorities… Kindly remind them that stories surrounding middle and upper-middle class white Christian suburbanites are more important to newspapers because… there is more of them and… they buy more papers. For those who ask why we don’t do more stories on issues surrounding minorities… Kindly remind them that stories surrounding middle and upper-middle class white Christian suburbanites are more important to newspapers because… there is more of them and… they buy more papers.

15. Remember! Cover all international issues with the most narrow-minded, xenophobic, and nationalistic perspective as possible… Especially on issues concerning brown people, like Mexicans or Palestinians. Cover all international issues with the most narrow-minded, xenophobic, and nationalistic perspective as possible… Especially on issues concerning brown people, like Mexicans or Palestinians.

16. Remember! What do you mean you don’t like being spied on by the NSA? Then SURELY you must have something to hide! What do you mean you don’t like being spied on by the NSA? Then SURELY you must have something to hide!

17. Remember! Don’t ever challenge the government! Big Brother doesn’t appreciate dissent. Don’t ever challenge the government! Big Brother doesn’t appreciate dissent.

18. Remember! Do what you’re told to do… Say what you’re told to say… Be who you’re told to be… Live in a fucking-cave. Do what you’re told to do… Say what you’re told to say… Be who you’re told to be… Live in a fucking-cave.

19. American Journalism »Sucking Corporate Dicks Since ‘96!